TRANSCRIPT
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The Rabbi Daniel Lapin Podcast
Episode: Separation: The Strange Secret of Marital Togetherness
Date: 04/26/24 Length: 1:09:42
Daniel Lapin
Greetings, happy warriors, and welcome to the Rabbi Daniel Lapin show where I, your rabbi, reveal how the world order rarely works. And I'm solemnly dedicated to providing the service for each and every happy warrior. Because knowing how the world really works, makes it a lot easier to have a happy, successful and fulfilling life. And part of that happy and successful and fulfilling life is a question of relationships. And in the heart of relationships, lies the question of male female relationships. It's obviously not an accident, that at the very beginning of the Bible, I mean, in the very first chapter, and then reinforced in the second chapter, we find that one of the most important relationships dealt with really early is the relationship between husband and wife between a man and a woman. And it's only much later in Scripture, in the book of Exodus, and later on in Deuteronomy, that we find details of other relationships, or relationships where one man hires another man to do a job, or relationship, contentious relationships where fights break out. And one of the things that ancient Jewish wisdom stresses is that the entire purpose of the Bible is relationship-obsessed. The whole thing is helping us establish effective and proper and fulfilling relationships. So I thought we should start today, by taking a look at this most fundamental of all relationships. The relationship between a man and a woman who decides to hold hands and make their way through life as partners to make their way through life has mates together, hand in hand. And we'll start off by looking at three paradoxical, and very counterintuitive facts about marriage. And here they are, number one tenure makes for bad relationships. Number two, most relationships or partnerships, do best with a partnership agreement. And number three, most things you get better at with practice in varied circumstances.
Daniel Lapin
So let's go back and look at these three paradoxical and counterintuitive realities about marriage. One is the whole question of tenure. Now, tenure makes for non-productive relationships. tenure is not a good thing. People who work in the post office have tenure, people who work at FedEx do not have tenure. If you work for FedEx, and you don't perform, you get fired. If you work for the post office, and you are found to be dumping the garbage. Excuse me dumping your mail. If you're a mail delivery person, and you dump your mail, hard to think of a more severe infraction of the entire mission of the post office, then dumping the mail and going home. And yet postal workers who have done that have not lost their jobs, suspended, reassigned, disciplined, but not losing their jobs. You underperform at FedEx, you lose your job, you underperform at the Pope, you don't. Because you have tenure, you cannot be fired. University professors. Now, I understand what they claimed we need academic freedom, we have to be sure that we can tell the truth without getting fired by the administration. That was the original idea of tenure, and at the time seemed to make sense. And for a number of years, it worked just fine. But today, it makes no sense at all. Because today, you and I without tax money. And the government paying this money to universities, is actually financing professors who are undermining students' relationships with their families, undermining students' relationships with their faith and undermining students' relationships with their countries. And if you wrinkle your brow and you look at me in puzzlement, as I say These words to you, then you are not following what is going on right now on the American university campus and has been going on for 20 plus years already, the undermining of meaningful relationships. Sometimes, students now reveal that they are university students, by the sheer idiocy of things they say, the sheer foolishness of utterances and beliefs that students have betrays the fact that they are spending too much time on a university campus. And so today, what should happen is many professors should be instantly fired, they should be dismissed right away, for implanting in young and impressionable minds, destructive, damaging, false, bad ideas. But tenure allows them to say anything and retain their jobs. So in general, in general, if if you are bringing somebody aboard as a new hire in your young startup company, the very last thing you want to do is let them know and this is obvious, right? You wouldn't say to a new hire, by the way, I just want you to know now that we've hired you, you got a job for life, no matter what happens, you're never you won't be fired, we want you to be happy, we want you to feel secure, we want you to feel comfortable, you got nothing to worry about. This is your job for life, right? Who in their right minds would do that. Certainly nobody who is going to be in business in a year's time. You don't do that. All of us, I hate to say it, but it's true for all of us, we all work more effectively more diligently more conscientiously more productively when we know that our job is at risk. It's just a reality. Okay. And so I don't care if it's a university professor, or anybody else, the boss's ability to fire you makes for a better performance, it always does. And furthermore, it should be acknowledged that the whole idea of academic freedom is nonsense. The person who pays you your money is your boss, I don't care if you're a university professor, it doesn't matter. I don't care if you're a journalist on a paper. But if the university administration says we do not want you saying these things in the classroom, you better not say them, otherwise, you should be fired. If the editorial office of the newspaper says, We do not want you covering the story. And the reporter says, Well, I have journalistic integrity, well, good, then resign and go and practice it somewhere else. It's really worthwhile remembering that one of the really important ways in which the world rarely works is that the guy or the person who accepts money from somebody else, is somebody who is now working for that other person.
Daniel Lapin
And they are the boss, and you are subservient, there is no way around that that is the reality of the world. And if you save up your money, and become aware of how the world really works, and you eventually see an opportunity, and you start your own business, then the people that you hire and pay will listen to you. But this whole idea that there is a carved-out exception for certain categories of people like university teachers, or journalists, who do not have to listen to their bosses, because they answer to a higher authority. Listen, it's simple, go get the higher authority to pay you okay? But if you accept pay from Tom, then Tom is your boss. And if you don't like what he instructs you, you have a very easy solution. And that is quit your job and hopefully, find a job more to your liking. But there isn't another alternative. This is a reality. And it's really important to know that and understand that whether you are in the role of paying someone else to work for you, you've got to feel confident in making absolutely clear precisely what you want your employee to do and what you don't want him to do and you know what, the employee will feel better also having clarity in that relationship. And, and similarly, people who and look, professors have had a very good run over a number of decades where they really In king of the castle, they could do what they like they had very little work to do, they were paid very well, the perks were outstanding. And they pretty much had what they thought of as academic freedom to say and do and teach exactly as they wished. I have a feeling that those days are now over. And so life in academia is not going to be quite the way it has been up till now. And that's probably even if you're in academia, and you're an honest academician, you might just agree with me when I say, well, it's sort of time it's time for a correction, it's swung too far, in a very destructive direction. So I hope you can see that I've tried to make a fairly clear case that tenure is not a good thing in a relationship. Right? Pretty clear. And yet, what is a man do when he gets married, a man marries a woman puts a ring on her finger, and says, This is forever, I will love you forever, we will marry till death as do pot. Well, that's about as secure a tenure as I've ever heard off. Surely, that's not a good idea. It's not a good idea. In journalism, it's not a good idea in the post office, it's not a good idea in academia, it's not a good idea anywhere to tell somebody, you know what, you're with me forever, you know, you don't have to worry, nothing is going to change it. And yet, that is exactly what marriage is. Now, some people these days have removed the old formula of till death us do part. But conceptually, that's kind of what they're still saying. You know, most people get married, sort of thinking in terms of forever. And the fact that divorce statistics are so appalling, that makes the phrase almost a joke, is neither here nor there, that was still the ideal. And so we have to try and understand, why is it that a rule that works so well, in almost all human relationships, no tenure, your pay and your job depends on your performance. That's how it is. And I go to my work every day knowing full well, that I have to perform, otherwise, I risk my job, that's good. For me, it's good for my employer, it's good all the way around. And yet, when I get married, it's okay for me to say to my wife, you know what, in sickness in health, in good times, whatever it is told death, us do part, you and I are going to be together? What happened to the rule that Tanya isn't good, that needs a little bit of an explanation. And then we're also going to look at the second rule, which is most relationships do well with carefully crafted contracts. And yet, most people get married. And when I say to them, Why did you get married, there's, well, we were in love. Where's the contract? And, and then, of course, the third paradoxical, counterintuitive fact about marriage is that practice makes perfect in almost every field except marriage. And we've got to try and understand that as well.
Daniel Lapin
But before we do that, I want to ask you to subscribe to the show. If you've not done that, please go ahead and hit the subscribe button. That'd be fantastic. And secondly, I also want to recommend that you become part of the happy warrior community by formally becoming a member, join the Happy Warrior community. And you can do that also at RabbiDanielLapin.com. And then finally, being as it is the week of Passover right now, we have a special and the special is a very real and meaningful discount on a resource we provide called the Financial Prosperity Collection. And this is a 10 lesson, roughly 10 hour program, in which I literally hold your hand and walk you through our it's not literal, I'm not literally holding your hand. I metaphorically hold your hand and walk you through the lessons of financial prosperity, the techniques and tips and tools that the people of Israel have used for centuries upon centuries, to do well, in good times and in bad in tyrannical regimes and hospitable societies. Jews have always done this disproportionately well with money. And this audio-visual program, it's a set of 10 videos, is something you can study at your own leisure. You can study with a partner with a friend, you can review it and go over it as many times as you like, because you acquire for your library, the 10 lessons of the Financial Prosperity Collection. And if you follow them, then you will find yourself in exactly the same situation. As many, many, many people who have written to tell me what's happened to their lives, what's happened to their finances? Is money. The most important thing in the world No, of course, dad, as soon as you hear somebody saying that, you know that they're not a thoughtful person. It's not the most important thing in the world, but it's also not irrelevant. And the in the complexity of life, there isn't any one thing you want to say, well, that's the most important thing in the world, you don't unless it's a matter of faith. But ordinarily, money is very important part of it. And the trouble is that many of us fall into the trap of custom and habit, which is we get accustomed to the amount of money we're sort of able to produce and make, and we get used to sort of living with it. You know, occasionally we run up credit cards, eventually, we try and pay them off. You know, we sometimes have a little bit of an extra, and that's very nice. And we may be put it away, or maybe we have a blowout party. But whatever it is, we're sort of, we sort of live where we are. And it's it's a little bit like when the cage door at a circus, remember circuses, they used to have them in the olden times when we were kids, or at a zoo member, we used to have those as well. Sometimes the cage door accidentally swings open, and you think the lion or the tiger would make a dash for freedom, right? They don't, because all living creatures get accustomed to condition. So one of the things right early on in the Financial Prosperity Collection, that I help you do is overcome that huge problem. And realize, hey, the cage door is open, you really can do something about that. Go for it. And as soon as you are able to internalize this idea that you are capable of dramatically increasing your income. And notice I'm not being childish. I'm not saying, oh, you can become a billionaire. If you're No, I'm not saying that I'm saying you can increase significantly over what you're currently doing. Because incremental changes are easy to do. huge leaps are much harder to do. And in this case, the the most challenging thing is the very first step, you know, realizing Wait a second, I'm not condemned to economic mediocrity forever, I don't have to be exactly where I am now. There is no reason for me now to double my earnings. Really no reason that in next 12 months, I shouldn't produce double the amount of money that I produced last year in the last 12 months. And that's that is very important and life-changing and really quite wonderful. Particularly since it's in the context of your five F's. So it's not as if you're going to be imperiling your marriage or losing your friends or, or having no time for faith? Because all your time is going to making money? No, that's not how we work here. And how to how to do that in in a balanced way whilst retaining all the other important dimensions of your life. That is what this is about. So if you go to the website, Rabbi Daniel lapin.com, okay, www Rabbi Daniel lapin.com. 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Daniel Lapin
And let us go back and see what is it that is odd about Marriage. So number one we did was that, although almost every human partnership and relationship works best, when there is the understanding that as long as this works out, well, you're, you're on board, you're with us. If it doesn't, then we have to say goodbye, you know, we can't keep you if you're losing money. And I can't expect my employer to keep me if I'm not delivering more value than I cost. And so why not do the same thing with marriage? You know, be thou my wife, for as long as it makes sense for both of us. And yet, that's not what any man really wants to say. And it's certainly not what any woman really wants to hear. So somehow, lifetime tenure is implicit in a marriage agreement and seems to work better than the other way. Second, second paradox and counterintuitive fact, most relationships or partnerships really do best, with a long and carefully drafted Partnership Agreement, not long for its own sake, but long enough, long enough in the agreement to include all the eventualities that need to be clarified, who decides what in our unified enterprise? How are disagreements going to between us be handled? How is the partnership terminated? What happens if one wants to quit before the other? And all of that is laid out in quite a lengthy contract. And I would never recommend anything different. There was a young man that told me that he was going into partnership with another individual other individual was an older, more experienced person, the younger person was very bright and very innovative. And I could see how it could really be a good deal for them both. And I said to him, Have you both signed a partnership agreement? And he said, we really don't we're very good friends. I trust him. I know, he trusts me. And we just don't need a partnership agreements. And I said to him, are you telling me or are you asking me?
Daniel Lapin
And he was silent for a few moments. And he said, Well, what's the difference? The difference is, if you're telling me, then I keep quiet, and I wish you lots of luck and good fortune. And if you're asking me, then I tell you why you need a partnership agreement. And he thought for me, he said, Now I guess I'm probably telling you said, Okay. And he said, Do you have worries? I said, No, I don't have worries, I just I have an awareness of what's probably going to happen. And he smiled, and he said, Well, you probably haven't seen us interact, we really have a very good relationship. Ladies and gentlemen, happy warriors. All I don't have to tell you what happened. And it happened remarkably quickly. In less than two years. That relationship fell apart. They were no longer partners, and they were no longer even friends. Yeah, partnership agreement is very important. And I'm not saying that it's let's say you don't trust the other person. But you're gonna go into business with him because you're going to have a good partnership agreement. Don't even dream of that. No, forget that idea. And so yeah, as you can see, I'm pretty clearly in favor of partnership agreements. Yet, here in this most consequential of all partnerships. A man and his wife, couples into marriage, which with very little in the way of marriage agreement. Paradoxically, agreements that specify the terms of termination, something we call a prenup, that actually seems to hurt the marriage. That's crazy. Wouldn't you have thought it works differently? Surely, an agreement should be helpful, but it isn't. So that's another curious paradox of marriage. A third 1/3 and final one because this is the three paradoxes. Most things you get better at with practice in varied circumstances. Think of airline pilots. They start off training in two seater Cessna trainer aircraft, and then they graduate to a larger single engine plane and then they graduate to a twin end Champlain. And each time they get rated to the new level, they get a twin engine rating on their license. And little by little they work up, that by the time they have their commercial licenses, and they are certified to fly large airliners. They've typically flown, I don't know, at least a dozen different types of airplane. So surely, before you get married, before you're flying an airline, surely you should practice living with a lot of different people. So you get to know yourself, and you get to know what you need. And you get to know what sort of person you like. Surely you should practice living with a number of different people before marrying one person. It's got to be a help, right?
Daniel Lapin
Paradoxically, the more people you live with before you get married, the less the likelihood of a successful long term marriage. Isn't that weird? That's not arguable, by the way, the literature is absolutely reliable on this. There are not there are no disagreeing studies, everybody agrees, the more partners you've had before you get married, the more difficult it is, for that marriage to be a happy, successful, long term marriage. I know, that's rough in this day and age where that is, for many people more than norm than the exception. I do understand that. But I've often thought about this question of whether I should tell you of how the world really works, or whether I should tell you about, well, kind of how the world has settled into working in the current time. And I decided you don't really need me for that. Because you can look around and get a pretty good idea yourself, of how things are. But what you probably do not necessarily have is an understanding of how the world really works. Sometimes that does mean it is too late for you. And that breaks my heart. I feel so sad when that happens. One of the saddest things I hear from people, and they come up to me at speeches or appearances. And people say, after I've taught something in the speech, where were you when I was 20 years old? You know, why couldn't I've heard these things? Before I got married? Why couldn't I've heard these things? before? I did whatever I did. Yeah, look, I, I understand. And I wish it were different. But all I can say is that even if it's too late for you, at least now, understanding how the world really works, is better than not. First of all, there are very often restorative protocols that you can practice, whether it's in your business or your marriage or in your family. Very often, there are strategies you can employ, that can begin to put the marriage or the enterprise or the family on to a more correct path. So it's, it is better to know than not to know.
Daniel Lapin
And finally, there are bound to be younger people than you in your orbit, whom you can help enormously whom you can influence and who the trajectory of whose lives you can help shape by letting them know a little bit about how the world really works. So remember, the three paradoxes because we'll still be trying to resolve them. The first one is that surely it will be better at a wedding for the husband and wife instead of vows? Maybe what they should say to each other. You know what, as long as you try hard, I'll stick around. And the other thing as long as you try and hard I'll stick around. This marriage will be together for as long as it makes sense for as long as we both derive more benefit than pain from the marriage. Okay. And this way, we know we'll both try really, really hard, none of us will become complacent, because doing so will risk the marriage just as way just the way a complacent employee at FedEx risks his employment.
Daniel Lapin
Number two, where's the long partnership agreement? I mean, really, would you marry me? Yes, I do. Love to marry you. Oh, wonderful, we get married. Great. Where's the partnership agreement? Where's all the the agreements on how resolutions will happen and how fights will take place and how disagreements will be resolved and how contentious decisions will be reached? Like, how's all that kind of work? And how is it that so many successful marriages that you know, have and I know of that never ever made such an agreement, and yet, the marriage has worked beautifully? How does that happen? Because no ordinary partnership without an agreement can possibly work. And lastly, we get better with very practice or almost everything. So surely, before your son gets ready to go married, you should get married, you should tell him Listen, the first thing you need to do is have a lot of relationships. Because that way, you'll get a sense of, you know, what different women are like, and you'll know what sort of woman you want to marry. And you can say to your daughter, listen, you really need to be out there and get to know a lot of guys intimately, because that'll prepare you for marriage, because you'll have so much more experience. Right? And yet, you know, intuitively that that doesn't work. And if you don't, there's enough literature available on the internet of reliable reliable statistics on this, it doesn't work. So marriage is very different from other family based male female relationships. Think Padme. Think father, daughter. Think mother, son, think brothers sister. That's it. Right? Mother, son, father, daughter, brother, sister. Now the interesting thing is that distance does not hinder any of those relationships. I can live in another continent from my sister. We're still brother and sister. I can live far away from my mother might. My father's daughter can live farther or far away from him. It's still the relationship. The distance does not hinder those relationships. But marriage requires proximity.
Daniel Lapin
That's a uniqueness of this male-female relationship. Anytime a couple tells me we have a bicoastal marriage, he lives on the West Coast. She lives on the East Coast. And every two weeks we get together in Omaha. No, that's, that's not a marriage. And it's not going to be a marriage at all for very long limit, you know, short period of time, yes, with an agreement that can work. But don't count on that as a marital model. So now we move on to an understanding of any central secret of successful marriage. Some of you if you are regular on the Rabbi Daniel Lapin show, you might remember an earlier show. It was the second last show of 2023. It was in December of 2023. And it was about how marriage is about sharing a bank account and a bed. That's right, dealing with physical intimacy. It is a challenge to understand. A male and a female have a man and a wife have a relationship that is quite different from a brother-sister relationship or a Mother-Son or a father-daughter. It has an aspect of physical intimacy, which is at the heart of so much of the storm and tension in marriage. So often, where couples come in, and they're having a challenging time. And one of the very first questions that any competent marriage counselor asks is not wanting to pry but I do need to know whether the physical relationship is satisfactory. It's satisfying. It's it's work it works. And usually not because the physical aspect of the relationship has so much to do with making that marriage, and so if it's not there, or if something isn't working That's no surprise. And so throughout literature and you know, the tension within a novel so often revolves around sex, you know, great novels Anna Karenina, I've just been rereading that you the tension builds page by page, while you are trying to figure out whether Anna is going to make a bad mistake or not. And the bad mistake involves another man's bed. So it's, it's always been a challenging thing to understand. And indeed, a lot of a lot of literature is devoted to sort of trying to make sense to try and explain this enigma of what is the magic and mystery of this physical relationship between a man and a woman? Is it good or bad? To start with? Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Well, on the one hand, how can the source of life possibly be bad? But then on the other hand, how can the source of such great sensual pleasure be good? Surely sensual pleasure is more of a lower level human functioning. So you've got a problem here, I don't see how sex can be good. But I don't see how can possibly be bad. So what is it?
Daniel Lapin
And interestingly enough, in ancient Jewish wisdom, and the way the world really works, sex is rarely holy. That's right. It's holy. Now, like anything holy, it can be abused, because things that are holy are very powerful, powerful, holy things are invariably powerful. And if a powerful thing is abused, or used incorrectly, or misused, it can cause terrible damage. And so it is with the holiness of sex. if used correctly, it's an immensely powerful and good thing. And if used incorrectly, it can destroy a society. So what makes it an even bigger problem than that? Is that for physical intimacy to work, it needs a man and a woman collaborating with each other, each of them focused on bringing joy to the other person. And yet, each one relates to intimacy in an entirely different way. In a in a bizarre sort of way, I really do understand the appeal of homosexuality. I really do understand living with somebody who relates to sex exactly the way I do. I get it. But it's not a way to grow. It's not a way to become a bigger and better person. Because I'm not being expanded in any way. Nothing is being demanded of me. That doesn't come naturally to me. So for that reason, I am going to be talking about normal sex between a man and a woman. And the problem is that they look at things differently. Now. Bear with me here, because you're going to be saying to yourself - duh, of course they're different. And yes, of course they are. But let's just clarify what it is I'm talking about. Let's see a thought experiment that would reveal just in what way men and women view physical intimacy entirely differently. So here's the thought experiment, a woman approaches, shall we say, 100 men. And let's say that she is a nice-looking woman and she only approaches nice looking men. And look so all we know at this point, and she says to each of the 100 men, will you come home with me and spend the night making love with me? How many out of the 100 men are gonna say yes. Well, because statistics is very seldom absolute. I'm not gonna say 100 Even though I think it will be 100. But I'm going to say you know, 98 of the 100 men are going to say yes, let's say the other two are married and virtuous and good men. You know that right? The woman who comes with that proposition to 100, guys, 98 guys eagerly said yes, pick me. Now, how about the other way around? Nice looking guy approaches 100 women on the street excuse me, I'm taking a survey. Would you come home with me and spend the night making love with me? And now out of the 100? Women? I'm not gonna say 100 Say no, even though I believe they would. But let's say 98 of the women will say absolutely not. Or they'll slap his face. So they'll keep on walking. But why your rabbi asks you, in this day and age, with nearly all risk removed? What's the problem? Why would 98 out of 100 women say no, we're 98 out of 100? Men say yes. And so in order to provide an answer that works for us here in the show right now, a simple, straightforward answer. It is that for women, relationship is paramount, and must precede intimacy. For men. Intimacy needs very little in the way of prerequisites. prereqs. Right. And so with this huge difference between men and women, we now take a man and we take a woman, marry them to one another. How on earth is it supposed to work? How can it?
Daniel Lapin
And I have to respond and answer, the only way I know how, which is how the world really works. And I provide that not because I am a genius. And I provide that not because I have lived so many years that I know all the answers. Now, I know how the world really works. Because of a 3000-year longitudinal experiment of the Jewish people were a core component of the Jewish people have remained true and faithful to the words of the Bible, and to the teachings of ancient Jewish wisdom. And I draw on that. Now, for many of you who are listening, and I know that many of you who are listening, have no relationship with faith with the Bible with God, and that's fine. And so for you, I don't expect you to hear what I'm saying, or to take to heart anything I say, because it comes from ancient Jewsish wisdom, or because it comes from the Bible. Now, I get that to you, that's completely irrelevant. So to you, I say, forget where this comes from. It's irrelevant. If it came from a psychology textbook, or if it came from experience, it doesn't matter. All you should do is evaluate on the basis of your own life experience, how accurate and applicable the information is, that's all you should do. And if you arrive, the conclusion that I'm talking through my hat, and that there's nothing here of any truth or authenticity for you then dismiss it. If on the other end, which I think is probably more likely, you will say wait a second, and I never thought of it. That's very interesting. That might be true, I got a test that I got to try that out. That would be very positive indeed. So for those of you who are interested, I will provide the source. And for those of you who are not just ignore the source, and focus on the conclusion. The source is a biblical book called Song of Songs, written by King Solomon himself. And it describes a romance between a man and a woman leading all the way up to consummation of the relationship. And the book is essentially a metaphor for the relationship between man and God. And the idea is to try and convey the almost sensual longing that lies at the heart of man's yearning for God. And so since most men have a deep and intuitive and intrinsic understanding of sexual yearning, so they're able to transfer that concept to understand to that love of God is as urgent and as compelling. Okay, it's a big theological discussion not for now. But one of the things we do learn from that book is that the morality of sex is not in question. It is a holy element of marriage. It requires no shame and no embarrassment and no awkwardness. It is part of how God built us. And it is part of how God intends for us to relate to one another. But now I ask you listen to a phrase, which occurs four times in Song of Songs. It occurs three times in chapter four. And one time in chapter five, here's the phrase, are you ready? My sister, my bride. And the man refers to the woman it addresses the woman four times, my sister, my bride, what does this mean? Now remember my thought experiment of a few minutes ago, men and women relate to physical intimacy quite differently. The woman wants a relationship to exist, separate from the physical intimacy and from the passion. The man is basically fine with that coming later, or not at all. That relationship that most women want before physical intimacy is meaningful, is a spiritual relationship. It is the spiritual relationship that a man might have with his sister. shared memories, concern for one another love for the family that more than both. But it is entirely a spiritual relationship. It's it's an emotional connection between a brother and a sister. And there is no physical dimension to it at all. And they may not even be in the same city or the same country or the same continent. They're still brother and sister, they still love one another. The physical relationship a man might have with his bride is a physical bond that unites them. So the biblical blueprint of a marriage is captured in those words, my sister, my bride, a key to the marriage is for both man and woman to understand that the relationship is both a brother-sister relationship and a bride-groom relationship.
Daniel Lapin
What am I talking about? Just bear with me for another minute or two in your habit down clear. You see, most men assume that there is no pain or hurt or sadness that men feel that cannot be cured by touch by physical intimacy. Because for us, guys, that is largely true. No matter what pain or sadness a man suffers. When his wife surrenders herself to him, he is miraculously good. That's how it happens most of the time. So naturally, men assume that it's true the other way around as well. When his bride is feeling sad and unhappy and hurt, it is the most natural thing for a man to assume that taking her to bed will solve everything that as it does for him. But of course it does not. She needs a relationship at that point. And relationship means talking, not touching, perhaps an arm around the shoulder or a hug, but no erotic overtones. At this moment, she needs a brother, someone who can make her feel better with words. But of course, hubby has had almost no practice in this and is more or less clueless. So what is a practical solution that you can use in your marriage. And for that, we need to visit another Bible passage. However, before looking at that verse, I must first explain to you that not all words can be cross-culturally translated. There are many words in the Inuit language for snow. And not all of them can be translated because English only has basically a word or two, snow powder in the context of skiing, but we don't have a lot of words for snow. And it's like that in many, many languages and translations are very hard to add. accurately translate German or Russian into English, because there are certain aspects of the of both German, German and Russian, that do not easily transfer over to English. Well, Hebrew is like that as well. And there is a word in Hebrew, the Hebrew word is tamei. And here is how it is translated in most Bibles, it's translated as impure, or unclean. And though both of those are appalling translations, they're not true at all. The word does not mean unclean, it doesn't mean impure. The word tamei really means and there is no word for an English, it means a subconscious, but overwhelming awareness of death. And the reason that this features so much in Hebrew, but not in English, is because Hebrew acknowledges how much of a role spiritual realities play in the happiness and success of a human being. And right there at the heart of much mental disorder, at the heart of much anxiety, and at the heart of much depression, lies an inability to relate correctly to the idea of death. And, you know, you think about it, it, on the one hand, it can fill you with a sense, you know, if you just if you obsess incorrectly about death, no matter how young or old you are, you can become filled with a deep and dark sense of the futility of everything, the hopelessness of it, I mean, after all, look how it's gonna end. And it really can, if you don't have the correct spiritual techniques for dealing with it, it can be very debilitating. And on the other hand, it also has the ability to be to cause people to behave destructively in another way, where people say, hey, you know what, eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow, we die. So okay, we only go round once, and you live very self destructively and destructively towards other people as well. Because you think, well, I've got to get in as much as I can of sensual experience.
Daniel Lapin
So you see the problem. So there is, throughout Scripture, there are ways of dealing with this quality, this destructive awareness of death called tamei. And it's really important things to understand, because a colossal challenge to successful living is dealing with death. And, and so that is something that we have to understand. And what it has to do with the subject at hand, is that if a man emits semen, it doesn't have anywhere near the same meaning as when a woman emits a seed. And that is because a man seemingly has limitless numbers of seed. And so there's no suggestion in his mind, there's no even subconscious thought that losing one is an insurable loss. But it's not like that with women. With women, there's a fixed number of seeds. And every time one of them leaves the body, along with the prepared lining of the uterus, and departs from the by the way, in a politically correct nomenclature in America today, I shouldn't actually say when a woman menstruates or when a woman has a period, I should say when a menstruating person has their period. And, you know, I don't know what to say about that right now. But I do not deal with how the world is as much as how the world actually really works and how it should be. And so, I'm explaining that there is a miniature awareness of death every time a seed leaves a woman. Because, you know, many, many women love babies, many women love being pregnant. Many women love having babies. Because it's an affirmation of life. It's the most happy making thing you can imagine. Actually, men can't even imagine it. But when a seed leaves the woman's body through a natural monthly process, it can't help believing a sensitive woman feeling a little down, because it was like a little mini-death. And since part of the way of effectively dealing with the problems that an overwhelming subconscious awareness of death can cause is to keep life and death as separate as possible. This is one of the reasons that you are strongly discouraged from practicing seances, practicing spiritualism, trying to talk to the dead. Because the key thing for being able to live effectively in spite of the inevitability, ultimately of death, and is to keep life and death separate from one another. And so what is the most life-affirming act in which a man or woman can engage in I don't have to tell you that the it is obvious when a man and a woman enjoy physical intimacy, there is no more life-affirming action they can do first of all, they both feel that they both come away from that uplifted and energized and positive. And, and that is the affirmation of life. And then, in addition to that, of course, is the idea that Yes, life could be created. Maybe it was maybe it wasn't. But this is the avenue of life. It's thrilling and exciting and wonderful. And obviously, when you realize that the the monthly release of the seed and its nutrients, and its support system, that is a little mini death. And the action of physical intimacy is life-affirming, those two shouldn't go together. And when they do, it's called tamei. And so now I can tell you that and I'll just go through this quickly, Leviticus chapter 15, verse 19, it speaks about when a woman has a discharge being blood from her body, she shall remain separate from her husband for seven days. Touching her is impure. And I'm giving you that dreadful dreadful translation. The Hebrew uses the word tamei, which you now have a much better understanding of. Let's jump to Leviticus chapter 18, verse 19, Do not come near a woman during her menstrual period of impurity, now of tamei to uncover her nakedness in hours for erotic purposes. And Leviticus 20 Verse 18, a very similar idea. And so three times this has said that for seven days, starting with the beginning of the menstrual period, a couple should not sleep together. That's what is written clearly in these three different chapters in Leviticus 15, 18, and 20.
Daniel Lapin
Okay, so what's going on here? Well, what's going on here, my dear friends and good happy warriors, is that every month, you clueless guys, I should say, We clueless guys are given a training session of learning to communicate with our mouths, not with our hands and bodies. That's right. For this period, once a month, you do not husband or wife do not touch each other. Not simple, not easy, but like anything valuable. It's not easy. And like anything not easy, it's valuable. So I know that initially, the sounds shocking. And I know that initially, most of the married men listening are gonna say, No way. No way. Come on, that is impossible. Nobody can do that. But I want to tell you that if your wife is listening Also, inside deep inside her, there's a little voice. And you know what it's saying? Oh, how nice. Now, do you understand the language of my sister, my bride that for a short period of time every month, she's your sister. And then the rest of the month, she's your bride. But here's the best part. You see, everybody remembers their honeymoon. Because everybody remembers first times very strongly. I remember as if it's yesterday, although it's many years ago, I remember as if it was yesterday. The first time I was able to fly a small airplane by myself solo nobody else aboard. After 15 or 16 hours of instruction. My instructor had me land the plane. Bring it to a stop. He opened the door popped out and said, Go ahead, take it around and do a touch and go by yourself.
Daniel Lapin
I was. So I can feel the feeling now as I tell it to you. And I remember the feeling of doing that circuit and turning on to bass. And looking down at the airfield and realizing my instructors down there, I'm up here alone and turning on to final and getting ready for a landing and going through my checklist. First times are always thrilling and special. And honeymoons are like that as well or should be for many people, unfortunately, they're not here is the secret that nobody could ever know without experiencing it or without having a toll to them. And that is that when a husband and wife separate from one another, for a short period of time, I know it feels like a very long period of time, obviously. But it isn't in reality. And when they then do come together, it is the most special date night. Because it really does bring alive the honeymoon again, it makes it feel like the first time ever. And so it's really rather a remarkably effective marriage tool. It brings to life, my sister, my bride, it gives a man a training session every month of becoming more and more capable of speaking to his wife, not just touching or performing for her know, it's touch speaking, that is the fundamental tool of communication. That is the fundamental tool of connection. Yes. And that is what a man gets to do once a month. And that recreates the unity, which is is very difficult to bring about by itself. It's very difficult.
Daniel Lapin
Because after a couple of years of marriage, ask yourself, How do you banish the tedium of familiarity? How do you recover that original euphoria? It's not at all easy. But this is how it's done. And so it is possible that all the tension inherent in a relationship of physical intimacy, a man dealing with the reality of the commitment that this act produces whether he likes it or not. And, and men realize this, you know, they do realize it because I it's something I've experimented with lots and lots of guys, a guy who is not who has been dating a woman for a few weeks and wants to end it usually has no trouble ending it. And I'm talking about a good guy, a decent guy, I'm not talking about a louse or a cat. But a good decent guy says to go, you know, I It's been lovely meeting you, you're a great person, if I just don't feel it's right for me. So I want to wish you well, and, and I hope everything goes wonderfully for you. And that's the end of the story. You know, when it gets hard. If they've had a relationship, if during the dating time they've had physical intimacy, it becomes very hard for him to say it. You know why? Because he realizes that the act itself creates a permanent bond. And that makes it very hard because he feels like he's a taker. He established a bond. It wasn't with words, it was with an eye. He didn't say till death do us part. But that is what the act of physical intimacy says loud and clear. And so there's a tension in the relationship. Because that is being said, regardless of whether the man's mouth is saying it. And then on her part, in a sense, she has to come to terms with, if I may call it invasion, a takeover. And these are difficult things. Again, the excitement in the euphoria allows one to push them to the side. But there they are real. And that helps us I think begin to understand at least the first of our paradoxes and counterintuitive facts. Tenure makes for bad relationships. Yeah, that's true. But in marriage tenure is crucial. You know why? Because the ACT conveys permanence See, and we're sharing a bed and a bank account and sharing that bed creates a mood of permanency.
Daniel Lapin
And that's why she wants to say, Will you love me forever today she feels awkward and uncomfortable saying it. But she wants to say, is this forever. And on a certain level, he deep down can relate to that as well. Because on its most deepest level, he does not ever want any other man to know this woman as he does. He wants exclusivity. He also wants it forever. And so foreverness is built in. And so attempting to create a relationship based on performance, well, innately, it's a contradiction that can't possibly work. So that's number one. Number two, most relationships or partnerships do best with a long and carefully drafted Partnership Agreement true, but not marriage. Whereas there certainly should be many things discussed, it's not enough to say we're in love, let's get married. Of course, they should talk about things in advance. But if the marriage is in the framework of a traditional matrix, well, then it becomes a lot easier, because there are certain you know, they are called gender roles, and they are attacked by secular culture. But gender roles are actually really, really important. Because they tell a man what is expected of him and a woman. But it's more difficult for the man. And thirdly, most things get better with practice in varied circumstances. So tell your son, hey, live with a lot of women before you pick one to marry. Or tell your daughter the same thing. No, that doesn't work. This is one of those situations, this kind of relationship is very different. This relationship is based on exclusivity. It's based on exclusivity and permanence. And indeed, for many people, unfortunately, the way the culture is today, many people have no idea of the ecstasy that comes from developing a long-term relationship with just one person. Most people haven't had that experience. But the reality is, you want to know how the world really works. Best shot at a wonderful marriage, where neither man nor woman has had any previous relationships, and that they commit to one another, permanently forever. And that they have a relationship where she is his sister and his bride. Because there are times where he has to be able to talk to her, not touch her. And that brings the lasting happiness. That is the ecstasy of a successful marriage. So ladies and gentlemen, happy warriors, each and every one of you. Thank you for being with us for this show. Thank you for sharing this and this show particularly might be something quite useful, particularly if there are younger people in your orbit who need a little bit of a new way of looking at reality, before they make indelible mistakes that will result in them saying to me after many years, why didn't you tell me this? When I was 22? Yep, that's what I'm trying to do here. That's what I'm trying to make sure enables these ideas to spread widely for everybody. So thank you very much for being part of the show. Become a happy warrior at Rabbi Daniel lapin.com. Get yourself a set of the financial prosperity collection. And do be in touch on the on the we happy warriors website do be in touch. Let me know your thoughts. And tell me how you relate to this particular show on the rabbi Daniel Lapin podcast. Thanks so much and I wish you a wonderful week of growth. With your five F's, please make it a week in which you progress positively with your family, with your finances, with your friendships, with your fitness, and yes also with your faith. I'm Rabbi Daniel Lapin. God bless.
