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The Rabbi Daniel Lapin Podcast
Episode: Should You Be Free To Be Your Authentic Self?
Date: 08/26/22 Length: 57:34
Daniel Lapin 0:00
Welcome to the rabbi Daniel Lapin show where I, your rabbi reveal how the world really works. Thanks for being part of the show. I greatly appreciate the efforts that so many of you have been making to spread the word about the show and pass it out and have more participants and more listeners and more viewers and more people writing in with questions and ideas and observations. All of that makes everything so much more fascinating for me and involves me more passionately in the work. So thank you very much indeed. I appreciate that. Now, I'm continuing with what we did last week. You might remember that last week, Mrs. Susan Lapin joined us in and we were talking about seven questions to ask yourself as to whether you are in a good relationship. And we discussed the first three last week. Unfortunately, Susan Lapin is down with the COVID. You know, thank God no big deal. It's, it's she's pleased she'll have natural immunity or once this is done and and we're getting through it. What sort of medication are we taking? Are we taking the the new drug that has an X in it? No, we're not. I'll give you a clue as to how we're medicating I'm just going to give you a clue. It's the word Horse. Horse. As in Quadraped, as in the creatures that roam on Assateague Island, on the coast of Maryland and Virginia. That's, that's all I shall say, on the medication. It's working great. And thank God, she seems to be having a light and relatively short affliction of the COVID. I have a lot of Amish friends in the Lancaster area in Pennsylvania and elsewhere. And they also went about it their own way. They they did not shut down their societies that didn't shut their schools that didn't shut their churches. And and they're doing just fine. They had no greater difficulties than anywhere else in the country. In fact, they were a lot better off by a lot of measures. So yeah, look, you get the idea. Enough said.
Daniel Lapin 2:48
So we were talking last week about a psychologist in Portland, Oregon, who listed seven things that you need to check to see if you're in a good relationship. We discussed last week the use of the word relationship as opposed to marriage. And we cover that so do if you haven't seen last week's go back and listen to that. You'll remember the first one our is are the is the person you're with nice and kind and sweet and caring, or are they mean bullies? And we laughed at that? And we said, look, that's not the either or that is a it's a setup, and nobody should fall for that. Then they said, the psychologist said, Do you feel safe and secure enough to be your authentic self.
Daniel Lapin 3:50
And we explained there that there is no such thing as your authentic self. your authentic self is a work in progress as is mine too. I hope the only authentic self exists for a microscopic slice of time. But each and every one of us is changing by the moment. Everything we do, changes us less. Everything we think we do get changed by thought but not as much as by action. When we do things for good or bad we get changed. We either improve or we deteriorate. We become better people or worse people we become better spouses worse spouses, we become better parents, better children, better siblings, or worse in all those categories. And ideally, of course, one of the great satisfactions in life comes from feeling progress, feeling that one is a better person, being able to look at a situation and say you know what, 10 years ago, I used to lose my temper about these kinds of things today. I don't 10 years I used to get angry. You know what, five years Though I could be caused into a depressed down mood by something like this happening, today, I am able to handle it. This is wonderful to be able to feel those developments and those changes. And so obviously to ask yourself, if you can be your authentic self, with the person with whom you are in a relationship.
Daniel Lapin 5:21
And I explained last week, that relationship means marriage. Ladies, if you walk around saying, Well, I'm his girlfriend, you're fooling yourself. That's not a relationship, actually. So there we are. Authentic? Can you be your authentic self, when you're with the other person when you're with your spouse? I hope not. I hope not. I hope that I'm constantly struggling to make my internal self correspond more to my external surfaces, then interesting thing. If if you are told by somebody, listen, I want to give you a blessing that your internal self should resemble your external self, or vice versa. I want to give you this blessing that your external self should resemble your internal self. And you wonder Now, which one is a better blessing, you just have to ask yourself, are you better behaved on the outside or on the inside? And the answer is that inside each and every one of us have thoughts and worthy desires and ambitions and ideas that we would just assume the world doesn't know about. But by the time we have filtered out our instincts and our emotions, to be able to be reflected on the outside, uh, we generally want to project on the outside the best possible version of ourselves that we can be. And so the right blessing is not may or outside resemble your inside. That would be terrible. No, the the right blessing is, may your insight come to resemble your outside? And that's worth thinking about? I think it's, it's, yeah, look, it's real. We're human beings, we all recognize that our hearts are not pure, that deep inside allows inside of ourselves. We we do have thoughts that we we wouldn't wish to have out in public.
Daniel Lapin 7:35
Now as time goes by, of course, our outside begins to become set in certain ways. Some people, not everybody, but some people can read faces very accurately. President Lincoln was reputed to have one said, as that he didn't want to appoint a recommended appointee to his cabinet. He didn't like the man's face. And the man's advocate said to the president, but, Mr. President, a man isn't responsible for his face. And the President said up to the age of 40, maybe not. But after that, he certainly is. Okay.
Daniel Lapin 8:24
Yes, I think that for many people, certain characteristics do begin to be reflected in the face eventually, not for everybody. And not everybody can read that. But it's worth bearing in mind that as the years go by, you do become more and more integrated as a person, you're outside and you're inside, do begin to fall into correspondence. And that also means that appearance wise, we begin to match who we really are. I have spoken in the past about the fact that the being a complaining kind of a person brings on an aged appearance. Now we don't have time today for me to review but you can go back to an earlier podcast I wish I could tell you what data what number but I can't. The but in an earlier podcast, I did explain the details of how that works. But the bottom line is that as you check this out, and see among your circle of acquaintances, you discover this is exactly true. It is beautiful. It really is. People who are sort of negative and pessimistic about life. People who complain people who catch people who when you ask them how things are, their answer is not fantastic. The answer is, yeah, this and that, and grumble...It gets to the point you never want to ask that person how they are because listening to the lamentable catalogue of calamities is it's just So tiring and, and unpleasant, you just don't want to do it anymore. But the advantage of responding fantastically well is number one, people like interacting with you. And number two, yes, it does help keep your expression, it helps to keep your face younger looking, that's a reality. So the idea that I am looking for a relationship where I can be my authentic self, not true at all. Part of the reason I got married is I wanted to be with somebody who would expect the best of me somebody whom I would feel inspired to raise myself for. And, and that's not unusual among men. We look for a woman who is a good woman, we look to marry somebody, a woman who would inspire us to become better people. And vice versa. By the way, same thing is true as well. But the idea that I want to marry somebody so I can be my authentic self. This is complete unadulterated bilge water. Somebody wrote in I think it was on YouTube, somebody wrote in and, and said, What is this bilge water, I don't know what the bilge water means. So, for your benefit, bilge water is a an unpleasant, smelly slurry of seawater, and engine oil, and anything else that has fallen into the bottom part of your boat. You know, if you broke a bottle of mayonnaise, well, there's probably some may there mean, the builders or the part beneath the floor, you walk on the floor you walk on isn't the outer skin of the boat, the outer skin of the boat goes down towards the keel. And there's in most boats, there's nearly always a couple of inches of water, the the seal around the propeller shaft also leaks water for cooling purposes. And so you know, there's a drop or two every minute. And so every now and then your bilge pump kicks in and pumps out a you know, half a gallon of water or wherever you've set the tripping point of the bilge pump. But at any rate, bilge water is unappetizing, unappealing. And whenever you have to work down in the bottom of your boat, you really want to pump out all the bilge, water, even on a clean out the bilges and that just makes the process of working down just a lot more pleasant than it would otherwise be. So much for that idea, then, no, we do not want to marry somebody who lets us be our authentic selves.
Daniel Lapin 12:51
And the next one was, are your hopes and dreams and future goals being supported? Yeah, the the idea that you're married, and you each have your own separate goals and dreams, then you're not getting the idea of marriage. Or if you are in a relationship with your boyfriend and girlfriend. Well, there I suppose you both do have your own independent goals. For instance, it's very possible that the that the goals of one of them is to transform and grow this relationship into a marriage. And the goals or the other may be to resist that for absolutely as long as possible. That is very often a an example of mixed goals that you find in boyfriend girlfriend connections. And so yeah, we're not we're not talking about that. That is that's a disaster waiting to happen. But in a marriage, obviously, before long before you get married, you want to be able to talk through these things and work out you know, what are the goals of the marriage? The marriage is there, you know, maybe maybe there are work goals for each one. Well, first we're going to try and attain his work goal and you're, you're gonna handle the the home front, maybe it's the other way around, or whatever it is. It's the couple working together in order to achieve the the dream like beautiful states of being married when you are heart and soul, body and soul, whether you're in totally an entirely connected with somebody sharing the same vision for the future, wanting the same thing for yourselves and the same thing for your children, whether they're yet born or your future children, but to be with somebody where you have a unified set of goals. That is that is what a marriage relationship really means. And so the idea that the person you're with must support your goals and you have to support their goals, etc, etc. It's just sad, really, really sad and, and I pray that nobody participating in this show at the present time is in that kind of situation. If you are, please try and repair it in. It's drastic and it warrants drastic repaired really does.
Daniel Lapin 15:28
Then number four was? Do you feel like your emotional needs are being met? Do you feel like your emotional needs are being met? Or are you holding things back? Because they don't know how to show up for you. Okay, I'll just go with the first part of that. It's it was poorly written, I'm afraid but are your emotional needs you feel like your emotional needs are being met? Well, they're again, the best way to achieve your emotional needs, whatever that phrase means, by the way, it's not at all clear. What is your emotional needs? Well, I need to feel loved. Okay, well, then you have to discern to determine with your spouse, what are the ways in which you feel love for a man, it is very often and not exclusively, but nearly always involves physical intimacy. A man feels he is loved when a woman shares herself with him as clearly put as I can. For a woman that's also obviously relevant and real. But there are additional needs that a woman has, in terms of a feeling connected with and communicated with a feeling admired and adored, feeling protected.
Daniel Lapin 17:08
For a man, in addition to physical intimacy, feeling admired and respected. Now these, these are all things that are brought about by actions, by behaviors. And so it's not a case of are my emotional needs being met? First of all, it's what am I doing to make sure my spouse's needs are being met? I don't need the word emotional in front of it. She has many needs. One of her needs is that she has to be able to feel attractive. And that means that she spends more money and more time on appearance than a man does or might. And it's part of our husbands duty to make that available to provide all of that. I know that a lot of what I say probably sound sometimes terribly antiquated. Right? Do you feel you feel that I'm somehow speaking to the 18th century or the 19th century? And the answer is that I'm not at all I'm very aware of how far we've all slipped in so many different zones of life. But particularly in the area of marriage, I know how far we've slipped from the ideal marriage. And we've all taken guidance from an authorized and mendacious experts, experts who will tell you the most important thing in a marriage is equality, or, you know, and saw and all kinds of other things like that. When these things are simply aren't true. There are marriages that are in horrible shape. I mean, honestly, I, I don't know that I would be able to have stayed in such a marriage. There are marriages that are built off the latest advice off the internet of Psychology Today magazine. And they don't work. They just don't. And so I prefer even though it may sound antiquated and may not be applicable in precisely the way I say it to everybody at the present moment. But if you know the truth, it's much easier for you to adapt to the closest to the truth you can possibly manage. But if it's distorted when it comes to you, then you don't stand a chance. Right? I understand.
Daniel Lapin 19:50
If you're building a bridge, you might be trying to build a bridge over a creek in Africa. Somebody else might be trying to build The bridge over a long straight, they want a two mile suspension bridge in China, somebody else might be trying to build a garden feature over a pond. And so everybody's building a bridge, my best shot at being helpful to you is giving you unadorned, and perfectly accurately the precise laws of physics that apply to building a bridge. We'll talk about material strength, we'll talk about gravity, we'll talk about tensile and compressive strength, we'll talk about how the forces on the bridge can best be transferred to the to either end says the bridge can leap the span. But I'll tell you those things in accurate terms. I won't try and fudge those things. I'll leave you to do the fudging necessary when you say Well, yeah. You know, what he's saying is, of course, true. But I'm building a bridge in my garden for my children to go over, no adults are going to be using this bridge. So I don't need to apply the same stress and weight principles that he spoke about. And you're absolutely right. Or else, somebody else might say, Look, I don't have the money to build the kind of bridge, ideally, he's talking about. So I'm going to take certain risks, I'm going to accept that. I may have to strengthen this bridge down the road. But in order to get something up for the moment now, I'm going to ignore rules C, D, and L. And I'll just follow the other rules. And I know what I'm doing. I know that I'm accommodating to reality. Yeah, I understand. That's that that is so.
Daniel Lapin 22:01
I was, this is years ago, I was speaking to a group of people. And I was teaching about the idea that in a marriage respect only can be given to each spouse by the other. And so if you want children, to treat your wife respectfully, then it's up to you to make sure that happens, she can't do it for herself. If you want guests to treat your spouse respectfully, then you have to, if you want social friends and members of your worship family, to treat your spouse, respectfully, make sure then you do that. If a father demands respect, right, the fifth commandment, right, you have to honor your father and mother. So if a father says, well, children, today, we're going to start working on the fifth commandment, you are going to honor me and the way you're going to do that is you're going to stand up when I walk into the room, and you are never going to contradict me. You know, he comes across as a tyrannical buffoon. You can't do it that way, it doesn't work. The only way is, if it is the mother, who says to the children, don't you dare speak to your father like that ever again, much better than if the father says you must talk to me like that does work. So this is one of the things that happens in child raising. And it's one of the reasons that the Hebrew word for parents only exists as a plural. There isn't such a thing as single parenting. Again, we do our best, we're accommodating, we can't follow all the rules because we're raising children without a husband or without a wife, you do the best you can, knowing the rules as they exist, obviously, but in a functioning, healthy marriage that is built on all the spiritual rules of ancient Jewish wisdom. It is the the wife that that brings about respect for the husband and vice versa. I'm explaining all of this. And, and a person says to me, the guy says, When I walk through the door, he said, I want to know if it's like what happens when you go home and walk through the door. What's it like when you go home and walk through the door? So I set out I'll tell you, I'm not going to say it's 100% of the time because sometimes things are rushed sometimes there's stress going on but if you ask me what is it like for Rabbi Daniel Lapin to walk into his house after a day's work? I'll tell you. My wife meets me at the door. Or as soon as she hears my entering the house. She's there And she looks like a dream. She looks incredible. And our children pop up behind her, and little ones flinging themselves around my legs and give me a big hug. Others lean in and give me a kiss or a hug. And everyone's got smiles. That's what happens when I come home. And this man got very pensive. And he said, That's not at all what happens when I come home. Can I tell you? And I said, Yes, but I don't want you to tell everybody in this meeting as well. So why don't you speak to me afterwards, and he comes up afterwards. And he's very upset. He says, My children don't even stop watching TV. I come in, I'm ignored. I even greet them by name. And if anything, they'll say hi. But they don't take their eyes off the television. And, and my wife may or may not be home. And if she is she'll, she'll continue doing whatever it is that she's doing. And I said to him, Look, this is the marriage you've created and the family you've created. They are being totally faithful to everything you taught them. And I knew this was going to upset him. But you have to know the reality of particularly you want to change it. And he said to me, Well, I would like to change it. And I said, before you agree to want to change it, I want to tell you something you really have to know. And that is that the general rule is that when we -- and everybody, please hear this very, very clearly.
Daniel Lapin 26:55
What I'm about to describe applies to whether you're trying to fix a toothache, or whether you're trying to fix a marriage or you're trying to fix a child raising problem, or you're trying to fix a financial problem. Please be aware, here's the rule. Very, very important. Rabbi Daniel Lapin rule number 94. And that is, whenever you start trying to repair a situation, the initial impact is so much worse, that you almost wish that you would have left it alone. Right? You know, let's imagine you discover that you've got a bad pipe. And there's there's a slight drip, and you can tell there's moisture in your wall, you got two choices, leave it alone or tackle it, and you decide to tackle it. And you got to rip out the plaster and break through the board. And you got to get to the pipe and you've exposed the the wiring and the and the studs, and you finally find the leaking pipe. And you got to turn off the water, you got to saw out the bad section you got to get in a new, you know, you're looking at this mess in the bathroom, and you're looking at the watch and, and all the other things you need to be doing. And you're saying, You know what I wish I had just left moisture in the wall, I could have just lived with that. This, this repair is horrendous. But deep down, you know you couldn't have because that water in the wall was each and every passing day causing a rot situation for wood within the structure. You really didn't want to do that this needed to be fixed. But the initial impact to their pay is so much worse, that you just wish it left them alone. Eventually, late that night, you finish the job, you come back the next day, and you do the drywall and you plaster over and then you paint. And then finally you look at it and you feel great. I fixed the problem has now fixed and it's fixed long term and it's fixed right? And now you forget all the difficulties. But you have to know this happens. You have a small tooth ache, nothing big comes and goes you decided to go and have it the next thing you know you're having an injection and anesthetic in your mouth, you're having drilling going on you got a root canal going on. After that you're you're taking pain medication for two days. You know, I wish I had just left it alone. No you that, you know the repair has to happen. And it's better. But going in it helps if you know that the initial impact is going to seem to make the problem much worse than it was when you were motivated to try and repair it in the first place. So I explained this and he said no take a week and then come and tell me if you want to fix it. If you then want to fix it. I'll tell you what to do. He came back a week later said I really want to fix it. I'm not happy now that I know what a marriage and be like I want to fix your kids are teenagers already. This is going to be really hard. Please remember what I told you it will deteriorate before it gets better. Remember that right now, it's not ideal, but at least it's relatively peaceful. You come home and you know you can, if you want to do something, you can go ahead and nobody's bothering you. They're not greeting you. They're not acknowledging you. They're not showing love to you, none of that, but at least you got peace. And he said, Well, I still want to do it. I said, Tell me, how about if it leads to a divorce? Will you still feel that it's worthwhile. And he looked me in the eye. And he said, I thought about that. I realized, obviously, that when you said it could get worse, and will get worse, maybe it means much worse. And I wouldn't like that. He said, I would not. But if that happened, I will do my best to get married as soon as I've recovered from the trauma. And I will try and build a new family. And I'll try and get this one, right.
Daniel Lapin 31:06
And anyways, I told him what he has to do. And obviously, it got much worse. His wife and his children were highly indignant when he made his demands known, because his wife wasn't buying into this at all. Anyways, I could tell you much more about the story. And maybe one day I will. I saw this individual when I was in his city, during this year, just earlier this year, and he is remarried, as I knew he was, he has three young children. And he has a beautiful family. And he took me aside into another room when I was visiting. And he said, I have only one thing to say, and that is thank you. And, and I often asked myself, Why didn't I know you when I was starting off my married life? And I said, Look, perhaps the most frequent comment I get is where were you when I was setting my life up financially or family wise in every other way? Look, I get it. I mean, in, we are living in such a damaged culture in whatever country you're living in. This is true for almost every country. We're living in such a damaged culture, that we all go ahead and make critical decisions having to do with finances and families, sometimes even fitness, sometimes even our health without knowing the things we should have known. It's sad, it's horrible. It's terrible. But better late than never. And in this man's case, he he knew what he was doing. He decided, in fact, to go ahead just as he wanted to, and to try and he hoped it wouldn't come to it. He hoped he'd be able, no, but you know, we all would like to be married only once. Right? Everyone's desire. I mean, even little children should learn. You should teach little kids. Remember that it's a wonderful thing to be married only once. It's a wonderful thing. There was talking about a blessings, you know, may you marry and be married only once.
Daniel Lapin 33:30
There's a rabbi no longer alive, but I was at his funeral when I was 16 years old, so I knew exactly who he was 16 I think I was 16 when I was at his funeral. And he needed to try and get some Jewish refugees out of Italy. After Mousollini, he came to power. And the Germans were in control and Jews were being rounded up in Italy. There were some Jews that appealed to this rabbi to help get him out. And he, he sought out. He sought out a mafia leader in New York. And he asked for a meeting. And it's like to Don this because these are two highly respected gentlemen, one law abiding one less so. But both very committed to family, both very committed to people. And he spoke to him and he said, Look, I've got these people I have to get out of Italy. Do you have any connections in Italy? And this mafia leader took a liking to the rabbi. And he said, as a matter of fact, I do. We're, we're one big family, he said and yeah, I got people there. And they worked out a plan that the mafia were a mafia leader would get people. His people in Italy, too. Get hold of these Jews and guide them all the way down south and then across the straits to Sicily. And they were, they were going to be kept in hiding in Sicily until the end of the war. It's exactly what happened. And little while later the war did come to an end, they had survived, they were being kept alive by mafia, family in Italy. And they were able to come to the United States of America. And the rabbi invited the mafia leader back again, to meet the people, and for them to have an opportunity to express their gratitude to him. And it was a very remarkable gathering, as you can imagine, off the record, very quiet. And I only know about this because of the son of the rabbi, who then became the rabbinic leader after his father passed on. And the rabbi asked, excuse me, the mafia leader, before this event ended, he came, he went to the house, he said to the rabbi, look, we've come through a lot together, we've pulled this off, I'm grateful to have been able to help you. And the rabbi said, you know how grateful I am. And the [mafia man] said, I want you to give me a blessing, I know that you're a holy man, I want you to give me a blessing. And the rabbi said, Look, I'm not a holy man. But we do. We do understand that people can bless one another. And that the more connected people are to God, the more effectively they can bring His blessings. So I will be happy to give you a blessing. And the rabbi went quiet for a few moments. And he placed his hands on the head of the mafia leader. And he said, may God grant you that you should die, a very old age, in your own bed at peace with your family. The mafia leader was very moved. And it's exactly what happened. As you know, it's not necessarily characteristic of Mafia leaders that they do all die peacefully of old age in their bed. This one did. And before he died, he conveyed the whole story to his son. His son came to visit the new rabbi who is the son of the old rabbi. And he said, he came to visit him in in the town in which he lived and this is new mafia leader, the younger man said, our fathers were very good friends. He said, Yes, I know. Your father helped my father says yes. But your father gave my father a blessing that worked out that came true. Said Yes, I know. He said, I want a blessing from you. And he said, he said to him, I am not yet at the stage of my father, where I'm able to give that kind of blessing. So I'm not able to, I'm not able to do that. And so he didn't give him a blessing at that point. But from what I know, the relationship continued, and I don't know that there was not a later opportunity. It's an extraordinary story. I can't go into the whole part of it. There are parts of it. I am not at liberty to speak about
Daniel Lapin 38:36
But blessings, blessings have a significance. And so when people give one another blessings, particularly if there are people who have worked at trying to build a connection with God and to build faith, those blessings do actually have significance.
Daniel Lapin 39:02
And so, in in marriage, yeah, that's right, also, and we, I wanted to sort of wrap up the last four. I said, four, do you feel your emotional needs are being met? Focus on delivering the needs to your spouse, and you'll be amazed at how your needs will be bad, leave out the word emotional. I also don't like the word emotional abuse. I also don't like the idea that words are violence. When when words stop having meaning, right? Abuse means abuse. As soon as you say verbal abuse or emotional abuse, it becomes subjective. I've done absolutely nothing to you, and you're accusing me of emotional abuse. Because it's all now about how you feel. You cannot operate a marriage or a business relationship or a society or a judicial system on subjective rulings, you can't do it like that. I feel offended by what you said, tough cookies. And when you ready, we'll talk about what I said. And whether there was something wrong and offensive in what I said, in which case I must apologize. Or in which case I didn't, in which case you got a thin skin, you need to get a thicker skin. But we can't operate a relationship on your feelings. And so that's why I say emotional needs no, let's talk about real needs. Let's talk about needs that can be responded to with actual actions, conduct and behavior. I don't want this relationship to be contingent on mysterious mind wisps moving through the ether, intangibly and imperceptibly know, there are right ways to behave towards your spouse. That's what you got to do. In that case, and in so doing, they get their needs met, and you get your needs met.
Daniel Lapin 41:08
Number five, are you able to say no and create boundaries without being made to feel guilty? Are you able to say no, and create boundaries without being made to fail feel guilty or selfish? Well, again, that's also a tricky one. Let me let me tell you why. We've got to a point in the culture and this is true, again, wherever you live, where the governing, controlling factor is, whether you feel like it. Now, this is not how the world really works. I have to go to work, whether I feel like it or not. And one of the great enemies of the religion of secular fundamentalism, based on feelings instead of on beliefs, facts, and realities. One of the fatal enemies of secular fundamentalism is called reality. Because reality will always help put your hands one of the things I tell you, that if if you have a 19 year old, who just doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, and he's just sort of hanging around, and then to go to college and just waste all that money and acquire student debt, to take a course in gender studies, or something equally stupid and meaningless. What for? And so you know, what, you know, this person is he's trying to take a community college course in this, he's trying to, he's trying to learn to teach himself how to do computer game coding. And anyway, what do you do with a 19 year old who's in that situation. And again, I can't sort of prescribe long distance for every situation. But in an overwhelming majority of situations, there's only one simple right solution for that 19 year old, you know what it is, he's got to get a job. And it's his parent's responsibility to make it an imperative for him to get a job. And there lots of ways to do that, obviously. But that's absolutely crucial. Because a job is an interaction with reality. A job you could even say is a collision with reality. You've got to interact with other people, you very quickly learn how they feel about you. Maybe you never knew how other people feel about you. Having a job is a great way to discover. You have a relationship with a boss, there's value, you've got to deliver value, you receive value, a job is really a wonderful way in order to move forward out of that late teens lassitude where you you just can't find what to do or where to do it. You don't know what you wanted find, take a year in a job, what sort of job I don't know what kind of construction site, you won't go wrong. If provided you're lucky enough to be able to get a job on a construction site. But whatever it is, and during the course of that time, you will maybe try and find a rigger who will take you on as an apprentice or there's so many different things you could do. But it's during that time that you will find what it is you should be doing. And so when when we say that we are misled by the culture, then our feelings really matter.
Daniel Lapin 44:59
It's a real Trouble. Because in a marriage, a lot of times, we have to do things that we don't necessarily feel like doing. You know? I'll tell you the truth. I mean, if I stopped to actually think about it, do I really feel like cooking meals for my wife? Who isn't feeling well? Or do I have other things I'd rather be doing? Well, we've been married for a few years. And there is already such a reservoir of goodwill and so much accumulated appreciation that I actually do feel happy to be able to do something for her. But you could readily understand, you know, if we were more newly married, yeah, there are lots of things I do that I don't feel like and guess what I know, there's a whole lot of things she does, then she doesn't feel like doing this the saralee. Now, as a marriage moves along and grows in richness and maturity, you become integrated with these emotions. And you actually do start feeling like doing these things, even though somebody else watching would say to you, like, look like do you really feel like doing that for your wife? And I'd say I look, I really understand that to you, it would appear as if I can't possibly feel like doing that. But over the years, I've made myself do what I know, I must do not what I feel like doing. Do you hear what that is in a marriage, you learn each of you learns to do what you know, you must do, not what you feel like doing. As an adolescent, you do what you feel like doing. As a child, as a spoiled adult, you do what you feel like doing. But that's not the way to grow as a human being. You want to do what you should be doing, not what you feel like doing. And there lots of examples like this. I, I don't want to treat this in full. But I do want to at least just mentioned that and that I spoke earlier, a man whether he likes it or not deep down inside, we can't help it. But we measure and we feel the love of our women, by the by the physical intimacy, they grant us. And that's what it is right? Men Chase women much more than women Chase men, because we need as men, we need to be granted that intimacy and that closeness. And there is no doubt about it, that there are many, many times that a wise woman inside herself, her inner self, rolls her inner eyeballs, and said I can't believe I mean, he's showing all the signs of really wanting to spend some time with me now. I can't believe it. There's nothing I feel less like doing right now. And wise women have always understood and do understand. This is a time to do not what you feel like doing, which is certainly not this, but to do what your head tells you should be done now, what the situation needs. And the husband is never aware, doesn't even know that his wife is doing something he desperately feels like this. He doesn't even know that she doesn't because she's so smart, that she conceals that. And she becomes involved. These women do that today. Not only are they wise but they're very courageous. Because the feminist culture is telling them don't do that. The feminist culture is telling wives, everything that's wrong with surrendering to your husband, even when you don't feel like it. And it goes both ways. There. There are many, many times many things that wives husbands do that are the right thing to do, even though they don't feel like them. One of the by the ways work what what would a wife feel if a husband Monday morning, lies in bed does get up? Alright, so how are you feeling? Okay, I'm feeling fine. Once you're at work, I didn't feel like going to work today that would fill many wives with a deep sense of unease and misgiving. Because one of the things we expect from mature partners is to act not the way we feel. But to act the way we know we should act. So it's a really, really very important point.
Daniel Lapin 49:30
And so number six, are you ever been coerced into doing something you're not feeling like doing? I guess I've covered this already. Yeah, it's not be a case of being coerced. It's a case of knowing it's the right thing to do for my marriage, even though it's what I feel like doing. Sure. Plenty times. There's no husband or wife in a good marriage. Who would say yeah, of course there are times I feel I've been coerced into having To do things, absolutely.
Daniel Lapin 50:02
And number seven, the last one is after an argument -- And you know, by the way that I didn't approve of any of these things, I think these are terrible. These are from Portland, Oregon, psychologists publish these, and I think was on Instagram and it like went berserk. 2 million people. You know, because I guess people like lists that simplify things. So here are seven questions to test your relationship. It's a disaster. I mean, the following this is so bad. And so I thought it'd be interesting if I devoted two shows more or less to debunking. And the last one is, after an argument, are you able to repair and reconnect without feeling battered and exhausted? Okay, fine. Look, again, in a marriage mechanisms for resolving disputes are things you work out very, very early, ideally, before you married? I think I've told you that. One of the things that I recommend COUPLES IS, before you get married, choose who will be your mediator, who will you go to, when there is an issue between you? Who will you go to, that you will allow to resolve the dispute for you. And that way, having agreed to this in advance, at the end of the of the issue, neither of you has been defeated by the other, neither of you has given up and let the other have his way. But know, you've both given into the system you set up when you got married. My wife and I did that. When we got married, we decided to choose somebody. To my astonishment, she suggested my father, to have I readily agreed. Had I but known then that on almost every issue we brought to him, like, four out of five issues we brought to him, he sided with her, not with me. And I don't think he was siding with her. I think in hindsight, she was right. You know, but I couldn't see it. I was emotionally involved at the time. Uh, he, as an outsider saw it. And it was great, because in every case, we were having, obviously a bitter argument that necessitated us going to see my father. So it was a pretty intense argument. But in each of the cases, it was resolved calmly, because once it given his decision, we smile. Okay, fine. That's, that's how it goes. And it's really a very good way of, of dealing with it. Even if you don't do that. Couples, married couples find ways to get over disputes quickly. So again, I don't think that that is necessarily a good way. If you're in a long term relationship, and you don't have a way of getting over disputes. That's not good. And that's pretty much what he says. So I'll give him one out of seven is, is what I will give him.
Daniel Lapin 53:09
A large part, and I just want to make sure there was nothing else that I noted that I felt I had to tell you about. It. Yeah, the only other thing that I wanted to mention was that, and I've spoken about this before, but not in exactly the same kind of way. And that is that love is always cited as the main thing. I've heard this again and again, I've heard marriage counselors. Sometimes marriage counselors have consulted me. And they've said, Well, this couple you know, they don't love each other anymore. So I guess there's no way to save that marriage. Nonsense. That's not true. That's not true at all. The marriage is not contingent on love. And what is love anyways, the truth is that if you cannot distinguish between love and lust, if you can't distinguish between the giving aspects of love and the taking aspects of love, then you have no business using the word in the first place. No, love means to be consumed by an irresistible drive to just give and to bestow and to do good for the other person, the subject of your love. And that's that's what it is when people speak about loving God. It's just an overflowing This is one of the reasons that sacrifices are a reality in the Bible, because you just want to give to God or you're so overwhelmed with love. That's exactly what it is. When, when parents love children, which is the most reliable form of love there is and it is, in fact, the first usage of the word love in the Bible is in the context of Abraham him and his son, Isaac, parents love children. That's why they just give them all the time parents don't stop doing for children. That's what's going on. That's what love means. And so, no and Berridge, if there's a commitment and a set of shared values in the marriage, and those haven't changed, and they shouldn't, we have course the marriage can be put together. There's no question about that. It needs skilful outside assistance. There's no question about it. But the the question is not Do you love one another? And again, as I said, I've seen ill advised counselors say to a couple that comes to them with a tottering marriage. Well, do you still love one another? Excuse me? Who knows what sort of few people can answer that question and the normal circumstances, certainly not under stress. So my dear happy warriors, I am going to leave it over here for today's show. I want to thank you very, very much for being part of the show and being with us, I would ask you to head over to the website Rabbi Daniel lapin.com. And here's what I want you to do. There is a way to watch a free hour. Now a free half hour of my teaching series. Scrolling through Scripture, absolutely free. Enjoy it, it'll begin to give you an insight into where ancient Jewish wisdom is rooted. And how it is that the critical difference between knowledge and wisdom can make all the difference between a successfully live life and a bilge water like mess. So go to Rabbi Daniel lapin.com. Take a look at the Scrolling through Scripture. Find the free half hour lesson, enjoy it and gain from it in a way that will make sure you keep on everyday moving onwards and upwards. In your finances, and in your faith, in your friendship, and in your fitness and in your family life as well. I'm Rabbi Daniel Lapin till next week, God bless.
