TRANSCRIPT
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The Rabbi Daniel Lapin Podcast
Episode: Something Happened. Now Should He Trust Her? Should She Trust Him?
Date: 11/24/23 Length: 1:26:58
Daniel Lapin 0:00
Greetings, happy warriors. And thank you so much for being part of the Rabbi Daniel Lapin show, I greatly appreciate the opportunity to spend a little time together with you, and discuss those things that really matter. Because the more that things change, the more we need to depend on those things that never change. And so, here we are focusing on some of those things that never change, in spite of the fact that at the time, I'm recording this turbulent maelstroms, swirl around the foundations of our worldview. On October the seventh 2023, the world changed in in ways similar to how it changed on the 11th of September 2001. And the way it changed on September the first 1939. And so this show is going to be about those things that never change. And one of the things that never changes is everybody's desire to live a good life. And what's more, to make it possible for our children to live a good life. And should we be ever so fortunate, our grandchildren, as well. And so it's worthwhile actually spending a few minutes on what constitutes a good life? How do we get it? And how do we convey it to children? What should you use as your compass, in trying to decide how to make the decisions that crop up every day? Decisions, many of which will actually impact the direction of your life? What do we use as, as a guide for that? It's not at all simple, you know, some people will say, just do the things that make you happy. But the trouble with that is that we human beings are created in such a way that we become increasingly happier with whatever it is that we're doing. Anybody who has tried to acquire or banish a habit, tried to get a good habit or get rid of a bad one, you know, that the more you do something, the more comfortable you are doing it. And this is one of the reasons that more often than not, when I ask people who have had successful careers in various fields, from anything from brain surgery, to carpentry, to plumbing, to bookkeeping, to social work to running a garbage company. And I often ask people, if you had to do it again, would you choose a different occupation. And overwhelmingly, I want to say 99% of the time for people who did not jump from activity to activity or from job to job or from field to field, but people who devoted the major part of their working lives to serving their fellow human beings in a particular way. Those people all say, I wouldn't have it any other way, I'd be exactly the same thing. I've wanted to do the same kind of work. Isn't that odd? Wouldn't you have thought that it should be 50/50 half of people should be satisfied half people should say no, I want to do something completely different. It's very, very few people. Because the more time and energy you devote to becoming competent at something and becoming a real professional at that thing, and the more your reputation grows, among people who know you and like you and trust you, the happier you are with what you do. And so, saying that, you know, imagine saying to your child, well, you know, I'm your parent, I want to teach you how to have a good life and, and it's not true. I know you're only Three years old, but it's not too early to begin. And you said, humans do the things that make you happy? Well, you know that if your child takes you at your word, you're well on your way to creating nothing short of a monster. Children intuitively do whatever makes them happy. The trouble is, it doesn't always make their parents happy. That's not a very good avenue to follow.
Daniel Lapin 5:27
And so, you might also say, Okay, fine. Have a good life, I want you to have a good life. And remember, always do the right thing. And you brush yourself off and you feel well, I've done I've done a really fine job there. I've, I've taught my child or maybe it's somebody you mentoring. Maybe it's a person younger than you, you're guiding. Maybe somebody asked for your advice, you know, how, why should I seek a good life? And you answer and you say, Well, you always just do the right thing. I hate to break, too, but you've not been very useful at all. Why? Well, because, look, if I were to say to you walk 50 yards north from here, you know exactly what to do. There is no confusion. I know. And you know, and I can predict if you follow my instructions, I can predict exactly the point that you would you will arrive at when you followed my instructions. But how about if I'd say something like, go to your right. 30 paces? Well, that's very difficult to know. Because, right meaning facing which direction? What does that mean? Right? And maybe it's not your right, maybe it's my right? Or maybe it's -- right doesn't mean anything. And so it doesn't work. Walk, you know, walk to the left, who's left? What is that supposed to mean? Do the Right Thing. Who's right thing? Don't steal? Well, is that always true? What about the classic case they asked divinity students at Harvard Divinity School, you know what to do if your child desperately needs a medicine, there's only one bottle of it left in town. And the unscrupulous pharmacist says you can have it for $1,000. And I don't have $1,000. I know yesterday, that bottle of medicine cost 30 cents, says yeah, but now I raised the price. What do you do? Well, you steal it that night, you go and steal it. And then the next day you present yourself to the law enforcement authorities and say, Hey, I'm the guy who broke into the pharmacy last night, and I stole a bottle of medicine. And the judge will say, can we find out how much it's worth and the witnesses say 30 cents, and the pharmacist says, Oh, it's $1,000 judge says, Could you bring any proof that the sells for $1,000? Does anybody have you seen anyone pay $1,000 for it, pharmacists has nothing to say and the judge then goes ahead and fines you $5 for the for the for the theft, you must repair the damage, pay the 30 cents and that's how you handle that. So it turns out that there are times where the right thing to do is to steal.
Daniel Lapin 8:27
Or how about to do the right thing never tell a lie. You know, a Hamas terrorist shows up at your house where you are hiding me and he says got any juice here. It's okay to lie in not only okay you should lie because lying is not an absolute the matrix of morality is so vast and complex that everything has to be contextualized it's not that simple. Somebody you happen to know some private information about somebody's life. And the third person comes to say I believe that you know and without going into what it might be I you know this or that about that person and I'd like you to tell it to me because you know, your job depends on you telling me I'm your employer and you don't want to betray the confidence you do not want to share it and to say mind your own business will cost you your job. You're allowed to lie and say you know you're mistaken. I simply do not know it. I've absolutely no idea what you're talking about. Yes, which you have to do. So I know these are troubling ideas, particularly for for those of us who would prefer a black and white clear, straightforward thing, you may never lie, you may never tell an untruth, you may never steal. In general, those are good policies. But you see, if you say to somebody, if you want to live a good life, just always do the right thing. That phrase "do the right thing" is meaningless. If you do not follow it up with a modifier, explaining what moral matrix you mean, do the right thing, according to Sharia law, follow Allah's will. Right. Now, a person familiar with that moral matrix would know exactly what you want him to do. Do the right thing, according to what? According to the biblical values of the Holy Scripture. Okay, if I now know what you mean, do the right thing according to the laws of the United States of America, not so simple because those laws change. And what's more, there is even a tendency to modify that law in the interests of superior values. And so we all know of cases where the law and justice has been perverted in the interests of being kind to a poor person, in the interests of compassion, in the interests of preventing racism. You can't you can't count on that. So to tell somebody who is eager to live a good life, do the right thing. doesn't really work very well.
Daniel Lapin 11:56
So you know, what are you going to say? Do the right thing, okay, I know not do the right thing. I you want to live a good life? Yes, I want to live a good life. What should I do? Well, I can't tell you to never lie constantly. marry for love. That sounds good. But not really. There's there's a there's a lot wrong with that as well. Stay healthy. Well, staying healthy. Obviously, everyone should try and stay healthy. But we don't always know what the best things to do in order to stay healthy. Or in other words, what six hours a day working out in a gymnasium would that be a good piece of advice for for any ordinary person? I'm not sure not necessarily. Find work, doing what you love. Not not very good advice for living the good life. So essentially, the bottom line is that living the good life is not that simple. Knowing how to do it, and trying to reduce the rules to one or two slogans for sure doesn't work. Now, I have to answer that question. Obviously, it's a very important question I posed. And I have to answer and I have to give you the mechanisms for how to live a good life. And you can see, that is why this makes this particular episode of The Rabbi Daniel Lapin show, really, really important. World War Two, it was a long time ago. And so why do I often bring examples from World War Two? If I want to bring an example from a war could not bring an example from the Korean War, or the Vietnam War, or the Gulf War, or the 1903 triumphant invasion of Grenada? Or the 2023 Hamas Gaza war? There are a lot of wars I could bring. But here's what's interesting about the world. First of all, World War Two was a World War. Never before or since has a conflict ranged across such a wide pot of the Earth's surface. Never before or since has a conflict involved so many different nations, and never before or since have that many people died in a conflict. And finally, in no subsequent conflict Have the issues of right and wrong, been quite so clearly delineated as perhaps, the war currently raging the time I prepare this show in Gaza.
Daniel Lapin 15:18
But in terms of a massive conflict, World War Two is really very interesting. And when Germany attacked France, in May of 1940, they swept through all frauds in about six weeks. It's amazing. They it. France, you may not know, France had a significantly larger army than Germany did. France possessed many, many more artillery pieces, many more tanks, and many more airplanes than Germany did. And what's more, France was protected by an absolutely impenetrable line of fortresses between France and Germany, called the Maginot Line. And so, if, on the last day of August 1940, somebody would have said to us, France, Germany is going to make an attack on France tomorrow. Germany is going to start off attacking Poland, then it's gonna go to how well do you think they'll do against France? It would have been perfectly legitimate and quite plausible. For smart, Knowledgeable, Wise, intelligent people, not wise, just intelligent. Wise people would have seen the flaw and I'll tell you why. But it would have been plausible for us to have said, Germany attacking France, what a disaster they're gonna be wiped out, they're gonna be put in their place. This will be the last time Germany will ever try attacking anybody Oh, boy, is France gonna give them a thrashing? That would have been a logical thing to say. One more thing, France had about 60% More railway lines and more rolling stock in the form of locomotives and carriages and so on for the transport of troops and ammunition and fuel and so on. So a bigger army, more tanks, more guns, more airplanes, and more railways. How can Germany win? But they did. And they won very, very, very quickly. It's, it's extraordinary. What happened is that Oh, one other thing. Not only that France have this extraordinarily strong military force. And it was arranged that way, in with the closing of World War 120 years earlier. France was determined to be the strongest country on the continent. But you see, there was present in France as well, what was known as the British Expeditionary Force, Britain sent most of its army 300,000. Little over 300,000 men in order to help defend France because once Germany attacked Poland, in September 1939, it was very clear that they were going to keep going. And so in order to stop the Germans, Britain sent over a huge army. And so in addition to this mighty French army, you've also got the British Expeditionary Force there, as well. And so what happens? The Germany conquers France, as I said, in about six weeks, and they sweep across France. crapping the British Expeditionary Force trapping Britain's basically their entire army.
Daniel Lapin 19:25
And the Army backs off and backs off and backs off the British Expeditionary Force until finally, they have the English Channel, the waters of the channel behind them, and the German army coming through France in front of them. And at that point, they were holed up on the beach in a little Belgium town called Dunkirk, which where they'd fled. And that was when Britain asked for every single person who had a boat, any boat there was caper. Well, of navigating the 21 miles across the English Channel between Dover and Dunkirk to go over and try and rescue as many soldiers as you can 156 100. And that's exactly what was done. And 300,000 soldiers were literally taken off the beach of Dunkirk. Now they left behind all their equipment, which was a disaster, because England needed all that stuff very soon, and they didn't have it. Now, what is the explanation? For how it is that an inferior force, inferior in men, materials, transport equipment, ammunition, inferior beats a superior force in six weeks? Six weeks is nothing? Well, the answer in a nutshell, is near perfect organization, administration and execution on the part of the Germans and on the part of the French chaos. That's that is the answer. And in spite of the fact that Germany had far less of what have everything you need to make war, they had far less. But they did have meticulous planning, meticulous and super diligent execution. It's true that German tanks were outnumbered by the French. But German tanks were controlled and commanded from a central command by radio. Yes, German tanks were not as big or as fast or as powerful as French tanks. But they were equipped with radio and German military headquarters, coordinated tank assaults in a way that turned the French defending tanks, well into nothing, but mincemeat. Because by being able to focus their fury in carefully coordinated assaults, they went through French defenses, like a hot knife, cutting through cannon barrel cheese. Look, it's it's impossible to overestimate the effectiveness of German military organization. I'm pretty sure in my own mind, that that has a lot to do with why BMWs and Mercedes-Benz cars are far more reliable than Peugeots and Citreons. It's it's a national characteristic that the Germans have possessed for a long time. And they used it to very, very good effect in World War Two. Why didn't they win the whole war? Because Hitler put ideology instead of military victory. And he had supreme power. And so things began to fall apart. And the military commanders, German military commanders began to lose faith in their own judgment and gain confidence in Adolf Hitler's judgment. Because when he told them to march into the Rhineland, well, before World War Two broke out, they were sure that the French whom they knew possessed a superior military machine, they, they were sure the French would rise up and throw them out to force them to adhere to the terms of the Versailles Treaty. Nothing doing Hitler said they'll do nothing. And Hitler was right. And Hitler decided to assault the Sadat and land in Czechoslovakia. And his military people told him the allies aren't gonna stand for it. They did. Hitler decided to take Austria before that. And the military forces said you can't do it. The British and the French will not stand by this. They will stop it and they didn't. Hitler was right. And so when it came to invade aiding Russia, which was a disaster, the first disaster for the Nazis. Hitler said we launched this operation against the Russians in June 1941. And they went with it.
Daniel Lapin 25:19
But as far as beating France, it was a system. And I want you to imagine what happens, what happens when and I'm, I'm imagining this, but when a German, shall we say, a platoon commander. And it's now time to attack France. And this German platoon commander probably knows that he has to get his men to a specific location at a specific time. And he receives his directions from command. And his directions are, go to this railway station, and get on the next train. And that's going to take you to a certain place, get off the train with your men marched three hours to this hill and get ready for your attack. Balloon command that goes to the railway station with his men train arrives, they get on it, it takes him to where they're supposed to go, they get off it. And then they match the requisite number of hours, they get to the hill. And guess what they'll find that at the hill, fuel, and ammunition and food, everything's already been put there, because another part of the German military has had the responsibility of making sure the supplies are in the right place at the right time. And so sure enough, they move ahead. Now, imagine a similar leader at on the French side. And what happens to him. He arrives and he's told, the Germans are coming, you need to get to a railway station, catch that train and go along. And well, the French platoon leader goes along to the railway station when he gets there. He's told that no, they didn't mean this railway station, this railway station the rail tracks have been bombed. And so there are no trains coming here. You have to go to another station. So he marches his men to another station, and they wait and a train arrives and it's not the right train. And then another train arrives. And it's not finally the third train comes they get on. And when it lets them off, it's not in the right place. And when they reach the hill they're supposed to defend. They expected to find ammunition and fuel and food. None of it is there. It's no wonder that the Germans steamrollered over the French defenses in May of 1940. I didn't even have to imagine that. That's exactly what happened. Played out 1000 times throughout the battlefield in France. Oh, you want to know what happened to the fortresses that were built both the machina line that the Germans bypassed it, instead of going from Germany to France, they took a roundabout tour, they went through Holland and Belgium first and then they went into France. And that way they bypass the fortresses. They used to say in the 19th century, that the Royal Navy, which when you think about it was responsible for building the world's biggest Empire, the British Empire and defending it. They used to say it was a system designed by geniuses to be operated by idiots. Well, I don't know about idiots, because I think idiots can destroy even a well-designed system.
Daniel Lapin 28:43
But there's something to that idea that when you've built a system, in operates, this is part of building a business as well, isn't it? When you when you are trying to change a one man show into a business, you create systems. So it's not everything has to be done from scratch. And anybody can do it once the system has been created, and it's been written up, you give the instructions to the next person you hire, and they're able to do it. Building Systems is crucial. And another thing that's crucial, is that I want to ask you to please go ahead and hit subscribe. I'd love it if you'd subscribe to the show on whatever, whatever platform it doesn't matter. Just to go ahead and become a subscriber that helps you and it helps us we very much appreciate that. And it makes you part of the Rabbi Daniel Lapin show. It makes you closer to becoming a happy warrior and talking and becoming a happy warrior. Sure, you should do that as well. You just go to RabbiDaniellapin.com and right there on the homepage. In the menu you'll see How to join and be a happy warrior. And something else I want to draw to your attention is The Holistic You is a brand new book that Susan and I have completed. And it's just become available, The Holistic You. And it's exactly what we're talking about. It's integrating your family finances, faith, friendships, and fitness. These constitute the system of your life. So become a subscriber, become a happy warrior, become part of our community of happy warriors, and make sure that you have a roadmap to Systemising your life, it's called The Holistic You, you do need it
Daniel Lapin 31:00
you need it because your life is a very, very important system. It is. And it's not a simple system. It's important system. And it's a complicated system. It is made up of five main focal points. None of them are more important than the other. I can't even give them to in a list in the sense that I always will say, here are your five zones, number one, number two, number three, number four, number five, because I, often change the order, the order doesn't matter. Because none is more important than any of the other four, you need all of these five zones. It's exactly like any system. If Germany would have had this great radio command system of their tanks, but no railways. No, they had to have railways as well. And they had to have a way of supplying fuel and food. And they had to have a way of training men. A system has many components. That's the whole point. Me by myself, I'm not a system. But with a lot of parts of it. And here's the thing, we all thrive better within systems, even a society a country, a government is the system. And anybody who has had the misfortune of having to live through a civil war or, or through a time of civic chaos and anarchy. We all know that. Being able to have any kind of a system, a system of government, a system of justice, an economic system that works, but all of these are systems, and they're very complicated, and quite delicate, also, frighteningly fragile, in fact, easy to destroy a system, hard to build it, and hard to maintain it. And so, here we are, with our lives, maintaining a system, a system made up of the five critical features in our life, and integrating these things, making sure they all interact with one another. And they all interact correctly with me. That is how you build a good life. That's what we're talking about building a good life. And they are family, finances, faith, friendships, and fitness. Or if you like, they are fitness and faith, and friendships, and finance and family. Or if you like their family and friendships and fitness and finance and faith, the order doesn't matter. But they all five do matter a great deal. Now, today, again, The Holistic You gives you the whole story. This is the roadmap you need but to give you a little bit of flavor, and to perhaps even help you in some current matter you are confronting in your life. We're going to take a look at one aspect of the connection between family and finance. We're gonna do that by taking a look.
Daniel Lapin 34:52
Not at an Ask the Rabbi, but an Ask Jane really out tell you about it. But first of all, first of all, let's just make sure that we all understand what I mean, when we talk about family as one of the critical five F's. Family, isn't just how you relate to your siblings. It incorporates absolutely everything to do with a family, with having a family, making a family, it's sibling relationships. It's child-raising. It's defining a family. It's physical intimacy between a man and a woman. And it's, it's about questions like, Is that physical intimacy, seen primarily as a means of procreation? Or is it a means of experiencing the ultimate sensual pleasure available to humans, men and women? Or is it both? Is it both all the time, depending on what? So male-female relationships, the very act that builds a family, and all of this is appropriate with Thanksgiving, which is close now to the time I prepared this show for you. Because it's when American families gather for Thanksgiving is an ode not only to the splendid idea of giving thanks to God, on a regular basis, but it's also an ode to what creates a family. And we can't forget that, that when we sit down to that Thanksgiving meal, and we share the gathering with cousins, and relatives, and uncles, and all that all comes about, because of the magic that can happen between a man and a woman. And that magic, that if all goes reasonably well produces this incredible life-enhancing thing that we call a family. So family is all of that. And finance. It's equally vast, a topic, finance, finances, everything to do with your money. Finance is all the relationships with people with whom you have transactions that produce your money, the acquisition of skills and experiences that enable you to serve God's other children. And that make them then enrich you voluntarily in return. That is, what finances so when I speak about the necessity of integrating your life and making all one, family and finance, friendships and fitness and faith, all five F's integrating, you have to know that when we speak about family and finance, we're speaking about two vast areas. It's everything having to do with family, and it's everything having to do with money. That is all part of it.
Daniel Lapin 38:46
Now, the Ask Jane - not Ask the Rabbi - Ask Jane is something I saw in a British newspaper and I try and look at papers from around the world. I look at a number of British papers. I look at German newspapers. I look at papers from Asia, China, particularly. I mean, you have to write because if you're going to have a sense of how things are happening, right, that will influence what you do in your financial life and maybe even your family life. You know that when, when Hitler invaded Poland at the beginning of September 1939, within only a few days, he was in Warsaw, one of the biggest Jewish communities in Europe at the time. And as you can imagine, life changed dramatically, painfully for a large number of Jews living in Warsaw. But not all of them because you know what? Quite a lot of them left Warsaw in the months preceding September 1939. Because they studied very carefully what was happening in the world. Many of them read Hitler's book mine Kampf, which had been written years earlier. And they believed him.
Daniel Lapin 40:23
Yeah. And so many of them knew what to do. So protecting your family and your finances is a lot easier when you number one, understand how the world that's right really works. And number two, when you know what's going on in the world. So one of the newspapers I read is The London the Daily Mail of England. And periodically, they have a column in there that is answered by the resident answer of questions. And she goes by the name, Jane. And so I'd like to read to you a question that caught my attention. And I'm also going to read to the onset. And while I'm doing this, please think to yourself, treat this as an exercise. Think to yourself, how you would answer the man asking this question. What do you think would be the wisest course of action for him to undertake? I will tell you now already that Jane was wrong. And she's often right on things. But in this case, she was playing simple wrong. Here's the question.
Daniel Lapin 41:52
The guy doesn't give his name, he signs himself, Distrust Fund. And he writes: My wife and I have always lived a somewhat humble life. I work for a nonprofit, and she is a teacher. So our combined income is not really enough to allow us to live the high life. There have been some challenges along the way, moments where we really thought we weren't going to make rent, times when we lived off cans of soup, or Kraft mac and cheese, and a lot of nights in home, because we couldn't afford to go out to nice bars with friends. Through everything, we've been a unit, we've definitely had our moments. But we've also supported each other really well. I think in those hard times. I've gone to my parents a couple of times for help when things have been really bad. And even though they don't have a huge amount of money. They've been kind enough to help whenever they can. But I'm sick and tired of living paycheck to paycheck. So I've been looking for other jobs. I love my current role. But I feel it's time for me to do something that will allow me to give my wife and our future family the life they deserve. So imagine my shock when I was opening mail the other day, and I stumbled across some paperwork that revealed my wife has been sitting on a trust fund worth more than 450,000 pounds. You could substitute dollars, it's close enough. My eyes nearly fell out of my head. She never said anything to me. I knew that she'd had a really bad relationship with her parents growing up. So much so that she hadn't spoken to either of them in years when they passed away. But how on earth has she been hiding this from me? I'm so angry and upset with her. Don't get me wrong. I don't think it's her job to provide for the two of us. But there have been times when this money could have quite literally saved us from homelessness. And she's never said anything about it. I've been desperately looking for a new job. And still, she's been silent. I know I need to talk to her about it. But I truly have no idea where to start. Deep down. I hope there's a good reason she's been hiding this money. But then so many other possibilities run through my head. And I get so frustrated that I cannot even look at her. She knows something is up. It's been days now. But I haven't been able to bring myself to start that conversation because I just don't know where to begin. Any ideas? from Distrust Fund.
Daniel Lapin 44:57
And Jane responds as follows? Have you had a chance to think about it? What would you say to him? Dear Distrust Fund, money can be the source of so much discontent. Editorial note, lack of money can be a source of even more discontent. Money can be the source of so much discontent, as you are now discovering. And I can only imagine how you must be feeling given how you've had to ask your parents for help, and have been recently looking for other jobs to supplement your income. I don't know why your wife has been keeping this trust fund a secret. But she does. There could be any number of reasons why she has chosen not to share this information and this money with you. But until you tell her that you know, and reveal how you feel about all the things you have done to keep the two of you afloat when you could have helped, when she could have helped, you will not be able to guess no get over your frustration. It is always lack of communication that gets in the way of an otherwise good relationship. In this case, you can begin by telling her that you discovered the trust fund, and that you feel betrayed and ignored and alienated at her not sharing this information with you. Whatever her reason for withholding, ask her to be honest with you. Transparency is the only way the two of you can move forward. And whatever transgressions either of you might have made an open conversation in which you can both hear the other is the way through this difficult conversation. I wish you well, Jane.
Daniel Lapin 46:43
Okay. I'm, I'm going to first of all tell you some of the things that were important clues in this man's letter. And then I'm going to give you an answer, which is quite different from Jane's answer. It's an answer that comes from The Holistic You. It's an answer that is derived from an integrated life. It's derived from ancient Jewish wisdom. And it's laying out the details of how to live a good life. Well, first of all, a couple of things in the guy's letter. And it's worthwhile being alert to subtleties. Whenever you're talking to people, or whether you're reading. ancient Jewish wisdom says that one of the reasons that we were given two ears and one mouth is could have been one here and one mouth, right? Could have had an ear in the middle of the forehead mouth just below it. No, there is a hidden spiritual message to do twice as much listening as we do talking. So we're not going to listen carefully to this man's letter. Jane, my wife and I've always lived a somewhat humble life. Humble was an interesting choice of words there. I paid attention to that. I work for a nonprofit, and she's a teacher. My ears perked up at hearing working for a nonprofit. So our combined income isn't really enough to now to allow us to live the high life. Not everyone, you don't have to live the high life but sounds like you weren't even able to adequately live the low life if we continue reading. There have been some challenges along the way. Moments when we really thought we weren't going to make rent, times when we lived off cans of soup or Kraft mac and cheese. And a lot of nights in because we couldn't afford to go out and ice balls with friends. I'm paying attention. The aspiration of being able to go to nice bars with friends, I don't know. And a humble wife when he said we weren't able to live the high life not being able to make rent and times when we lived off Kansas soup. Through everything we've been a unit. This sounds to my ear a little bit. I won't say desperate, but a little bit of He's telling himself. He's not talking to Jane now. He's telling himself we got a good marriage. We're a unit. We're one. We've definitely had our moments. I bet you have. But we've also supported each other really well. I think in these hard times. I know that you feel supported really well. But I wonder if your wife the teacher feels equally well supported. I'm sharing with you the thoughts going through my mind as I'm reading his letter. I've gone to my parents a couple of times for help. Okay, that's a B. That's a B. If you're a married man, you shouldn't be having to go to your parents for help. You have friends? Couldn't you have gone to friends for help? Or is the friends you didn't go to bars drinking with? I, you may think I'm being harsh here. But bear with me still? Am I being harsh? I think I'm being accurate, as I think you'll see. When he says he's gone to his parents a few times for help. And they've helped by the way, that just tells me that he's still a boy, not a man. And I think that's the crux of what's going on here. He's a boy, not a man. But I'm sick and tired of living paycheck to paycheck. Well, you've you've been doing that for a while, apparently. So I've been looking for other jobs.
Daniel Lapin 51:19
You don't have to look for other jobs. That tells me he's not serious. You might think I'm reading a lot into just one s making a plural. But you look for another job. You focus on a job, you don't look at, you're looking at jobs means you read through the the ads on a website that has a whole lot of jobs. That's not serious. That's not looking for a job. So now you find a job. Now he's not seriously looking for a job, because he's managing somebody who's taking care of him, his parents, and his wife, the teacher. I love my current role. Oh, that tells it all. I'm not saying that nonprofits have no place and nobody should ever work for a nonprofit. But many nonprofits simply do not pay market rate for labor. There's a reason for that. Sometimes they're having trouble raising money. Sometimes they they realize that there are people willing to work for less than market rate for the role of being, oh, wait a sec, that's the word he used. I love my current role. So this is a guy whose ego is being flattered by whatever he's doing in this nonprofit. He's finding satisfaction in it. And so he's putting his pleasure and internal satisfaction ahead of his responsibility as a man to support his wife. And our future family, he says, so they don't have children yet. I guess that's why he wants to go out drinking with his friends in bars. But again, boys shouldn't have children, only men should have the privilege of having children. imagine my shock when I was opening mail the other day and stumbled across some paperwork that revealed my wife has been sitting on a trust fund with worth more than 250,000 pounds, putting in 50,000 pounds a lot of money. He stumbled across it. Yeah, think what you will about that stumbled across this information. My eyes nearly fell out of my head. She never said anything to me. I knew she had a bad relation with a parent growing up. She hasn't spoken to them in many years. But how on earth has she been hiding this from me? The juxtaposition of ideas in that paragraph is very interesting. And not directly relevant to what we're talking about. So I'll leave it for now. But his eyes fell out of his head was the first idea. She never said anything to me. Second idea. Third idea is how bad a relationship with a parent is, and finally closes up with how has she been hiding this? There's not a flow of ideas in that paragraph. But anyway, I'm so angry and upset with her. That's also a boyish response, isn't it? Childish? doesn't know anything yet. But he's angry and upset. Don't get me wrong. I don't think it's her job to provide for the two of us. But that's exactly what she's doing, isn't it? It's clear that she as a teacher is providing certainly if not a fair share maybe the lion's share of what they need. This money could have quite literally truly saved us from homelessness No, literally means they actually were homeless, but he always got money to pay the rent from his parents. So they never were literally homeless. They might have literally been close to not being able to pay the rent, but that's not being literally homeless. So he says this money could have saved us from being homeless, they weren't homeless. And she's never said anything about it. I've been desperately looking for a new job. Okay, now here he's started focusing because you can hear him the emotion and intensity that is coming into this paragraph. I know I need to talk to her about it, I truly have no idea where to start. That's one of the characteristics of being a boy an inability to communicate directly. It's pretty clear no idea where to start. Dear, I have got something to tell you. I was going through mail, including some that had your name on it today. And guess what I saw. And I want to talk to you about it. But it's hard for boys to embark on awkward conversations. I know I need to talk to her. But I have no idea where to start deep down. I hope there's a good reason. Deep down. I hope there's good reason she's been hiding this money. But then so many other possibilities were under my head. And I get frustrated that I can't even look at her. She knows something is up. It's been days now that I haven't been able to bring myself to start that conversation because I just don't know where to begin.
Daniel Lapin 56:41
Okay. I obviously read his letter very differently from the way Jane did. Jane feels that Mrs. is doing something wrong, clearly. Because she feels that I don't know why your wife has been keeping this trust fund secret. The tone there is crazy. Why should she have been doing that? And, and I don't have to take apart her letter. It's wrong. It's just the advice is wrong. My advice is you have to go to her and have that open conversation. Okay, what is the right response? What is the right answer? If I, if he was sitting here, in my office, talking with me and asked me that question, what I would say to him is exactly what I've already said, I would have said, it's time to grow up and be a man. It's a shame that you didn't do this before you got married. Because your wife has already decided that you're a boy, not a man. You want to know why she's not telling you about the money. Because she believes you'll fritter it away. She believes she's going to end up in fights with you, you're going to be asking for some of that money to spend. And she's not going to want to give it to you. That's why she's not giving it to you. That's why she's not telling you about it. She's seen, she's watched the pattern. You don't solve the problem, you're gonna ask your parents, and you're always looking for new jobs, sometimes for a new job. But you're not serious about it. Because you really enjoy your role at the nonprofit. And the fact is you kind of managing, not in the way you'd like. But it would be more painful to become a man and start taking care of your responsibilities. And so she's not telling you for a very good reason. Because she knows you're going to ask for it. And she's you're going to ask you will come only this month, this will be just I've got it, we got to get 2000 pounds this month. She knows how this is gonna go and where she got it or whether it's a reminder of whatever it is. She isn't ready to let it vanish. You know why? Because you may think that you are Oh, are you that we're one we're together. I guarantee you she doesn't feel the same way at all. And I will tell you something else. She is already seriously thinking of ending the marriage before they are children. She's thinking of that already. And that's another reason she's not telling you it's it's so clear. I hope you can see it as clearly as I can. And so what is my advice to you, sir? My advice to you sir is Don't you dare say anything to her. Put those papers back on the table as inconspicuously as possible. And don't say a word to her. Because you have no right to this information. Knowing about it, discovering it was a warning. It's telling you how you look in her eyes. Because if you really were a unit, if this truly was a marriage, where you were playing the role of the husband, and she was the wife, she had come to you the very first day and said, darling, you're not gonna believe what's happened, how lives have changed? Look, what I've got. She didn't do that. Because as I pointed out earlier, when you said, we're a unit, you were trying to persuade yourself with that, because deep in your heart, you know,
Daniel Lapin 1:00:50
she doesn't trust you, you know, she doesn't trust you financially, which is a disaster for a marriage. And I'll explain why in just a moment. And so my advice, if you think you can handle it, if you can't, you might as well end it already. But neither way. I mean, heavens, I just thought of off community property, I don't even know how this would work in the United States of America, I certainly don't know how it would be, it would be a state matter. And I don't know how it would work in, in the United Kingdom. But I was just gonna say, either way, you're not getting your hands on that money. Either the marriage is coming to an end, or she's keeping it for her rainy day. But I may be wrong on that. I hate to say this, but it's possible that in a divorce, that might become community property, I have absolutely no idea. But I do know that something. So you do need to talk to a lawyer about that. Regardless, if you want to make this marriage work, quit the nonprofit, and get a job. And initially, it may be a job for even less than you're making the nonprofit and take a second job, work nights and weekends, and go to her and say darling, we're turning a new turning onto a new page in our marriage, things are going to be different now. And I'm not just saying that, I'm showing that to you. Because I haven't been pulling my weight in this marriage, too much is dependent on you keeping your job. No wonder we don't have children, yet. You don't feel secure enough to have children, obviously. And that's all my fault. And so we're going to fix that. And within the next 12 months, I'm gonna get to a point where if you want to quit work, you can do it. And I will be able to support us and our future children. That is the only advice to give to this guy. Now, can he do it? Can a boy turn into a man? Well, over the course of years, most, nah not most, many do. most? No. There's plenty 40-year-old boys roaming around the United States of America plenty. Do you know any 40-year-old boys where you live? I bet you do. You may even have some in your family. No, not every boy turns into a man. And this boy certainly hasn't turned into a man can he do that? I don't know him well enough to know that. But I doubt it. There is in the back of my mind, a nagging doubt that he is so self-indulgent. And so narcissist, and I forget that I'm not going to use that word. That's a pop psychology word these days everybody's narcissistic. Forget that. But this is a guy who's very, very self-centered very, very full of himself. And so what is happening here? Well, here is an interesting study. This was done in Sweden. And it was done with enough respondents. And it's been replicated enough that I feel it's interesting and worthy of mention. What is the study say? It says something which probably shouldn't be an enormous shock to you certainly wasn't to me. Wasn't a surprise at all. What the study shows and it's interesting, I can't even imagine what made them even embark on that study. But it's fascinating. When women win a big lottery prize to vote, divorce follows very often. When a man in a marriage wins a lottery prize, the marriage gets strengthened. They love each other more. If I can use that romantic sentimental terminology, isn't that something? You hear what I'm saying? That when a woman in a marriage wins a lottery, divorce follows more often. When the man does, that doesn't happen. Now, I've told you we're talking about finances and family, or if you like, we're talking about money and marriage. What's going on here? Well, even as I mentioned many times, even very feminist-leaning advisors tell young women, well, if the man doesn't pay for a date, particularly the first one, get rid of him, is his no good. Why, after 60 years of sexually egalitarianism, after feminism, why it shouldn't be that way. I mean, why let them split it? Because they all know that money and sex go hand in hand, they are very strongly connected. And I've said this before, in a very important show from a couple of years ago, a very important show right here at the Rabbi Daniel Lapin show, I said, advice to young women, if it has to be one or the other, marry for money, not for love. Because money tells you much more about the man than the fact that he says I love you. A man's money says a lot about him. In the same way that this man who wrote to the Daily Mail and asked Jane a question. I know a lot about him simply by his handling of the money, I get it, I understand it. And men has a few dollars when he proposes to a woman or courts, a woman. A man who has a job is already a man who makes enough money to live on and to support a wife on that tells me a lot. It tells me how useful is being to his fellow human beings to all the other children of God. That's an important thing. It tells me he has relationships with other people. Otherwise, nobody would trust him enough to do business with him. It tells me that he has a sense of service, it means that he is not self-centered entirely. Because he realizes that he makes a living he earns money by serving other human beings. So he's probably become diligent and effective at serving other human beings that's valuable. Now money tells me a great deal. And it should tell a woman as well. You can tell this woman is worried and why I say that she is thinking of getting out of this marriage. That's the reason. We also know other facts today, we know that marriages in which the woman the wife outearns the man significantly, those marriages do not last. And so that's just another variation on the idea of the wife has more money than the husband. But that's not the sort of marriage as women look for. Women look for marriages in which the man has more money than they do. And many men, particularly in some of the men's movements out there today, dismiss that, oh, she's a gold deal she's interested in is my money. I'm proud if if a woman I'm dating, is interested in my money, I'm proud of that. It's a good thing. For a start, it means she trusts me to be able to provide for our future family. That's a good thing. Of course, she should be interested in it. She should be interested to know how I earn it what I do, she should be very interested in it.
Daniel Lapin 1:09:24
And similarly, if I don't have a job and I'm not making money, and she doesn't want to go out with me, I I shouldn't insult her. I should compliment her on her intelligence. She's very wise, intelligent and wise. Not the same thing. By the way. There's two separate things. But yes, of course, a girl should be very interested in a man's financial situation. Absolutely. And it is deeply embedded. Yes, you know people dismiss Oh, it's hypergamy Yeah, it is hypergamy women correctly do seek a man who is of higher status. And what that boils down to is has more money, or has the ability to produce and create more money. Perfectly natural, perfectly normal makes all the sense in the world. And it is deeply rooted in the relationship. There is another study this one, this one goes back, this one goes back to 2009. And I was interested in this one, because it initially came out of the University of Newcastle, which is near where I lived when I was a student in England for a number of years. And so I know, it caught my eye. But it's since been replicated in a number of different other countries as well. And I'll just read you the first few lines of the report. Money cannot buy you love, but it can lead to better sex. scientists say a controversial study claims that women find lovemaking more fulfilling if her partner is wealthy. And the finding adds to the existing evidence that for most women, money, status and success remain a key ingredient in sexual attraction. So it's not just sexual attraction and sexual fulfillment. It's everything. It's really an integral part of the male-female relationships. There's no getting away from that. And so yes, it's It should all be getting to be fairly clear, I think. And I I mean, that's why Jane's on strapping I mean, I thought it was absolutely incorrect him completely wrong. And, and we have a good idea and I think of what it really is and and what the correct. Advice for this man is tough going. But yes, men rather hear the truth. Boys like being massaged with warm butter. And I've often I've often said to people have consulted with me or people I'm coaching. I have the number one top-rated steps for you to now take. But I don't know if you're able to do it. And if you can't, we're gonna determine you can't and then we're going to move to the second best. Because if you cannot follow the best advice in the second advice, second best advice becomes the best advice. Obviously, boys cannot handle tough truths. Men can handle tough truths. And women have been badly conditioned over the last 50 years. And they've been trained to distrust their feminine instincts. Everything that is feminine, and a woman wants a man who will protect her, defend her and take care of her.
Daniel Lapin 1:13:27
Now silly girls who have been indoctrinated by 50 years of feminist propaganda, say foolish aphorisms, like women don't need men any more than fish need bicycles. That's one of the silly ones funny but silly. And women are conditioned to believe that they can do everything that a man can do. And they're conditioned by a deteriorating set of social circumstances that indeed, make it seem that way. But when Hamas break through the fence, that is a way of more politely saying when something hits the fan, when Hamas breaks through the fence, although obviously, women put up a brave fight, in the final analysis, when any normal woman wants is a guy with a gun. When Hamas breaks through the fence, and Hamas can break through the fence, not just in Gaza, in the south of Israel, Hamas can break through the fence in London and New York, and in Los Angeles and San Francisco and in Denver and Chicago. And in Paris, and in Malmo, in Sweden, and in Stockholm and in in Copenhagen in Denmark. Farmers can break through the fence and God forbid If that ever happens, ladies, you're going to discover something. And that is women need a man really badly. But that's not to say that they need a man any more than a man needs a woman. That's also equally true. You know, when they say, women have to learn, they can't have everything, you've got to either have a career or a family, or the women's all women can have it all. It's it's all you know. I mean, I don't need to tell you these things. You're a happy warrior, after all, and you know, all of this stuff. But truth is, a woman can't have it all. And you know what, neither can a man. But coming together, in the magic of marriage, when a man marries a woman, and the two of them, dedicate themselves to one another, and to the children, they will raise, you have a family, and a family can have it all. It's as simple as that. It's so true. But it's not something that everybody understands today. Women, particularly have been damaged by the culture. Masculinity has been also damaged by the culture. But femininity has suffered very badly. And women have been conditioned not to trust what every feminine instinct in their body yearns for and calls for. And that is to have a man between you and the world. Almost every woman is their aberrations. I'm not going to issue the usual caveat. Of course, there are exceptions. I'm speaking generally, I'm sorry. Every woman deep, deep down yearns to be able to build a nest, knowing that there is a man defending it, protecting it and providing for it. It's as simple as that. It's also one of the reasons that women seek out men who are taller than they are. Now, I know what you're saying, if you haven't heard much of my many of my shows, because oh, well, the men are taller than women. I know all that. As a matter of fact, we have incredibly accurate statistics in the United States of America, we pretty much know the height of over 300 million people or perhaps a little less, because every single time you go to the doctor, remember what they do. That's right, they take your height, they measure your heart, and it gets listed. And so we know what the averages are, we know what the means are, we know all of the details. And we therefore are able to show that many, many, many, many more couples have a taller man than would be accounted for by random matching. The only explanation is women choose taller men or men choose shorter women or both. Those are the only answers. And I don't know which it is, but it's one of those. And it's most likely women choose taller men. You know why? Because they want to look up to the man in every possible way. You know why? Because if the man is bigger than you are, there's a pretty good chance he can defend you when commerce breaks through the fence. In the final analysis, worst case scenario, you really want a big guy around you not a teensy weensy little guy. You want a guy who's bigger than you. That's a good indicator. And that's really what this is all about. damage done to masculinity I've spoken about the secularism feminized, as people say feminism is feminized as men and feminism masculinized as women, the secular cascade the secular steamroller that has grabbed Western civilization, down this Baleful, destructive path
Daniel Lapin 1:19:12
of reducing all of the human experience, to materialism, to chemistry and biology and physics, and reducing the magic of marriage to the biology of sex. It's done huge damage to women and huge damage to men. Look, men have even also in terms of not listening to themselves, not hearing their own instincts. Deep down inside of every man. He wants to be his woman's only men. Now of course, again 50 years of distraction has persuaded men as oh I would want to marry a virgin I want to marry a girl who's had some extent not too many. To match. And that's why many, many, many dating relationships are damaged or destroyed. Because the man can't help himself from asking his girlfriend, what her number is, I don't have to be more specific, because he is horrified by nightmare scenarios of her with another man can't stand it. You know why? Because the way God created this wonderful world of hours, the way family and finance connect, is that the act of physical intimacy between a man and a woman actually creates a marriage. Yes, that's what it is. And that's why she feels heartbroken when he never calls back or does certainly doesn't call back the next day or two days or three days. Because he's figured out he and his buddies, from listening to the men's world movement advice. Oh, you mustn't call it too quickly. She'll show it'll seem you're too eager. And meanwhile, her heart is breaking, because she feels married to him to call out the off draw, they spent the night together last night? Of course she is. And he feels quite different because he's been conditioned. This is the kind of damage. And the more we remember I said earlier, we begin to increasingly feel happy about the things we do happy with our lifestyle. That's a big disaster. Because living in a certain fashion should make a man say, this is terrible. This is a disaster. It should make a woman say, I'm destroying my life. This is not the road to a good life. No. And so people become propagandized by the culture. It's that effective. What other people do what influential people tell you, parents abdicating their role when you were small. And so all of these things that you should have known when you were 13 years old? And you don't know you don't find out? Ideally, and this again, I mean, I don't have to cite studies on this.
Daniel Lapin 1:22:26
There are studies and there are no studies contradicting what I'm about to say. But you don't even need a study because you just use your head based on what you know, based on the fact that yes, it is true that the more relationships individuals have had, the less durable and stable is their marriage. The more relationships they've had, the less happy is the marriage. Do you know how many men they are walking around good men are men who are hardworking, and who support their family, who deep in their hearts say other men enjoyed my wife's wild years. And I now just have as a wife and a mother. Yeah. And ladies. You don't know how deeply tormented men are, by that thought you haven't a clue, because you're not a man. But guys know what I'm talking about. And so the road to a good life, integrating faith and family friendships, finance and fitness, the road to a good life. Yeah. Knowing these details. And that's why we make it available in the book the holistic you, so that you can really get into the nitty-gritty. And if you're a little further down the road of life already, that doesn't mean it's all over. It doesn't mean you throw it doesn't mean these are fatal mistakes from which you can never recover. Just as this guy who wrote a letter to Jane at the Daily Mail, if he is capable of turning over and transforming into a man and they always to help him do that associating with other men and and having a good coach. And there are ways to do this. He can turn it around. Right now he's headed for a train wreck. I am certain that whether if he doesn't make any major changes, whether he speaks to his wife about the trust fund or he keeps quiet as I recommend, it's going to be very difficult to hold this marriage together if it's even possible, but it wouldn't be possible if he knew what he was doing. And somebody was helping him and guiding him. And so it is that even in a mature marriage, even in a A marriage that that has seen a few years, there are things that can be done by both the woman and the man, both the husband and the wife right now that can transform the rest of your lives. These are really, really important things. But you won't find them on the pages of The Daily Mail. Right? That's, that's not gonna happen. So please, if there's any, any sort of one little lesson that comes out of this, other than that, I wrote the holistic view with my wife for you. But it is that listen to your instincts a little bit. You are a woman. Allow your female and feminine instincts to be heard. Don't say to yourself, oh, this sounds like 1950s Because in many areas, they were right. And don't say to yourself, oh, this is primitive. And I'm a modern person. Don't do that. And, and a man, listen to your inner voice. There's a little bit of you left. That still remembers even if you weren't alive in the 1950s. But there's a little party that yearns to be a man. And you need to hear that as well. So ladies and gentlemen, happy warriors. Thank you for spending this time with me. Thank you for spreading the word. Thank you for subscribing and thank you for being part of the happy warrior community and helping other people to gain access to the rabbi Daniel Lapin show, where until next week, I wish you growth and progress onwards and upwards with your family and your finances, your faith, your fitness and your friendships. God bless.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
