TRANSCRIPT
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The Rabbi Daniel Lapin Podcast
Episode: Young Women Misled by Terrible Advice
Date: 08/16/24 Length: 55:20
Daniel Lapin 00:00
Greetings, Happy Warriors, and thank you for being tuned in to the rabbi Daniel Lapin show, where I your rabbi reveal how the world really works. Thank you for being part of the show, and thank you for all you do to spread the word of the show, because the number of subscribers has been going up beautifully, and I find that very gratifying and encourages me to greater efforts and more energy. So by the way, if you haven't yet subscribed, it will be a fine time to do that. Now be wonderful if you actually did that. So, go ahead and today we're taking a look at how terrible advice misleads young women. And this came about because I had a long drive to do recently, and it it turned out that I enjoy listening to podcasts. I sometimes enjoy listening to discussions on satellite radio. And so during the course of the drive, I had the opportunity to hear and I decided to tune in to a number of different podcasts where young women host the show and provide advice to call ins from other young women. And I recorded some of the questions and some of the answers, and I thought about it for a few days and reviewed them and realized that something insidious is going on here, and something that is incredibly disruptive to society in general, to any young women who hear these things, and, of course, to men who seek wives with whom they can walk hand in hand through life and with whom they can build a future and a family. So the intrinsic problem here is that it's kind of unfair to women in a certain sense, in that in the male female dynamic, what the male brings to the partnership is and I spoke about this a little bit in the special bonus last week, and I'll give another bonus this week as well, and I'll explain what that is in a moment. But I spoke about the fact that what the guy brings to the relationship is power. Now I use the word power even though it has a negative ring to it, and I'm aware of that, but I'm going to ask you to back off that particular connotation and and think of it in terms of an encapsulation of prestige and prosperity confidence, ambition, the things that make a man attractive to a woman, and what a woman brings is femininity And and attraction and feminine appeal. What that means is that almost automatically, there is a power imbalance, right? Well, of course there is, and that doesn't mean that's how it continues through life. The truth is that most women can get most men to do a great deal of what they want them to do again, because there is a power in the reverse direction as well. But what are some of the characteristics that contribute to the power, particularly enjoyed by the man. Well, for one thing, nature is cruel to women in the sense that a woman's child bearing ability, which is attractive to a man in one way or the other, is on a downward gradient from a fairly early stage. And so if it is at a height at shall we say approximately 18 to 23 shall we say, from there onwards, it's going down. And this is not something that is often taught to young women and explain to young women and yes, it is true that they can conceive at 30 and 35 and 38 and 40 and 42 yes, many women can conceive at those ages, obviously. But what nobody tells women is how much harder it gets. And so whereas a man's value seems to go up as time goes by, he becomes more capable, he becomes more powerful, he becomes more prosperous. And Astonishingly, his capacity to conceive a baby does not appear to be significantly diminished as the decades go by, but for a woman, it does another area in which it is, and again, we've touched on this in the past, and that is that relationships, for the most part, are initiated by men. Particularly durable and wholesome relationships tend to be initiated by men. And I know the feminist movement shrieks in indignation. Why should that be? It's an old fashioned dynamic, and there's absolutely no reason why girls can't ask guys on dates. And of course, there's no reason why it is that women cannot propose to men, and the response to that is welcome to how the world really works. And what that means is that yes, an invitation to casual sex, an invitation to a hooker, an invitation to a fun day. Yeah, that can probably be initiated by a woman, but it doesn't necessarily, I'm not to say necessarily, for the most part, it does not go beyond that. Can a woman propose marriage? Go ahead, be my guest. But again, the power dynamics of the relationship are such that men for the most part, are there exceptions? They may well be never met one myself, but there may well be some men, for the most part, do not react well to being proposed to by women. It can happen. It sometimes does. On my radio show, I remember a woman calling in when I was discussing this and said, Well, I proposed to my husband and and a thought suddenly crept into my mind, and I decided to take a chance, and I said to her on the phone, and how long did you remain married? And she said, six years. But that's got nothing to do with it. No, it has a great deal to do with it.
Daniel Lapin 07:37
The fact is that the initiator is the power player in exactly the same way that a transaction takes place when a customer makes the decision to purchase. Now there's such a thing as competent salesmanship and professional salesmanship, but the customer is always right. Why? Because the customer has the power. The customer holds the wallet and says, Yes, I want to purchase that product or that commodity or that service, or I don't. And so in exactly the same way, if a man picks up the phone and invites a woman out to a date. He is the initiator. It doesn't generally work so well the other way around. And generations of women have understood that that means you stay and wait for your phone to ring. And one protests this mightily that this is old fashioned and it's sexist, and none of this has to apply in these modern enlightened times. But unfortunately for the left, unfortunately for progressives, there is something called human nature, and there is no sign whatsoever that it is being dramatically changed. Now I want to make sure that you all understand that we, Susan and I and our team, have a very special relationship with our Happy Warriors, members of the Happy Warrior community, and to such an extent that, in an effort to say a special big thank you to those who are Happy Warriors, we tend I try to do it every week. Now we try and and give, especially for the Happy Warrior community, we've tried to set up a special bonus part of the podcast, and so because there are a few things that I don't really like saying in public, and nothing could be more public than the podcast, there are certain things I prefer saying in a slightly more pro. Private kind of environment where it's a little safer. Yes, I know one constantly runs the risk of being canceled for telling the truth, and I have no doubt that the many, many attacks I have sustained on the internet will continue, and there'll be times where they increase in intensity, there'll be times they decrease in intensity. But at any rate, it's easier for me if I make available certain things just to the private community, the Happy Warrior crowd, if you like. But here's what I'm talking about today. I'm talking about the advice that I heard bewildered and baffled and puzzled and perplexed young women ask the equally puzzled and baffled and puzzled and perplexed young women hosting the shows, and I'm going to tell you the question, and I'm going to give you the gist of what the answers were, and while I'm doing so, you might like to think about how you might answer these if, if a niece of yours, if a family friend, the daughter of a friend, or maybe even your own daughter, were to ask you the I they would be unlikely to hear these from a daughter, but, but here's number One, which I hope you find interesting, and it is, I am 27 and I've been dating my boyfriend for about four years, so from the time she was 23 and he's wonderful. He treats me like a princess, and I really love him, but my parents and some of my cousins, yes, we are a large, close family, are starting to resent him. They say that four years is far too long to date. So you get it, she loves this guy. She's deeply committed to Him. She's four years into a dating relationship, and understandably, her parents are saying, hey, you know what? You're 27 already, and we'd like to know where where this is going. We think you should be interested in knowing just where exactly this is headed. And so she says, my parents and some of my family members are starting to resent my wonderful boyfriend, who's everything I've always been looking for, and the advice given, what the young woman hosting the show said to her was, it's none of their business, and how long you choose to date is entirely how it's up to you. However long it makes you happy is exactly how long you should date for. There is no reason to put him under pressure. There's no reason. I mean, are you even really sure that you want to get married. After all, aren't you having fun? Don't you enjoy this kind of freedom that you have? And that was the the just, and They conversed a little bit along these lines, but the host who has a certain persuasive ability, if for no other reason, then she hosts a show to which a lot of people are calling in for agony advice. You can see her having an impact. You can listen to the girl who called in, the 27 year old girl who called in. You can hear her her doubts melt away and and they were repeated, repeated references to things like, look, this is not really your parents business. You're an adult. You're 27 years old. You got to draw boundaries. You got to tell them to mind their own business. And she even said, You've got to even tell your parents and your family that you love them and you love being part of the family, but you're going to have to start cutting back the time you spend with family if they're going to butt into your business in this fashion. And I wonder what you might have said to the young women asking this question, what I would have said to her is, look,
Daniel Lapin 14:48
I consistently recommend very strongly against long dating relationships. And part of the reason is that our minds play tricks on our heart, and our heart plays tricks on our head. And one of the things that happens is that the more time you've invested in this relationship, the harder it is to end it. Firstly, you are emotionally involved, and secondly, you are aware that time is passing by. You're a woman, and your body reminds you every single month that time is passing by, and deep down, there's a part of your soul that yearns to be a mother, and you'd like that ideally, to be together with an involved father to whom you married. And so with the time you've already invested, which is four years, you are very reluctant to walk away from this. You're very reluctant to issue anything that could sound like an ultimatum and that could make that could maybe make your boyfriend decide to walk away out of fear. He doesn't, you know, he's not ready to move ahead to marriage. Maybe he doesn't want to be married at all. And if, up till now, you've given no indication that there's anything wrong with the relationship, he assumes that you're as happy with it as he is, and therein lies the whole problem. This is very much against your interest, but then it was against your interests three years ago. It was against your interest two years ago, and it was even against your interest one year ago, after you'd been dating him for a year already. A year is a very long time when you are a woman in your early 20s, because obviously, if you're going to waste a year, let alone four years, on a relationship that doesn't bring you what you want. And again, this is a very big difference between men and women, and that is, women know from an early age that for the most part, they yearn for a husband and for babies, they yearn for a family. And I remember when our daughters were young. And when I say young, I mean four years old, five years old, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. I remember the floor of our family living room was very often cluttered with bride magazines. That's right, they used to spend the money that they earned doing various jobs around the house, and they spent a good portion looked like a whole lot on bride magazines. And they and they would talk about their weddings and what they these are young little girls and our 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, year old. Son, 16, 17, 18, year old. Son, not during any of these periods was he buying bridegroom magazine. Oh, wait, there isn't such a thing. Well, that tells you all you need to know, right there. That's right, women yearn early for the opportunity to build a nest, to make her home, to have a husband and to have children. Guys don't and so I would say to her, you got to understand that already a number of years ago, you're four years into this. A number of years ago, you already started feeling anxious about this, and you were trying to figure out how to find out if he was a long term, if he really meant this to be something real and lasting, or whether he was just enjoying it, and you discover little by little that guys are perfectly capable of dating you for four years without a thought of marriage creeping into their hearts in any way whatsoever. And so the advice given to this young woman was horrible. I felt awful about it. Your parents, of course, your parents are worried. Of course, your parents want to see you settled and married, with a home and a husband. Of course, they want that. And your cousin, these are people who love you and they want the best for you, and you've come from a large, happy, connected family, and that means that a lot of people got married, and they're all waiting for your wedding, and they've been waiting for several years already, and they don't see any sign that it's getting any closer, and they don't see that your boy. Friend who's been invited to numerous family events already. They don't see that he is making any kind of progress towards an engagement and a marriage. And obviously they worried. And so the advice of, you know, hello, you know, there. They must, but out of your business. You know you're an adult. No, that's terrible advice. There's a reason that the people who love you most are the most unhappy about what is going on, and the notion that girls enjoy endless dating, dating without purpose, what I call non courtship, that they can enjoy that as much as guys do, is simply not true. It's simply not the case girls date consciously or subconsciously with the goal of bringing it towards a marriage and and there's an understanding as well, and something that women get that men don't get very early. And that is that for men, sexual variety and novelty is very appealing, right? If you think about it, that's one of the reasons that there is a pornography industry. Why should there be anything more than a duplication industry? Right? Let let them produce one piece of pornography, and then they can duplicate it millions of times, and every time a man wants to buy pornography, can get that piece of pornography. Why is it that there is a constant stream of manufacture? Right? Because men yearn, and we're not talking now about whether it is a good thing or a bad thing, but men yearn for novelty. Women yearn for permanence, and so a first time physical relationship with a new partner, for a man is intrinsically thrilling, and he can be quite capable of thinking to himself, you know what? Next week, I'm going to have somebody new. And for her, that relationship that has just been launched in a physical sense, would be best of all if she knew it was the first of a lifetime of such connection, men don't intuitively think that way. They need to learn that it has to be learned, and it is true, but women know it intuitively, and any attempt at trying to get by it and overcome it generally meets with failure. And when I say that there are certain things that are true, and even though we men may not necessarily know it, I'll give you another example, one way in which the dating app industry does men a tremendous disservice, and I would say women also, actually it does it a huge disservice. You know how? Because we are not created to encounter 100 potential life mates within an hour. And the fact is that you can page through an app, a dating app, like, well, you I don't have to tell you what they are and and literally, you can go from one prospect to another. You know, after 20 seconds, I mean, you literally could see, you know, 120
Daniel Lapin 24:10
in an hour, you could actually easily see that. And then, you know, and it creates a sense that there's an everlasting stream, and who knows, maybe the next person you see is going to be even more stunning, and maybe you will swipe right on it in exactly the same way that they will, and you'll connect. And then guess what? Next week, there can be another one. That's not how we are created, and there is a certain kind of essential overload that takes place and does real damage to men and to women in this respect. And so it's not that the the internet dating industry is totally without use you. You know, it's, it's like, it's like many other things. It's a tool, and it can be overused. It can be used badly. It can be used for good. And so to make it possible for somebody in a small town somewhere to meet somebody in another small town, you know, an hour away, ordinarily, you very well may not meet that person, and now on the dating app, you do, and that's wonderful. That's a good usage. But the fact is that, that's not the only person you're going to be looking at. You're going to be looking at, who knows, dozens of other people as well. And that is a it's a very real problem that kind of overload makes it very difficult, because you constantly feel that there's somebody on the next screen who's just right for you, and so you keep going. Part of the problem is, and this is a very important point I want to just stress for all of you and for anybody, you introduce this show to perhaps a younger person who could benefit from hearing it, you're told again and again and again that the most important decision you make is who you're going to marry. That's your most important decision. So much so that if you were to ask young people in your acquaintance this question, I am sure you will be fascinated by the answers you get as I am, and the question is, how much of a success of a marriage is due to having picked the right person? And most people think it's 100% it's as if they consider themselves to be individuals with no agency whatsoever in individuals with no will, individuals with no capacity to change their behavior and influence their environment. It's a terrible thing. It's not true. And to and to live this lie is to make the most dreadful mistakes in life. And so how much of marital happiness is due to picking the right person? I would say, if I had to put a number on it. Roughly speaking, 20% 80% of the success of a marriage depends on how the man and the woman conduct themselves from day one of the marriage. Now, I'd say from about day minus 60, about two months before the marriage, maybe a bit more. That's what makes the difference. And so, if you like the Constitution, an unwritten constitution that a young couple sculpt for themselves to provide the moral boundaries and the philosophical shape and the value system of the marriage, those are the things that ultimately determine the success or the failure of the marriage. It's not who you pick, and if people could understand that, those who do understand it are liberated from this terrible tension of you know, maybe I'm picking the wrong person if I just wait till tomorrow. And of course, right or wrong is hugely influenced by appearance, because that's what comes out initially on these on these dating apps. So it's a huge problem. And and I think it leads into the second question that I heard during my road trip as I was able to listen to young women dialing in for advice, to podcasts and to to radio shows that were being hosted by Yes, other young women. So here's the next one my boyfriend and I started dating when I was a senior in high school. He was 23 so she was 17 or 18. He's 23 so say about a five year difference. We're now 21 and there you go. We're now 21 and 26 right? Five year difference, and I'm graduating college soon, and my parents and my boyfriend will be guests at my graduation weekend. My parents are rude to him and clearly don't like him. I've asked them, and they say it's because his parents are divorced. How do I get them to be polite to him and not spoil my whole graduation for me. And you've got to ask yourself, what would you say to this young woman? She's 21 her boyfriend is 26 they've been together for two. What's it? Three years? Yeah, they've been together three years, boyfriend and girlfriend. When I say together, I shouldn't really say that, because you really are only together with someone you marry to and, and so her parents don't like the guy and, and so the answer given not your answer, not my answer, but the answer given was tell your parents that if they cannot control themselves and give you the respect you deserves an adult, you chose this guy as your boyfriend. He's your choice, and your parents have to accept that, and if they can't, you have to tell them that you would, if necessary, you will rescind the invitation and ask them not to come to your graduation. So you see that this particular host has been incredibly influenced by progressive Marxist thinking that family just doesn't matter, family not important. And if family isn't important, well, then what is friends? Of course, friends, that's what really counts. Friends are much more important than family. You know why? Because you can choose your friends, you don't get to choose your family. And you know all of that is true, but what an extraordinary piece of advice. No question at all. I was waiting for the host to say, Why do you think they are bothered by the fact that your boyfriend's parents are divorced? Wouldn't you like to know how old he was when they divorced? Was the divorce acrimonious? You know, get a little more information. Why do you think your parents girlfriend? Why do you think your parents are unhappy? Because he's divorced. Well, he's a bit older than you. You started dating seriously. It seems when you were still a senior in high school, you were like 18, and he was a bit older. He was 23, five years older. And they are concerned, because they see the years going by, and they also know that the statistics for divorce, of people who themselves grew up in divorced homes are pretty bad. In other words, the damage that a divorce does flows into the next generation, really and seriously and really does. That's a very big problem, and your parents are obviously very aware of that, and so yes, they are concerned, because this is moving on, is it going to lead to marriage or not? Well, you see, they're worried either way, try and put yourself in their place. If this isn't leading to marriage, then your years are going by, and your opportunities of meeting somebody who really would become a wonderful husband are diminishing significantly year by year. So if it's not, this is not leading to marriage, they're worried. And if it is leading to marriage, they're asking themselves whether this is really the best guy for you to marry. And one point against him is the fact that he is someone who grew up divorced now is this, and by the way, the term that the host used repeatedly was how judgmental of your parents, and it's important to put yourself on the alert Anytime you hear somebody condemning a line of thinking because it's judgmental, you should dismiss that because judgmental is not an overall indictment on anything.
Daniel Lapin 34:13
Everything is being judged all the time. When you buy car insurance, your driving record is being judged, and maybe even your gender and your age are being judged. If you're a 19 year old male trying to buy car insurance, you can bet that you're being judged as part of a group, which makes it even worse. Nothing wrong with judging. We make judgments all the time in our lives, and yes, it is perfectly possible for a young man or a young woman to be confronted by two marital possibilities and to try and judge, try and judge which one is superior, which one would be in your best interests to go, Hello. Susan, that was a lot terrible, what? And so, what was that dreadful noise going on there berries,
Susan Lapin 35:16
frozen strawberries being mushed? Oh, yeah. Okay, so
Daniel Lapin 35:24
far away from you. Look, I don't want you to be far away from me. But when it comes to that sort of record, all right,
Susan Lapin 35:30
well, could you just pretend you don't hear I can
Daniel Lapin 35:34
pretend, and I can ask our audience of Happy Warriors, please pretend you cannot you see. Here's what's happening, today is Thursday, and you'll be listening to this podcast in the next few days, but in just two days time, we have Shabbat, and when Friday night arrives and the sun goes down, Susan lights candles, and from then onwards, no more work is done. And among the work that isn't done is cooking. And so all the food that we are going to enjoy with our family and with our friends on Friday night and on Saturday daytime, well, all of that is prepared beforehand. And since Susan and I are busy preparing a new resource for you on Friday. She has to be preparing today. And it turns out what we were hearing there was frozen strawberries being something pureed, maybe in a food processor. That was it sounded it sounded really bad. It sounded as if all kinds of mayhem was being wreaked back there. But you'll pardon me having satisfied myself as to Susan's safety, and we can now resume back to where we were going. Yes, it's quite possible for two people to be present in in your consideration. And I, sometimes ask this question, you know? And I say, you know, imagine you're a young woman, and there are two possibilities. There's two guys, and they're very similar in all respects, accepting in this respect, which would you choose? And it's almost invariably an interesting conversation that flows out of that. But yes, it's quite possible that this girl's parents are saying to themselves, you know what? You started dating this guy when you were 18. It's you are now 21. Three years have passed, and you know, we don't know? Yes, marriage. Well, he is divorced, which means that there is a statistically significant chance of him also not being able to sustain a lasting marriage. And so if all things are equal, if you could marry two guys, both excellent in every respect, accepting. One is the child of parents who had a divorce, and one is the child of an ongoing, happy, loving family. There's no question which one to choose, and this, this person was the the host was getting wrapped up in this idea of how this is judgmental against this guy. Divorce isn't bad. It's just one of those things that happens to some people. That's what she said. No, divorce is terrible. There's no question about it. It doesn't necessarily mean you're not a bad person if you've had a divorce, but it does have bad impacts, and they go down to future generations. It's not fair on him. It's nothing to do with him that his parents were divorced. Look, Al Capone's son had a lot of trouble getting a job in a bank. It's not fair. Al Capone's son was law abiding example. Okay, I don't even know if Al Capone had a son, and I certainly don't know if he's tried to get a job at a bank, but you just imagine what happens when he goes in and he applies for a bank job, and the bank manager says, And what's your name? He says, Al Capone Jr. Bank Manager raised his eyebrows and said, any relationship to the Al Capone is currently serving time in a federal prison. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's my dad. I get to visit with him once a month. I'm quite sure the bank would say, thanks very much indeed. We'll let you know, and that'll be the end of it. Why? Because it doesn't make sense for the bank to hire Al Capone. If anything should ever go wrong, the board of directors will say to the bank manager, what were you thinking? Yes, of course, it's unfair. And when the Bible speaks about the sins of the fathers being visited upon the children to the next generation and the generation after that, this is what it's talking about. It's not talking about lightning and Thunderbolts striking you. It's talking about. About the fact that our children benefit from good things we do and they suffer from bad things we do. That's how the world really works. You gotta understand that, right? Somebody, a woman goes on drugs, a woman smokes cigarettes, a woman drinks a lot of alcohol during the time that she is carrying a child to to birth. Yes, that child will pay the price. Is it unfair? Of course, it's unfair, but it's how the world really works. In the Holistic You, yes, in our book The Holistic You, we speak up soon, we
Susan Lapin 40:39
discuss, and I'm trying to remember who it is, I think was the person who did TV Guide. But sometimes a child recognizing that unfair thing that happened because of their parent, his or her parent basically dedicates their life to redeeming the name. We actually discuss a case like that in the holistic view. Yes, I believe also O'Hare Airport. I believe was the same kind of case where the father was a mafia figure. If I have the wrong airport, I apologize to everyone in Chicago, but I believe that the father was a mafia figure, and the son became a war hero, partially motivated by the fact that he wanted to
Daniel Lapin 41:17
I don't know if you can hear and I wish you could see Susan. I love the way she looks, but she probably, I'm almost sure, doesn't want to appear on camera, because she is in fantastic cooking mode. And I got to tell you, I mean, I think a wife in an apron preparing a meal is one of the sexiest sites in the whole wide world. But what she was talking about was that the founder of TV Guide a Jewish guy, I forget for the moment what his name was, but we write about this in our book The Holistic You, which, if you haven't got yet, please go online and read about it, because I think you'll see that it's an addition to your library that provides you with tools, and it's on sale this week for the first time on Our Website at RabbiDanielLapin.com, and you are able to have a look at it right there at the website. So, yeah, this was a case of, the life of a son, absolutely being impacted. The father ended up in jail. I think, it was tax issues, I don't remember exactly, and the son really dedicated himself to restoring the family name, and indeed he did that in spades. And then susanal said that O'Hare Airport was named also after somebody who became a war hero. O'Hare Airport in Chicago, and I was trying to, I guess I'm not flying a whole lot at the moment, but I used to know all the three letter designated, oh, here what is, anyways, don't have to waste your time while I indulge myself on that nonsense. But apparently, also that same thing, look, it's it's not fair and it isn't fair the other way either. Is it when somebody has a fantastic start in life because her parents stayed married and they left her a fantastic legacy with a lot of connections and a big family. Of course, she's better off than many other girls of the same age, but of very different backgrounds. Now, neither of these girls did anything themselves to bring about, in one case, a really tough, unenviable, unfortunate quality of life, and the other case, a wonderful life. The girls themselves didn't. I think it's all what the parents did? Yes, that is exactly right, and it's part of God's system for encouraging us and incentivizing us to live our best lives because we care about our children. It's the most natural human instinct to really care about your children, and knowing that if you make a success of your life, your children have it better, that is a huge incentive be aware of it. It's true. It's real. Okay. Third question, I've just turned 31 this is a young woman speaking to a female host of a show. I've just turned 31 and have been in four serious, long term relationships. Now, I've told you in the past, there is no such thing as a male female relationship. Male and females are either mother, son, father, daughter, husband, wife. Divorcee, and I think that's about it. There isn't anything else. The idea that there is a relationship, it's not real, non existent. It's imaginary. I don't feel like serious dating now, okay, she's 31, she's been in four serious, long term relationships. So that's like, probably,
Daniel Lapin 45:33
gosh, yeah, it's probably, I'm just trying to estimate, you know, maybe three or four years each. That's a lot of time to waste on relationships. Gosh, young women, this is why I'm talking about it today. They are so easily damaged because they are more vulnerable than guys, for the reasons we've been discussing, substantially more vulnerable. You got to see that. And so she says, I've just turned 31 I've been in four serious, long term relationships. I don't feel like serious dating now, I don't blame you. I understand that feeling. You're worn out. I'm just here. She says, I'm just exhausted from it all, and I just want to have a bit of fun, and if I could play some very ominous organ music from old time radio shows, that's what I would do right now, the trouble is that after each of my last five hookups, I've been tormented by feelings of becoming and here's a word I didn't even know is A thing I've been tormented by feelings of becoming slutified. I've been feeling dirty and unworthy. My therapist says I have to get rid of the dated value system that is poisoning my mind, and I must just keep up as there is nothing guilty about sex, and the more I do it, the more I will be able to just enjoy it without making these horrible value judgments on myself. And the hostess of the show said to this young woman, well, welcome to 31 this is you're entering your sexiest phase of your life. How wonderful. Oh, you. I just know I can feel that you are about to experience wonderful times. Really feel what are you? A gypsy fortune teller? That's what they get from and and this girl said, Oh, I can't believe I'm talking to you, and you're saying exactly what I need to hear. No, she's saying what you want to hear, not what you need to hear. It's painful. I have to tell you, it is painful listening, because my heart goes out to these girls whose lives are being harmed by this sort of rubbish and by this entire cultural message by weak means of which they are living these critical early years of their adult life. And so the hostess says, yes, your therapist is exactly right. Listen, the more you do it, the less it's going to bother you. And there's some truth in that, I'm afraid and so stop judging yourself. You're not a slut. There is no such thing as a slut. It's a sexist judgment, and it's irrelevant, and it has nothing to do with with anything true. Just enjoy these years and and you know, when the time is right, you'll find your your your future boyfriend. They love the stone boyfriend, again and again and again and again. I've so I've spoken about many times in the past. Ladies, you don't have a boyfriend. There isn't such a thing. There really isn't. Don't buy into it. Fiance, I don't buy that either. It also doesn't. It means a little bit, but not a whole lot. There's husband and that's it. I guess ex husband, maybe that's all. It's, it's, it's so sad to see this. So here's a young girl whose instincts are telling her this isn't good. What you're doing isn't good. This does change you. If you don't like the word slatify, it changes you anyway. It changes men too, but not nearly as seriously. Yes, it does make it harder and harder for you to form a permanent bond down the road. And again, the statistics are absolutely valid and reliable on this and the truth is even a thought experiment would prove it to you if you don't like the statistics. But the bottom line is, the more relationships you. Endure before marriage, the less are the chances of a long term enduring happy marriage. It's bad news. I know I hate to tell it to you, but my hope in in talking about these things, whenever I talk about them, whenever we write about them, Susan mentioned our book, The Holistic You when we talk about these things, it's in the hope of a girl hearing them while she is still young enough to benefit dramatically from it. You know, when people say it's never too late, it's another one of those lies. It may be never too late to do something, but it is most definitely to do it's most definitely too late to do today. What you could have done yesterday if it still had been yesterday. In other words, the earlier you act, the more options you have. It's pretty straightforward. Should I let me do one more? Here comes the final one. I'm 17, and just met my first real boyfriend. I love him very deeply, and we've been on six dates. Each one is more exciting than the one before. Every time he touches me, I feel closer to him. I've been raised by a very old fashioned family to believe that good girls wait for marriage. I am worried that if I don't soon go all the way with Jim, he'll leave me right? And again, the hostess says to the 17 year old girl, look, in another year, you're an adult. And by the way, she didn't even bring up issues of statutory rape and legal she didn't, she didn't even mention these things. She just basically said, Follow your heart. Just you know what, you love him. That's the important thing. And your parents are of another generation. We today have much more enlightened attitudes towards sex, and so this idea that you gotta hold on to, it, get rid of that girlfriend. You don't you don't need those ideas damaging this girl's chances for a happy future. No question about it, right? No question. And yet, this is the advice that's being doled out and I listen to three different shows. And, you know, this was a collection. I took down more of them as well from the various shows I was listening to. But what is common to them all is that they are all being given the same kind of advice. It's it's advice that is the very opposite of ancient Jewish wisdom. It's the advice that is opposite to generations of human experience, really. And it's advice that, for the most part is more likely to produce unhappiness than happiness, and this is being doled out on the air, on radio, on probably on television as well, although I don't know, but certainly throughout the Internet and listening to the young women gushing in gratitude for the advice. It was pretty amazing. Really, pretty amazing. I'm going to in the bonus section for Happy Warriors, because I love you. Is going to be a fifth question, and this one is about a young mother and her wealthy mother in law. And I'll be talking about that one in the bonus section, which is specially for you Happy Warrior members. And I welcome you very much to become part of our community, where not only do you have access to an entire library of information of ancient Jewish wisdom impacting your life in the five crucial areas, family, finance, faith, friendship and fitness, and of course, our book, The Holistic You, clarifies the interaction between all of these five different areas. So until next week, I am your rabbi, Rabbi Daniel Lapin, and I want to thank you for being part of the show. Thank you for spreading word. The show, and I want to wish you a week of growth, onwards and upwards in your five F's, your family and your finance, your faith, your friendship and your physical fitness. I'm your rabbi. God bless you.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
