TRANSCRIPT
*Transcripts are auto-generated and reviewed for accuracy, but there may be some errors in punctuation or words. Listen to the podcast at https://rabbidaniellapin.libsyn.com/ for clarification
The Rabbi Daniel Lapin Podcast
Episode: Hair a Grief, There a Grief, Everywhere a Grief
Date: 7/26/24 Length: 42:17
Daniel Lapin 0:04
Greetings, happy warriors and welcome to the Rabbi Daniel Lapin show, where I your rabbi, reveal how the world really works. Thank you for being with us on the show. Thank you for all you do, and I have to tell you that in addition to helping to promote the show, telling people about it, finding friends who might be like-minded, and who might enjoy being part of the happy warrior community telling them about this. I appreciate all of that, and I also appreciate very deeply the many, many, many letters that we received, condolence letters from so many of you, and they go a long way towards comforting us. They really do, as some of you may know, and I don't mean to harp on this in an sort of obnoxiously maudlin and personal kind of way, but I look at you Happy Warriors as a real community and I don't think that I could have concealed from you what has been happening to us lately. As my youngest daughter pointed out when I when I told her that even though it's two and a half weeks since our second daughter, Rena, returned home to the Lord, I was finding myself periodically overwhelmed by uncontrollable bouts of profound grief. And she said, Daddy, look, it's the worst thing that's happened to us. And I think sort of seeing those words in stark, stand-out letters in a text in which she sent it to me, I think that sort of really helped bring it home.
Daniel Lapin 2:20
It's, you know, I find myself at odd moments, sort of drawn into things. So for instance, I couldn't get out of my head this morning while I was preparing today's show. I couldn't get out of my head how much I used to enjoy hearing from my children at the words, you know, we homeschooled, and so I was working, usually writing a book in my study, and really just on the other side of the door were seven rambunctious children. And so I enjoyed the sound and the noise, and every now and then, usually it would be one of the daughters say, Daddy, come here. I need you. Daddy, come here. I need you. And I used to love that, and I'd say it was one of the things I greatly missed as they grew up. And eventually the youngest stopped saying it, and the words, Daddy, come here. I need you went away. And I just could not thinking to myself that these last few weeks, two and a half weeks ago, and in the months leading up during which arena fought a very bad cancer. I sort of realized that the Daddy come here, I need you on this last crucial time I couldn't do anything about and that's kind of rough. One of the requirements of mourning. And I really value the fact that that mourning is demarcated in ancient Jewish wisdom. I never like trusting feelings. Feelings are so unreliable. And as a matter of fact, in meetings and negotiations, in conversations, I do my best to never say, Well, I feel that, unless I specifically want to leave certain room to maneuver and I want the other party to be able to say, Look, you may feel that, but it's an incorrect perception. You're feeling something that isn't there. Okay, great, but, but otherwise, I really don't trust feelings, and so to leave something like mourning and dealing with grief and being able to reshape your reality so you can continue that's not a good thing to leave to feelings. Not at all a good thing to leave to feelings. It's far, far better to use a system that comes. To us from the boss, detailing just how this should happen. And so there is one week of intense mourning. We call that Shiva, which is the Hebrew word for sitting, because we sit at home with our family members on low chairs close to the ground, uncomfortable, and friends and relatives who want to console us and share some of the pain with us come visit, sit and spend time with us. Sometimes they don't even say anything. Sometimes just being there is all it needs. And it's a very powerful seven-day period, immensely helpful. And then after that, there's a 30-day period, and that's where we are right now and during that time. And I feel compelled to point this out, because I respect my Happy Warrior audience. I respect all of you enough to know that I almost never do the show in casual clothing, very, very rarely, perhaps while I'm on a trip. But ordinarily, I dress formally for the show, and today I don't have a tie on, and I'm sorry for that, but I do that as a sign of respect for our material, ancient Jewish wisdom and the 5f program, and I do it out of respect for you and the time that you invest. And so it must look a little odd for me to look so unkempt. Beard-wise, as you can see, my beard is not trimmed. I haven't had a haircut. Now, in my case, I can't say that makes a huge amount of difference, but in terms of trimming and cleaning up, we do not cut our hair during the first 30 days after losing somebody and so I thought I'd tell you that I'm not just being neglectful, but that's part of the morning process. Why is that? What's that about? Well, the Hebrew word for hair is very closely. It's say are you can hear. It starts with an S, which in Hebrew is either an S or a C, S, H, sure or sir, is the same word, same letter, and it ends with the R, and in between there's just, there's a sort of vowel sitting there, SHA say are, but essentially it's Sr, which is exactly the same root. The SR root is the same as the root for Sir in English, which is a language expressing unequal power, right? If I, if I call, you know, if I call my son, sir, it could almost sound mocking, because it's ridiculous. Sir is used when I'm acknowledging that the person whom I'm addressing is of a higher power ranking than I am. It's also the origin of two similar words, and again, you have to think phonetically and etymologically here to hear this clearly, but once you recognize that the SR sound is a sound indicative of disproportionate power. Then you hear also the word Caesar, Caesar. So you got an S, C sound at the beginning and an R at the end. A Caesar was the highest ranking in the Roman Empire, also similar sounding and phonetics with the Russian czar. Now we are accustomed to seeing it spelt C, Z, A, R. Think etymologically. Think phonetically, you hear the S R sound, again, exactly the same idea.
Daniel Lapin 8:58
The Hebrew word for barrier, for fence, even for guard and for policeman, law enforcement, authority, all are SR words with different vowels and different sounds in between. But you know that's always so policeman, shotr, shtr, so again, you hear the consonant T in the middle, but it starts off with an S or an sh, ends with the R, a guardian or a guard. Sho mer, sh, Mr. A policeman. Did I say that shorter a gate or a, you know, something like a fence, a Shar right keeps you don't have the power to go through it. It is. It has the power to obstruct you from going through so though, and again, most prominently the Hebrew word for hair. What's that got to do with power? Well, think about. For a moment, if you would think about that we have in the the wonderful world of horror movies. And these are old, but if they, if they wanted to show the vampire, you know, the person turning into the werewolf, and suddenly hair starts proudly sprouting all over him. He gets hair all over his hands, but not just on the back, where we're accustomed to seeing hair, but on the palm as well, but in It's a horror thought, simply because we understand that hair belongs on the back. Why? Because the back of the hand is the fist, which is one of the ways of exerting power, right? It's a punch, and that's or you, or you hit something like that. But the inside of the hand, that's very spiritual. It's creative. It's how our fingers operate in order to manipulate, whether it's a microscope or a jackhammer, it makes no difference. Our hands are amazingly this is where our God, given creativity, finds expression. We call it the work of our hands and so it would be bizarre to find hair growing there. It's also cross-cultural and very common for women not to exhibit hair. And so even if a woman has hair growing on her arms or on her legs, it's very common in many cultures that many women take that away. Why? Again, because we're accustomed to thinking of men as being power full, and we think of of women as exerting power, not in terms of physical power, but spiritual power. And so hair is demonstrative of physical power, absence of hair spiritual power and and so does a woman have physical power? Sure, absolutely. But it's not the part of her that she is necessarily most proud of and that she wants to exhibit because she deploys her power in much more subtle ways. A woman can get a man to do almost anything she wants, and she doesn't have to threaten to punch him, not even once. It's a completely different way. And so this is one of the reasons that many sensitive women prefer, especially if they're married, and in that case, their physicality is reserved for their husbands, and it's a very special part of the relationship, but they then prefer to have the hair that they have on their bodies visible only to their husbands. Now, obviously hair in the pubic regions is going to be visible only to the husband. But what about hair on the head? And so you'll find women, many sensitive women, in many different cultures - Judaism, traditional Judaism, even our friends in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, the Amish - women conceal, married women, particularly conceal their hair, you know, beneath a wig or a bonnet or a hat or whatever it's going to be, but that's the idea of making the and that's what hair is. Hair is demonstrative of physicality that's visible and special only for the husband, and it makes the times that they are intimate together doubly special when the husband realizes and feels deep within him that the the the full physical joy and beauty and wonder of His wife is reserved only for him, and that exclusivity is part of the magic of the marriage relationship, and it's something that is absolutely essential in the heart and soul of every single man, a realization that there is exclusivity
Daniel Lapin 14:19
Which is why, when you think about it in what is called the bro code, a loosely defined set of rules that govern how men in a general popular environment, how they conduct themselves with one another. And one of the ways It always strikes me as interesting and I enjoy when I have an opportunity to speak to a man in that maloo, I enjoy asking him. So tell me something if, if your guy friend, your best buddy, breaks up with his girlfriend, and it's she's you've always liked. I mean, she's always been just terrific, and now she's free. How long is it going to take you to start dating? Her, and he almost always looks at me with sheer horror. You know, how? How can you? How can you possibly think I would do that? You know how you don't date your best friend's ex, to which I ask in complete surprise, why ever not? He's finished with her. He's moved on. She's free. Why wouldn't you? And they always every time they scratch their heads or they look baffled or puzzled, and they wrinkle their brows and they start trying to explain it to me, Well, he's probably heard God hurt feelings, and if he sees me with her, it'll remind him the pain as no pain. In this case, she's the dumpee. He's the dumper. He dumped her. He caused her pain. He hasn't given her another thought since then. He's moved on to new conquests, and she's just languishing in hurt and pain herself. She'd welcome your attention, and I still want to know, why won't you do it? Now that you know she's the dumpee, wouldn't you go for it, and he can't put his finger on what's wrong with it? Why just just go for it. Can't do it. And if you did, would you feel especially uncomfortable if you went to a party and your best buddy was there and saw you with her? Oh, boy, that would be terrible everywhere. Why I ask why? There is no logical reason for that, unless you understand that our Creator built into us the compelling urge to have our woman being exclusive to us, and that exclusivity strikes so deeply and rings and resonates so profoundly within the masculine soul that we have a sense that even though they've broken up, she was still His girl, and now you are going to so that exclusivity, that aura of exclusivity, is shattered every single time he sees or knows you are with his ex. That is the true explanation. There is no other explanation that I'm aware. If there is, go ahead and write it in to me. I, you know, I love to hear that.
Daniel Lapin 17:19
And what is more, I also, in terms of writing into us at the website, at RabbiDanielLapin.com you can write to us. And I just wanted to suggest that, as a Happy Warrior on the wehappywarriers.com website, wehappywarriors.com, you can actually communicate with me directly, and I get an opportunity to respond. We can have a conversation, which is one of the reasons to become a member of the we happy warrior community. I'd love that. So please just go ahead and do exactly that at the RabbiDanielLapin.com website, RabbiDanielLapin.com at that website, you're also able to see something that we wanted to bring to your attention, especially now, and it's one of the wonderful books. It's called Soul Construction: Shape your character using eight steps from the ancient Jewish system of Mussar. And this one was not written by Susan and me. This was written by a friend of ours, Ruchi Koval. I have interviewed her a couple of times on the show, so you may well have met her in the past. She's wonderful, and she approaches things from a feminine perspective. And, it's very, very helpful, because obviously I do not intuitively approach from a female perspective. And I think it would be a little strange if I did, I do my best to understand that. And, there will be times I am better or worse at it, but what Ruchi does in her terrific book is lay out eight steps to becoming a better person, a better husband, a better wife, a better husband, a better spouse, a better sibling, a better parent, a better friend and a better partner. But these are really very important things, because when you when you think about it, you know, is life really only a question of getting more stuff. You know what? My plastic idol is my plastic idol is my credit card, little piece of plastic and obviously I take it very seriously. It it can get me stuff. And then, like all idols, it brings a day of reckoning once a month that has to be paid for. And you. And I, I realize that
Daniel Lapin 20:03
there's got to be more to life than just finding a way to acquire stuff. And you know, particularly if your five F's are not in great shape, particularly the F of your family, the F of your friendship, if these are not really where they ought to be, then you really can experience the state of depression, which doesn't need a medication, it needs a spiritual medication. And the the struggle to make more of yourself is a wonderfully fulfilling struggle, the struggle to require no not require, demand more of yourself. It's wonderful. It's really a terrific thing to do. It's thrilling and exciting. It's one of the reasons that so many people find it exciting to work out in the gym, and they keep a record of the weights they can lift or their endurance, because you're improving yourself. And just as thrilling as it is to improve yourself physically, so fulfilling is it to improve yourself spiritually anyway, read more about the book, either on internet booksellers whose names I won't mention, because neither of the two biggies advertise on this show, but you know who they are, and alternatively, also write on our website at RabbiDanielLapin.com and you can go ahead right there at RabbiDanielLapin.com and there's quite A lot of material on and about the book. I book. For instance, here's a review of the book. Koval defines Mussar as an ancient path towards spirituality based on personal ethics and character development. The book is divided into eight chapters, each of which is dedicated to a different character trait, including topics such as favorable judgment, happiness and so on and so forth, all kinds of stuff. So you can read about it at RabbiDanielLapin.com the book is called Soul Construction, s -o-u-l like my soul and to rebuild it and expand it and and develop it Sul Construction. You'll love it and now would be a really good time at something either for you and also think of it as a gift as well.
Daniel Lapin 22:31
So back to the power of of women. Women have hair in mainly parts of their body that are physical. You say, Well, why on the head? Well, because it's on women's mental processes that they can be particularly physical. For instance, men bald much more frequently than women do, and that is because men's heads can get them to do things that are physically destructive. In other words, our focus is as men. Our focus is not only on our physical survival. For instance, far more men than women engage in extreme sports, I mean jumping off a cliff in Norway wearing nothing but a fabric suit structured so you look like a flying squirrel and, you know, and a lot of these guys lose their lives BASE jumping, buildings, antennas, what's s structures, maybe, whatever. But anyways, again, guys, it's nearly always guys. Why? Because they're seeking a spiritual high that comes from risking their physical existence. Very few women do it. The Darwin Awards given to posthumously to men or to people who lose their lives doing the most incredibly stupid things, overwhelmingly men, not because they're more stupid than women, although sometimes that is the case, particularly single young men, but but because they are seeking something deep and fulfilling. This is a quest that does not torment women to the same extent, and so women's relationship with physical existence much healthier. And I would say we don't have statistics on this, but my guess if there were the same number of women and men serving frontline combat units in a military it would be my guess that far more men than women would throw themselves on the grenade in order to save the lives of their platoon. We all know of cases like that or similar to that. My guess is that. Far more men than women would do that because it's not in the fundamental nature of a woman to give up her physical existence, largely because her physical existence is tied to the future. She may already have children that cannot manage without her, or at least very, very hard to manage without her, as Susan and I are discovering, as we try our best to help seven young grandchildren who no longer have a mom. It's incredibly difficult because particularly young children need moms. So if mothers or women are far less likely to want to give up their physical lives. Yeah, makes sense. So that's one of the reasons that women's heads, if you like, women's mental processes, women don't go bald to the set. Now look, I don't doubt for a moment that there is an evolutionary biology explanation for a certain chemical in the body in which which men have more than women, testosterone, which causes more. I'm sure that is true, but the underlying question always is the spiritual question of why? Why did our Creator build us like that? Again? Because our bodies, in their physical nature reflect the underlying spiritual reality. That's all that's going on. So yes, men do bald at a higher proportion than women. And my belief, no proof, just my belief is that men would give up their lives far more than women do, as we see them willing to do so in extreme sports for the thrill bungee jumping. I've spoken to bungee jumping companies to try and get their statistics. They tell me about nine men for every one woman agreeing to have a rubber band tied to their ankles and then to jump at first off a bridge. Right? You got to be crazy something missing in your life, right? Because you're seeking a high. I get it. You're seeking a high from adrenaline, but that high is also available and accessible through the spiritual challenge that soul construction speaks about, and that I speak about so often on this very show.
Daniel Lapin 23:33
And so back to hair. You also see the first time that hair is spoken of, any idea where that is, if you're, excuse me, if you're a Bible enthusiast, where do we find hair spoken of for the very first time. Well, it's chapter Genesis, chapter 25 and that is where Rebecca gives birth to two twin boys, and they get named Esau and Jacob. And Esau is born, and you can read the actual words, hairy, very, very much of hair. And by extension, we understand that Jacob was smooth. The idea being these two brothers carried within each of them the two separate realms of existence in this world, physical and spiritual. And Esau was a master of the physical. Jacob was a master of the spiritual, which is why we are told later that Joseph was a dweller in tents. The Hebrew word tent speaks of that spiritual connection. I don't want to go into that in length now, but I will just say that, you know, there are houses. People used to have houses. This notion that everybody lived in nomadic tents simply not true. When the word tent is used in the Five Books of Moses, the reference is always to a spiritual structure, a spiritual matrix, a spiritual world view, right, a way of perceiving reality. And we all have that.
Daniel Lapin 29:09
And if you thought about it, you would it's a worthwhile experiment, by the way, spend a few minutes trying to figure out, you know, what are your worldviews? What? What is the spiritual lens through which you see the world and and they're important questions there by you, for instance, is compassion or truth a higher value? When might you be forced to confront that? Well, a friend comes in and says, Hey, I've just bought this garment, what do you think of it? And you think to yourself, well, you've either got a few too many pounds on you, or that garments the size too small you know you really need. But you got to say now, do you value truth above compassion, or do you value compassion above truth? And the answer will ascertain the answer you give to your friend. Oh, it's terrific. You look fantastic in that it the color suits you perfect. Or, alternatively, yeah, I'm really sorry you asked my opinion. I'm going to tell you you should get a change for a size up. It's a little too tight on you. Or another thing is, go on a crash diet. You got to decide values are really, really important, and you got to know what yours are, and so worldviews, what your way of seeing the world is really important, and how physical and spiritual come together, and they do come together, there is no requirement that we should be only spiritual. That's ridiculous. We're not angels. We're human beings, but neither are we apes. We're not angels or apes. And so looking at the world only through a spiritual lens is wrong. Only through a physical lens also wrong, because you're going to get a distortion. It's simply not going to give you a realistic way of regulating your life and and organizing your life for the best possible life.
Daniel Lapin 31:06
And that's, by the way, part of what the 5f program is all about. It's designed to force you to deal with every aspect of life, the physical and the spiritual. And there are many of us who need help becoming more physical, and there are many of us who need help becoming more spiritual, understandably, particularly when a young man and a young woman marry, particularly if they've lived a chaste existence up till then, and and they've lived a very spiritual existence now, all of a sudden, they've got to learn to be able to experience life very physically, not always easy, not always easy at all, much easier, though, than the other way, where a couple gets married and they've both lived extremely physical lives, and now they have to find a way to relate to the spiritual side of marriage, because that's one of the great things that marriage does for both a man and a woman, and that is, it forces you to become a fully developed human being, able to see life through two eyes, the physical and the spiritual and the original plan, according to ancient Jewish wisdom, was for Esau to marry Leah and for Jacob to marry Rachel. Esau goes off the tracks and is no longer part of the Divine Plan, which leaves Jacob having to develop both sides by himself. And it's fascinating to watch that happening in Jacob's life. And for that reason, he ends up marrying both Leah and Rachel, that is the the first time we see the word hair and and it's in this context that we understand it. So why do for the first 30 days after losing somebody close, why do we practice the morning custom of not shaving, of not cutting our hair. It's very simple, because as my hair grows and I miss the morning ritual of shaving and cut and tidying my hair, I suddenly have to ask myself, wait a sec, take a look. That hair is growing and that's part of the physicality of life.
Daniel Lapin 33:50
I've got a wonderful scientific study that was written by a researcher who was spending a year in a meteorological station in Antarctica, and he reports that he was away from his wife for extended periods. Every three months, he was able to fly home for a week or two weeks. I don't remember the detail, but here's what he says was so fascinating he used to, because in these scientific stations, they're measuring everything that's going on all the time. He also was measuring his beard growth, and he says, As it got to within 10 days and a week of His return home, and he began thinking of his wife, and he began being aware that soon he would be with her, his hair growth increased, Well, naturally and obviously, when you know a little bit about the chemistry of the body and of hair growth and its connection the spiritual aspect of the growth of hair to physicality, yes, of course, it is connected. To physicality, and physicality is life, not spirituality, because spirituality exists after death, but not physicality. And so when in mourning, the physical part is growing, and I'm reminded each and every day, I'm reminded that that's not all there is, and it's hard to always remember that, and so to sort of being aware, no, I'm I'm not cutting my hair today, I'm not shaving, I'm not tidying up my hair, I'm not trimming my beard or my eyebrows or anything else not happening. And so that helped me on a daily basis, remind myself, you know what? It's not. It's we don't live in an only physical world. And so my physical connection with my daughter, I can't visit with her. I can't laugh with her. We can't jokingly smoke a cigar together. All of those things are now gone, but we will be together again on a spiritual level that I have no full comprehension of, although she now does, and so that is a full explanation of why It is that I look somewhat unkempt at the moment, but that's only till the end of 30 days. And I think also I will bring us in for a landing on the question of love, because love is not a physical thing. It's a spiritual thing. But how would you define love? And again, if you are a happy warrior, please go to the discussion session section on the We Happy Warriors.com website and let me know what you think the definition of love is and be aware that I will ask you, no matter what you answer, I will ask you to distinguish it from lust. And I get it, yeah, I mean, I understand there's love without lust, and there's certainly lust without love. But when I when I say I love you to a woman. How is that different from me saying, Oh, I love roast turkey. Now that's not really for the welfare of the turkey. It's pretty much for my satisfaction. And when a man says to a woman, I love you. Oh, I love her. How is that different? Exactly? I think you're going to find that defining Love is a lot harder than you might think. Again, for those of you who are interested in in my thought process and how ancient Jewish wisdom tackles this. It's very significant that the very first time love is used. Is Genesis. Chapter 22 God says to Abraham, take the Son whom you love. So love applies to the relationship between Abraham and Isaac. And then in verse 24 now chapter 24 Genesis, Jacob loved Joseph. So it's interesting, the first two uses of love are not erotic love, not between a man and a woman, between a but between a father and a son. And then later on, chapter 37 in chapter 37 we have meant you remember I mentioned Isaac earlier on. Isaac marries Rebecca and gives birth to Jacob and Esau. I hope I gave the name. I've got a horrible feeling I didn't say Rebecca before.
Daniel Lapin 39:08
Anyway, just to make clear, Abraham married Sarah Isaac married Rebecca and Jacob married Leah and Rachel. When, when Isaac married Rebecca shortly after he lost his mother. It says he was comforted by being married to his wife, and it says he loved her and and that's really the first time we see it in the context of a man and a woman, so please give me your best shot at love and next podcast, next show, or maybe the one after that, I will read out the best definitions of it the. That come closest to it, and will probe it as well. So again, become a - make sure you're a member of the happy warrior community. Go on to we happy warriors.com and go to the show and where the comments are to the show. Put in your definition of what love is lot harder than you, trust me, it's a lot harder than you think it is, and it's a worthwhile challenge, because we all consider love to be an essential part of our lives. Not saying you can't live without it. I'm saying you can't live without friends, but I'm not saying you can't live without love. Many people, sadly, do, but love enhances life in so many ways. So what is it? What does it actually mean? I'm a newly arrived immigrant from Outer Mongolia. I have no idea what this word l, o, v, e actually means. Could you tell me? I'll be fascinated. The website Rabbi Daniel lapin.com, and you are, of course, able to connect with us over there, Rabbi Daniel lapin.com you can also take a look at soul connection there and the we happy warriors again, if you are a member of the we happy warriors community, you already have access to the special parts of the we happywarrior.com site, and we're communicating there, as we usually do, that's ladies and gentlemen, dear happy warriors, as far as I'm able to go for today, but I hope that this was an uplifting and more than interesting, enlightening show. That's what I aim for. That is my job to reveal how the world really works, and I think we've done a little bit of that today. I hope so at least. So until next week, I want to wish you a journey onwards and upwards in developing your five F's, your family, your finances, your faith, your fitness and your friendships. I'm Rabbi. Daniel Lapin, God bless you.
