TRANSCRIPT
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The Rabbi Daniel Lapin Podcast
Episode: From Daydreams To Strategies
Date: 03/31/25 Length: 00:32:36
Daniel Lapin 0:00
Greetings, Happy warriors and welcome to the Rabbi Daniel Lapin show where I your rabbi, reveal how the world really works. I solemnly dedicate myself to revealing how the world really works, and one of the ways that it works is that there is a fundamental difference between men and women. And if I read you the following letter, and I did not tell you whether it was written by a girl about a guy or whether it was written by a guy about a girl, you would know instantly. You would absolutely know that this is a letter written by a girl about a guy, because girls will definitely get frustrated to the point of terminating a relationship with a guy who lacks all financial ambition, but I have yet to encounter in my coaching experience and in my counseling experience, I've yet to encounter a guy who wants to break up with a girl because she lacks financial ambition. So I'm going to read you this letter. I don't usually read stuff on the show just because I think it's boring, but the letter is interesting, particularly the last 123, the last six words, the last six, well, the penultimate six words, I'll tell you what I mean. Okay,
Daniel Lapin 1:34
my boyfriend has zero financial ambition, and I'm slowly losing my attraction to him. He's the nicest guy I've been with, and I love him, but I cannot stop thinking about this aspect of him. We are in our mid, late 20s, and I feel like we are in different stages of our lives. I work in a professional setting, and I'm pursuing my master's degree while he is unemployed and hasn't received his degree. He tells me he wants the same things as I do, a good job, stable finances, travel and a nice home, but he does nothing to achieve it. I have to push him to even think about applying to jobs, since he keeps promising he will look but never follows through and pushes the date with an excuse. He always has an excuse with why he won't apply for an entry level office job. He wants to marry me, but I simply cannot. I've been up front that I don't expect him to be the breadwinner. Excuse me, I have been up front that I do not expect to be the breadwinner while he stays at home, watches movies, plays video games, drinks, smokes and wakes up in the afternoon. He says he wants things to be financially equal, but logically, it doesn't add up to me. I will be making more money than him and will have to pick up on bills, expenses, etc. I truly believe that he believes what he says, but he doesn't understand or want to put the work in to get there. This is not how I pictured my life. Other than this, we are very compatible, so it's confusing. And here come those six words, not quite the last six words, but it's we just about at the end of the letter, but these key words, you I want you to I trust him and love him. How do I get over this? Well, how do I get over this? Is And is she saying? How do I get used to living with this guy? Or what? What is she asking when she says, How do I get over this? But even more interestingly enough, what does this mean? I trust him and love him. And here's the funny thing, I might read you a few more of these letters, maybe I won't, but there's no shortage of them, and they all read pretty much the same. Basically, he says he wants the same things as me, but he doesn't do anything about it, and it almost always includes the word we love each other or I love him. And if you have any idea, if you have an explanation for why girls write to me and also elsewhere, by the way, there's no shortage of these letters on all the sites that take questions from young people having to do with love and romance. There's no shortage of these, and it's hard to find one that doesn't include the words, but I love him. What is going on here? Do you think all you have to do is get on to the we happy warriors website? I I'm assuming you're a member, and just put in your answers. Let me know why are what do girls mean when they say? But I do love him, by the way. The bonus for happy warrior members this week is about making past and future as compelling. Your life as present and the consequences of failing to do so. So lot a lot of discussion on that and I think you will find that very interesting indeed, the fact that a justice system cannot work if a society does not see past and future as important as present, and again, the idea that nobody would ever do her you know, high schoolers, no, they wouldn't dream of doing homework if, if all they are driven by is the present, as indeed most are. In other words, the default condition for a person who is not acculturated and educated is to function in the present. This applies mostly to guys, because women have a built in mechanism. The Biology of women lets them know that there is such a thing as a future, but that's not something that men ordinarily have. And so how to inculcate that and the perils of not doing so, are the things that I cover in today's in this week's bonus program for happy warrior members. But you know, I think maybe, maybe I should do a couple more of these letters. They just, they so very good. I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 30. He still lives with his parents and works at a minimum wage job. He seems content with his situation and has no motivation to improve his life or become independent other than moving in with me eventually, he is definitely not a mooch, no, but it bothers me that he doesn't want to be independent or work hard to achieve something I never thought of myself as a traditionalist. That's beautiful, isn't it, this girl says I never thought of myself as a traditionalist, but the thought of supporting a grown man is a huge turn off. How can I bring this up without becoming a huge de masculinizing bitch, that's what she said. Here's another one. Let me tell you about my ex boyfriend. We dated one year. He has only ever lived with his parents or brother, never paid rent, and it took a while for me to recognize his lack of ambition and lack of drive. I'm still in school, and when I graduate, I would have been making much more than him. It bothered me that I'd have to be the one worried about finances. He's 29 and has zero saving his lifestyle wasn't what I wanted for myself. I kept bringing it up to him, asking him if he ever wanted to look for a job that paid better, or if he was planning to get his own place. But he lives in the moment. Okay, see, remember what I told you about the bonus podcast for we happy, happy warriors, living in the moment. That's what's going on here. But he just had absolutely no plan for his future and for me, that would cause nothing but stress. It didn't work out in my case, and he was so upset when I ended it, but he is better off because of it. Now he's thinking of his financial situation and seeing that He's much too old to be enabled by his family. All right, maybe just one more look. I find these things fascinating, particularly because, as I said before, it's always the girl writing about the guy. There are no letters of the other in the other direction.
Daniel Lapin 8:24
My boyfriend, when I was 25 had no financial ambition. He worked a minimum wage job, and I dated him for a year. I'm self sufficient, so when he was kicked out of his old apartment, which he shared with his ex girlfriend, I thought, sure. Why not move in with me? He seemed to be paying rent at his old place, and had delusions of becoming the next great American writer. When he moved in with me, he didn't pay rent, and he ended up breaking my car, getting a ton of parking tickets. I kept telling myself that I shouldn't be so superficial. It's not his fault. He likes doing something that is low paying, and I had to man up and just weather it. But something was off. It wasn't that a minimum wage job, in and of itself, was the problem. It was the fact that he did absolutely nothing to set goals or achieve them. He was happy with going to work, condescending to everyone, and then going to local pub and drinking every single night. Five years later, I ended up at that pub, and he was still there drinking at that point, I'd graduated from an Ivy League grad program, traveled the world and done pretty much everything I wanted to do for me. It wasn't about him who was setting expectations for myself, and he was not contributing to anything that we could have built together. It would essentially be me building it, and him tagging along, and that is not a partnership. In the end, I cut the dead weight, and I haven't looked back. Here's one more I can't resist, dear so and so my partner has no financial and. Financial ambition in life. I, however, have huge career ambition and are hunger to see the world working in a part time minimum wage job and living with his parents is what he chooses. As much as I love him, I struggle with the thought of having a financially dependent partner. Can it work? PS, he also has a lot of debt, yikes. Or this, my current boyfriend is a nice guy, and I love him, but he is also unambitious. I'm enrolled in grad school, and I'm working very hard to create a successful future for myself. He only has his high school and he's 22 years old. He has spent the past four years working at McDonald's. He has no intention of ever going to college. He is, he is obsessed with martial arts, and endeavors to open his own martial arts school someday. Instead, oh, instead, he doesn't have the money, so I'm not sure how he intends to do this. He has been bringing up the subject of marriage recently, but when I imagine us together in five years, I can picture myself being the only breadwinner. He wants me to be by his side to help him open his martial arts school, but all I can imagine is myself working hard to provide money for him to practice karate all day. He seems well, immature. I suppose. Is it unreasonable for me to want to break up with him based on the fact that he will probably never be able to provide any type of financial support. You see, what's interesting here is that all these girls are emphatic about they would all agree that they're feminist. You'll remember one of them said, I, you know, I can't believe I'm sounding like a traditionalist. They all speak about their independence. They don't need a man. And yet, now that they have a man who's not being very manly, it's no good. Why? It should be just fine, after all, I mean, they should not need him at all, but it Why do they want a man? And why do they want him to be well? A manly man says, who says, me, your rabbi. In other words, having ambition and acting on it is part of being manly. I go more deeply into this idea of future and past in the bonus program that you happy warrior members are going to be able to hear now. But what's, what's relevant to all of these situations is that in all these cases, the guys are living in the present. Girls do not live in the present. Girls have a much stronger awareness of the future than boys Do, for obvious biological reasons, which I mentioned already you
Daniel Lapin 13:59
and Just to clarify, none of these girls are bothered by the fact that the guy may not be making a lot of money. What they're concerned about is that in 20 years time, he'll still be doing the same thing. In other words, what concerns them is a complete obliviousness about the future, and so they talk in daydreaming fashion, about they want the same things, and they want he wants to do this and he wants to do that, but there is nothing converting it from a daydream to a plan, and That is the essence of this, it is disconcerting for girls to be with guys who don't have plans, but only daydream. The funny thing is that it doesn't work the other way around. Guys can be very happy with a girl who does not have financial ambition and May. Have day dream, but who is a happy person and a kind person, and who treats him in the way that a man needs to be treated for him to be a happy and fulfilled man. That's that's part of being a happy man is having a woman in your life who treats you a certain way, but that is always going to be linked to what sort of man you are, because a woman needs to be able to be with a man she looks up to. That is absolutely foundational. It's completely basic. You
Daniel Lapin 15:48
so dear, Happy Warriors. What this is all pointing to is that if a man doesn't play tennis, there's not a problem. And if a woman were to say to me, you know, I'm very interested in tennis, and my husband just couldn't care less, just not interested in tennis at all. You know, he might be able to be a little bit more sympathetic about it, and he might be able to fake a little interest, but it's really not any kind of a real concern. A woman says, Rabbi, look, I'm very into good food. My husband really has no interest in fine French cuisine. He's perfectly okay with a hamburger and fries, and he'd eat that every day of the week, fine. Okay. You know, no problem at all. I don't think these are issues. Rabbi, my husband doesn't like reading, whatever it is, but rabbi, my husband, has zero financial ambition. There we have a problem. We have a real problem. It would also be like, you know, somebody who says, I married, I married this man and, oh, you know, I think, you know, he's a wonderful man and everything, but you know, he is impotent. His masculinity is, is, you know, he's got a medical dysfunction. It's not repairable. Is this an issue? And the answer is yes, that that is an issue. But you know not if, if not talking about If couples been married for 25 years and they were, you know, summing crops up, that's different, but at the time, yeah, absolutely is an issue.
Daniel Lapin 17:36
And yeah, just as a physical malfunction in that area, you know, if it was terminal, if it was permanent, is an obstacle to a night, you know, somebody says, she says, I'm thinking of marrying this guy, and he's really terrific in every single possible way, accepting we will not be able to share marital, intimate, yeah, you know, for the that is a Serious problem. I'm thinking of marrying this guy is terrific, and I love him and everything, and he's he's got zero financial ambition. Yes, that is a problem. It's not the same as he doesn't like modern art, or he doesn't like French cuisine, or he's not interested in tennis, those are not important. But not having financial ambition is important, and these letters really all reflected and so, as I say, it's almost impossible to find query letters from men saying she just, you know, my wife just has no financial ambition. It's always women about their men. A second thing is they all say, almost all of them mention that they love him and that is also very interesting indeed. This is ridiculous. I'm going to do one more. Here's one. I'm a 37 year old woman, and I need suggestions on how to encourage my partner, who's 45 as far as Korean finances go, I love him, but I've been frustrated with him, and the frustration is boiling over into everything. But I love him. We've been I'm mocking that because it has to do with why women feel the need to say that, but, and it's also obviously a total failure to understand what love means, if, anyway, we've been together for six years, and I recently asked him about his ambition to move up and do more. He's been with the same company over 20 years, and told me the reason he has moved up is because of work politics, but I believe he doesn't want to move up, and he doesn't want more added responsibility. He doesn't care about being a financial provider. I've been making more than he does now for years. Don't get me wrong, he makes decent money, but he's subject to the woes of retail scheduling, cut hours, restricted, part time, hours around holidays. Etc. He said he values his freedom, but he's always complaining that his money is tight. Honestly, I find it unattractive, but she loves him. I've paid for all the family vacations and activities for years because he never has extra money. He's always been like this, so I'm not surprised, just perplexed. He flunked out of college because he partied too much, but stayed employed because he has three children, one of them is ours. Shared honestly. He still parties and goes out way too much. He talks about changing careers all the time, but with no action, comes in the house and mindlessly scrolls social media for hours. We have a child starting college. He's ill prepared for it. Hasn't saved a dime. Knew the day would be coming that they were going to go to go to college, and I'm not sure if he didn't care, just take things as they come, with no real plan. Both are problematic, but I feel at 45 years old, and after six years of being together, he should just pick something and work on getting it in a bit in a better financial place. His lack of ambition and drive has been puzzling me, and I need suggestions on how to cope or help him so our relationship does not unravel. Goes on a little bit more. She talks about how she's self motivated, driven and ambitious, and she doesn't get people that are not well, she doesn't get men that are not and so it goes. And that's, you know, that's the gist of that letter, but, but you do get the idea so,
Daniel Lapin 21:36
so, so what is going on here? Well, to some extent, I cover it in the bonus program on the happy warriors website. And this is that we have successfully raised a generation or more of men who are present focused. They don't have a commitment to the past and they don't have a commitment to the future. And so in that sort of situation, a man has no ability to convert a daydream or a fantasy into a strategy he it's literally not part of the way he thinks. And that's largely what's going on here. These women all write about how he agrees. And, you know, we share the same goals. They though that's a very, very common phrase. We share the same goals, yes, yes. If you tell him, Listen, I think we must make sure that we have money to send children to college, he'd say, yes, yes, that's right, but he won't actually do anything about it. And he's she will, because women live in the present and the future, and a man, in order to be successful, needs to live in the present and the future and the past, and he has to be taught and helped to see the future as just as important as the present, if not more so, and the past just as important as the present, if not more so. This is not natural, right? No child grows up automatically with this capability. It is the job of parents and educators to provide a reality of the future and the past, obviously, a religious upbringing does this automatically. It's one of the great gifts that a religious upbringing confers on somebody. There's an automatic awareness of the past that brought you to this point, and that your faith is rooted in something from the past. And then there is also a helpful awareness of the future. But even if your children are not being raised in a religious environment, nonetheless you still are obligated to give them an orientation on life that includes the past and the future. It's really, really important. And I will do, probably, I will do a separate show on some of the ways to do this, because you have to do it, not only for the children, but also for you yourself, if you are somebody who has no understanding, and who doesn't intuitively connect with the past and with the future, then you need a way of doing this, and so I will probably do that in the future, but for now, for right now, if You are somebody impacted in this way, and more than likely, you're a man, as I say, very few women have no intuitive relationship with the future, but it's not at all uncommon with men. And so one way of trying to overcome this gentleman. Is by making sure that you meticulously and diligently train yourself to consistently transfer to dues to the calendar. Now there, you know, there, there are dozens of time management systems out there, and most of them involve buying some software, or they involve buying a special set of, you know, books or journals. Basically, you can spend a lot of money, and because this is such a frustrating thing for men to realize that they are confusing daydreams with strategies and that they're going through life coasting on a daydream, hoping that somehow, in and of itself, reality will begin to conform to the Daydream. And that doesn't really happen. And this is very frustrating so time management experts and time management companies know that you will pay a premium. You will do almost anything to escape the pain of confronting the reality that you are not doing anything towards making your day dreams a reality. You just living with them and they they're constantly there in the future, you do absolutely nothing about them, and somehow you go to sleep every night assuring yourself that, well, things will be different. Things will change, something will happen, something will turn up. And that is not how the world really works at all. And so you don't have to be an expert in time management. It's really a very, very simple little process. First thing you got to do, and this is the only really painful part, is you, you have to do a reckoning of your time. You have to see in a typical week, where your time goes and people who have this problem will find this very painful to confront, because at the end of the week, you're going to discover just how little you did to actually advance your life towards your real goal. And so you have to start with that, because you've got to confront reality. You've got to literally examine how you spend your time, and it's got to be written down so you can look at it afterwards, although you're going to want to burn it and bury it. You also have to make sure that you rise early. What does early mean? Well, it might be different for different people, but it doesn't mean 8am I'll tell you that that's late. So then what you have to do is you have to put down all the things that you would you need to do, that you need to do and should do, and you need to give them plenty space. And I'll explain to you why, because paper is cheap, right? And so you don't know what you don't need to scrunch everything up together. What you need to do is you need to leave room for subsidiary tasks without going into the technicalities of something we call critical path analysis. The bottom line is that, you know, let's say one of your to do's is to install a new, shall we say, a medicine cabinet and lights in your bathroom. And you put that in as a task. Well, it'll never get done, because you first have to order a medicine cabinet, and you have to order the lights you you want. And then you got to make sure you have the tools to do the job. And so it's not good enough to say, install new medicine cabinet and new lights in bathroom. You do put that down. But then under that, perhaps inset a little bit is select and order medicine cabinet, select and order lights and now it's a comp. And now you do, you see what the order is. You can't do number one until you've done number two and number three. And so you do those. Those are all in the to do. And secondly, I would, and again, I'm trying to help those of you who are in this kind of a situation, you know, are there refinements? Are the improvements? Sure, but I'm talking about something you know, that costs just a couple of dollars. You just need a basic notebook for your to do list, and then you need a calendar, a page, a day calendar, and that's all you need. And then you make sure that at the end of every day you transfer to the next morning or the next afternoon, things from your list onto the calendar. And it's not just, you know, remodel your bathroom, but it might also be work tasks. It might be getting a birthday present for your wife. It might be looking into something that one of your children needs. But and don't fall into the trap of different books for family and different books for work and different books for leaders. No, a to do is a to do. A task is a task. It just doesn't matter, and the important thing is to do a comprehensive brain dump and get everything down and make sure that everything is broken down from overall big things like fix the bathroom, down to basics, which is,
Daniel Lapin 30:38
you know, choose a medicine cabinet, choose lighting. It might also mean choose a handyman or a contractor to do the job if you're not going to do it yourself. But you get the idea, right? I think I've told you enough that that you should be able to put this thing together if you if you aren't already, now, most of you, I'm sure, happy warriors already have some kind of a system in place where you are effectively doing this already in your life, whether you're using digital and electronic means or whatever you're using, I'm sure you got it. But for those of you who's been scratching your heads and realizing that you know you're just not distinguishing between daydreams and strategies. This may be a good place to start, and for those of you who wondering, I see an enormous advantage in using paper and pen as opposed to digital. Now, once you're up and running and you've got a year or two or three behind you, and your time management is in great shape. You know, use whatever you like, but if you're if you're redesigning your life, if you're saying to yourself, it's time I really get this into shape, then I recommend that you use, as I say, notebooks and pens or pencils. And there's a reason for that, having to do with the way our brains work, but enough of that for now. So at any rate, that ladies and gentlemen, Happy Warriors, that's where we're up to and what we're going to do for today, for today's show, and I look forward to continuing our discussion in next week's show, the next week's Rabbi Daniel Lapin show, where I your Rabbi, Wish you as every week great progress in your family, your finances, your faith, your friendships and your fitness. God Bless.
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