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The Rabbi Daniel Lapin Podcast
Episode: Fake Relationship Advice-Can You Spot The Mistakes?
Date: 08/19/22 Length: 29:21
Daniel Lapin 0:00
Would you like to do the rrreally when we get to that part of it?
Susan Lapin 0:06
No you do that because I don't know how to the rrreally
Daniel Lapin 0:06
okay, well, that wasn't bad. So you want to do that? You're gonna give that a try? All right. Welcome to the rabbi Daniel Lapin show, the only show on the entire internet on which your rabbi reveals how the world
Susan Lapin 0:20
rrrrrreally works.
Daniel Lapin 0:27
Very good. And that is to introduce Mrs. Susan Lapin an integral part of the entire operation but only an occasional guest on the podcast
Susan Lapin 0:40
It's been a long time actually.
Daniel Lapin 0:42
It's been a bit of much too long if you ask me. Yeah, it's really much too long. Well, I'm delighted as always to spend time together with you. And we just did we just took two days away, far away
Susan Lapin 0:55
well it wasn't that far it was a drive
Daniel Lapin 0:58
it was a two hour drive. That's all Yeah. But, but
Susan Lapin 1:01
it felt like a different world.
Daniel Lapin 1:03
Yeah, great. It really did. It was it was quite lovely. Yeah, where did we find ourselves we found ourselves on the Eastern Shore
Susan Lapin 1:12
We didn't actually find ourselves we went deliberately. It wasn't whoops look what happened?
Daniel Lapin 1:20
Right. Okay, so
Susan Lapin 1:25
I thought you were gonna say what we were doing on the Eastern Shore.
Daniel Lapin 1:28
We didn't do anything. We kayaked. And we hiked and we looked at the water and we reveled in we listened to the sounds of silence.
Susan Lapin 1:36
The quiet. Yeah, that was the best.
Daniel Lapin 1:37
Yeah, it was it was very, I hadn't realized just how noisy our our lives are
Susan Lapin 1:42
Neither had I till the absence of the noise.
Daniel Lapin 1:45
So, there's no question about it that a good part of the noise we're feeling is from the construction going on near us. And I've spoken about this on previous shows. You know how torn I am between the one and being amazed.
Susan Lapin 1:59
I sometimes can't tear my eyes away. Because it's such a pleasure to walk. watch people do something competently and with alacrity. And really, it's fascinating to watch how this is going up. But it's, on the other hand, it's very noisy, noisy, and they're taking away our view they're taking away our view.
Daniel Lapin 2:19
Yeah right. But anyways, here we are, Susan. Here's, here's the show. We've got a guy who, who is a therapist is a West Coast therapist in Portland. And he's got a whole lot of response to a list of seven things that can help you determine if you are with the right person in a good relationship. But that's that's his idea.
Susan Lapin 2:52
One question I always like asking is, is he in a good relationship? And how long has he been in a good relationship? I think one of the things that we used to get amazed was about the marriage therapist who had been divorced three times. Yes. And I go, you know, maybe you need to learn a little more before you give advice.
Daniel Lapin 3:09
You'd think right now. Why is that different from a financial advisor who's not a multimillionaire? Why? So why why is that okay?
Susan Lapin 3:20
Well, I think a financial advisor who makes very bad investments and has been bankrupt many times would be a problem. I don't know that being a multimillionaire is a requirement for managing someone's money.
Daniel Lapin 3:34
That's right. But a marriage therapist who's been married and divorced several times, obviously not been able to sustain a durable marriage, probably a bad guide for for the field,
Susan Lapin 3:47
Certainly one can ask a question,
Daniel Lapin 3:49
right? So here is what he sounds like. And when we finished hearing it, it's all 40 seconds or so. I will read them. I'll give them to one at a time. And then I would like you all to spend a moment thinking about what's wrong with each one. And then you will hear Mrs. Lapin and I discussing them, is that gonna work out for you?
Therapist [Recording] 4:18
So ask yourself the following one, how do they treat you? Are they a nice kind, sweet and caring? Are they bullies that are mean and make fun of you too? Do you feel safe and secure enough to be your authentic self? Are you only showing certain parts of yourself and hiding others? Why are you doing that three? Are your hopes and dreams and future goals being supportive? Because this is a major part of a healthy relationship four, do you feel like your emotional needs are being met? Do you feel seen understood and supported or are you holding things back because they don't know how to show up for you five? Are you able to say no one create boundaries without being made to feel guilty or selfish six Are you ever being coerced or forced to do something you're not consenting to even if you're in relationship and deucey asked to consent is still required seven After an argument, are you able to repair reconnect until resolved? Or are you left feeling emotionally battered? And exhausted?
Daniel Lapin 5:06
Okay, good. Well, there it is. You heard it. And here is the first one. The first one is, how do they treat you? Are they nice, kind, sweet and caring? Or are they bullies that are mean to make fun of you? So, Susan, my first reaction to that, and let me just say it again? How do they treat you? Are they mean? Are they nice? kind, sweet and caring? Or they bullies who are mean and make fun of you?
Susan Lapin 5:38
When is the last time you hit your wife?
Daniel Lapin 5:41
That's right. Yeah, it's this is a false dichotomy. Those two aren't opposites. This is like, did you have carrots for dinner? Or did you drive a diesel locomotive? The things have nothing to do, how do they treat you? Are they nice, kind, sweet and caring? Or are they bullies? That's not the opposite. People may not be nice, kind, sweet and caring all the time. But that doesn't mean that they're bullies either. And so it's
Susan Lapin 6:11
beyond that, you know, when you say Are they look, it is wonderful. First of all, can I just mention because when he was you, I didn't hear the word spouse or wife or husband,
Daniel Lapin 6:22
in terms of the overall problem with with us. And and what we're trying to do is help our listeners develop critical skills. So is that when you hear distinguished and famous therapist, family therapist in Portland, who got 2 million hits on Instagram, that doesn't mean that what he's saying is true, helpful, accurate or valuable. And so we're just going to analyze it together with you. And so one of the overall problems with the whole thing is that he uses the word relationship. Now, I'm gonna say something. And it's, I've thought about whether to say this or not, because in a way, it's a sort of deep reach. I'm asking our listeners to come along for a very scary ride. This is like a very scary roller coaster. That's not the first thing you take your unsafety on when you take her to the amusement park.
Susan Lapin 7:23
Well, I know how you normally like massaging people with warm butter. But we'll make an exception this time.
Daniel Lapin 7:31
Yes. Okay, so let me let me clarify. There are exactly four types of relationships between men and women. Let me say that again. There are four types of relationships between men and women. There's Mother/Son, that's one. Father/daughter, that's two. Brother/sister, that's three. Husband and wife, that is four. That's it. And so this idea that you can just use the word relationship to define a, an airy sort of floating, unclear non-specific relationship between man and woman. No, there isn't such a thing. Boyfriend and Girlfriend, sorry, that's not a relationship. It's exploitive of the man for the the woman. That's what it is. It's certainly exploitative, but it's not a relationship. And, and so it is with any other variation. There are four types of relationships. And we are talking about marriage. That's it. Now that doesn't show up at all, in this particular therapist's conversation,
Susan Lapin 8:50
I need you to I get what you're saying. But in other words, if he would have said instead of using the word partner and using the word if he would have said, Here are seven things you should look at, as you decide whether to to get married to somebody. So you're saying they're not in a relationship.
Daniel Lapin 9:07
Courting is not a relationship. Okay. Yeah. boyfriend, girlfriend is certainly not. But that's right. Don't make the mistake of thinking relationship. And again, it'll take more time than it's worth. But I can go into the semantic discussion of what's wrong with a word relationship. Why it does not apply to somebody who says we're boyfriend and girlfriend or where we're living together
Unknown Speaker 9:07
You're not saying to you should meet the person you want to marry under the marriage canopy, your parents should pick for you. No, no, of course not. You're saying you do are getting to know somebody Yes,
Daniel Lapin 9:41
but that you're not in a relationship while
Susan Lapin 9:43
Until you are married.
Daniel Lapin 9:45
So I know this is not something that that is easily heard, because we're so accustomed to that. But I think it's important that we tell the truth and that is the truth. So our therapist thinks our Marriage as merely one kind of many different kinds of male female relationships. And that is simply not correct.
Susan Lapin 10:08
So the reason I started with that is because I want to marry somebody who can, who is nice, who can be kind, that kind person who can be sweet and caring. So right, bullies is not the opposite of that. But beyond that, I don't want them to always act nice, kind, sweet and caring. I want as a woman, I want a certain amount of strength. And quite frankly, even as a man, it may be a different type of strength that you want. But a lot of times people make the mistake of, of interpreting sweet and kind and saying, Well, that's really lovely. And it is lovely. Look, we, we thought very kindly on young men who recording our daughters, when they showed up when one of them drove for a few hours to meet her at the airport. So she would not be getting off a plane at one in the morning and having to take a cab that was a kind sweet, that -
Daniel Lapin 11:07
But that same guy who she ended up marrying also displayed strength and determination
Susan Lapin 11:15
so it is not bullies and a lot of times -
Daniel Lapin 11:17
And if you notice my show notes, number one, remember, well see what I said. Which is exactly another mistake our therapist is making here is he's not distinguishing between man and woman. He's treating them exactly the same. And it is true that one of the most important characteristics that a man looks for, that men should look for in a woman is marrying, is agreeableness somebody who is not constantly picking fights or arguing or debating.
Daniel Lapin 11:21
Well I would not look for somebody who picks fights sorry, women, I wouldn't look for someone who picks fights either.
Daniel Lapin 11:54
No, that is true. But the values of strength and determination are more valued by a woman and a man than by a man and a woman.
Susan Lapin 12:05
I'm going to suggest that they may be different types of strength. And I know, we certainly both know women who marry the sweetest, sweetest, sweetest guy and get very frustrated after the marriage when he's not able to stand up for himself in the office, or he's not able to deal -
Daniel Lapin 12:23
Or with her, by the way
Susan Lapin 12:24
- or with her. But I would say that a man also in other words, quite frankly, if we're talking marriage, and in our view, marriage implies children, or certainly attempting to have children. And I don't think that that I think a man wants a woman who can act like the adult in the relationship, not that she and the three year old are the same, because she's so nice. She can't bear to see the three year old cry. And that's I think there's strength in both directions. It may be a different type of strength. But I don't think anybody wants to be married to somebody spineless.
Daniel Lapin 13:03
Correct.
Susan Lapin 13:03
And I think the women's movement has pushed women to really look for a de-masculated male.
Daniel Lapin 13:13
Right. Okay, so I think I think we've, I think we've dealt with item one. But again, it's, I'm pretty sure that that our listeners would have picked up all of what was wrong with item one.
Daniel Lapin 13:30
Okay, let's listen to item two. Do you feel safe and secure enough to be your authentic self? Or are you only sharing certain parts of yourself and hiding others? Why are you doing that? Okay, happy warriors. Listen, you are a happy warrior. That means there is no such thing as your authentic self. Because that which is your authentic self, is true only for the instant in the present. My authentic self is not what it was six months ago, and not what it'll be next week. Because we are not cows or cats or camels or kangaroos, we are human beings. And that means that we are capable of change and not only capable of change, almost inevitably we will change. And that means that you and I have the choice. We either grow and become better people or we deteriorate and become worse people. But the idea that you are who you are. And by the way, we did a podcast about a year ago or so, saying that, you know talking about how fatal it is for a person to think of himself as a fully formed person. And that's who he is. No, we're not. And so the language that this therapist used, do you feel safe and secure enough to be your authentic self? What are you talking about? And you,
Susan Lapin 15:17
I just think part of the reason you marry the person you marry is because they will help you to grow. In other words, you don't want to marry someone and say, who says, I never want you to change, you're wonderful just the way you are. I hope you never change anything about you, because part of marriage is growth.
Daniel Lapin 15:35
And that is one of the reasons why scripture prohibits homosexual relationships. Because you're not supposed to marry someone who's so close to you, and so much like you that everything you do is fine, as one of the reasons that we're not allowed to marry our sisters, even though it might have all kinds of advantages other than genetic, so. So yes, the idea is you you definitely look to marriage to bring about growth and
Susan Lapin 16:09
And there is also a courtesy to another person. And yes, I mean, you don't want to be on edge around, you're someone you're married to. But neither do you want to feel so safe and secure, that you can actually be the slob that you might be if we were living by yourself, and that's why it's still as a courtesy to to look nice for for your, your husband or wife. Now, that doesn't mean you're not you know, you want someone who can handle you having the stomach flu, for sure. But that, you know, you do push yourself a little more to say, okay, because there's another person in in my life, I'm going to behave in certain ways that I wouldn't have to force myself to behave if I was all by myself.
Daniel Lapin 16:53
You know, back when we were a synagogue, rabbinic rabbis, or Rabbi, You may remember the the case of the the couple, I introduced to one another. And when I spoke to her shortly thereafter, she said, Rabbi, I don't know what you were thinking, There's no way I would marry a person like that. I'm not even gonna go hang out with him again. And I said, What's the problem? She said, he's got a foul mouth on him. She said, he speaks awfully. And I said, Look, I've known him for nearly two years. I have never ever heard him. You she says, it was constant vulgarities and obscenities. I couldn't believe my ears. And so I phoned him up and asked him to come by for a chat came by and I said, How was it? He said, Well, I really liked her. But I got the impression we didn't click. I said, You got that impression? You're dead, right? You didn't click big time. He said, what went wrong? This is very simple. She told me something that boggle my mind. She told me that you had a foul mouth, and that you could barely finish a sentence without a vulgarity or an obscenity. And he turned all colors of the rainbow and he said well Rabbi. Well, it's true. I did. I said, what was the matter with you? I've never heard you talk like that. He says right in front of you. I didn't talk like that. But I wanted her to know who the real me was. I didn't want to be there under false pretenses. And Rabbi, I have to tell you, where I'm not with you. That's kind of how I speak when I'm around my friends. And I didn't want to mislead her. So we had a big conversation about how marriage,
Susan Lapin 18:35
That he wanted to bring his authentic self or he wanted to become a better self.
Daniel Lapin 18:39
Yeah, right. Exactly. Also, I remember somebody once saying to me, I've been on my best behavior. You know, we've been dating for six months, we got engaged. We're getting married next week. And I just, I just want to confirm rabbi, that I can get back to be my usual self like, when do I have to wait to the end of the honeymoon? Do I wait for the end of the first year? When can I resort to being myself? And of course, my answer was never. Yeah, never gonna happen. This is this is the new you and you're only getting better and better. So here onwards.
Susan Lapin 19:12
I think one of the things that's happening with probably the majority, if not all of these is there's an element of truth. In other words, you don't want to be putting on a fake self. But your authentic neither is it your authentic self at the moment and saying, and that's all you're ever going to get. But there's an element of truth in all of these. In other words, where, yes, you certainly don't want to pretend you don't want to be lying. And pretending that you're, you're something you're not and there's no dream you're ever going to become or that you don't want to become. Yeah, no, exactly. So there's an element of truth.
Daniel Lapin 19:54
Well, there always is even in wrong things because otherwise they get dismissed entirely. I think that's an important point. For the big lie to really work, it has to have some little element of truth in it, that that helps people buy into it. And so to see that, yeah, okay, fine. So I think we dealt with number two.
Daniel Lapin 20:17
Here's number three are Your hopes and dreams and future goals being supported. And my show notes for that, just has the word Your capitalized.
Susan Lapin 20:27
Now we want y'all remember this one, we had a woman who had gotten gotten married, she had been divorced, actually, for a number many years. And then she got married to a great guy. And she called me up once to discuss a place where they were something she I think wanted to do, and he really didn't think it was a good idea. And she said to me, Well, you know, I still have to be me. And I said, No, actually, you gave up being you, you now have a marriage, there's you, there's him. And there's the marriage, there are three pieces. And so you is 1/3 of the equation. But whenever you do has to take into all three thirds into account. And that "your" of course in English can be a plural word, or a singular word. And your hopes and dreams and future goals quite well. You shouldn't marry someone unless you share future hopes, dreams and goals.
Daniel Lapin 21:22
And that's where his that's where he's wrong on that. Because, again, he's talking about a relationship and a relationship. Right? Yeah, right. He's not talking about a marriage in a marriage. There isn't such a thing as your hopes and dreams and my hopes and dreams and, and we've got to help each other achieve out each other's hopes and dreams, marriages, hopes and dreams as a marriage. Now, we may decide that for the marriage, it's important, you know, that, that you do whatever, get your pilot's license, and we may decide that for the marriage, it's important for me to do whatever it is. But the idea that these are separate hopes and dreams. So let me just read it to you again, what he said, all your hopes and dreams and future goals being supported. It's all wrong. It doesn't it doesn't make any sense,
Susan Lapin 22:15
right? There is no marriage unless you share hopes, dreams and future goals. That's one of the main things that pull that makes a marriage. Yeah, of course, you're working together. Obviously life happens. And that means that things change. And but it's still it's changing for the two of you, it's you may both have to recalibrate.
Daniel Lapin 22:35
Yeah, exactly. So that's, so that's the first three of the seven. And what I want to do now is spend just a minute or two, describing to people the new resource that you and I have just created, which
Susan Lapin 22:51
It is getting fantastic feedback, lovely emails coming in,
Daniel Lapin 22:55
Well tell folks all about it.
Susan Lapin 22:57
So it is called The Gathering Storm. And it is a video teaching, where you teach, and I'm behind the scenes, I work on graphics and on and on the script as well. And it covers the period leading up to the flood. So it talks about what exactly was happening, you know, it's a pretty serious thing to kind of destroy the world. But what was going on and what you know, was God just in a fit of temper one day or what was happening, and it goes, really up to the verses right before the storm starts, though it does jump at one point to after the storm. Because there is one of the things that you bring we bring to the table is the Hebrew and when there is an unusual word in Hebrew, and it appears in two different locations. You can't learn it, you can't read the first verse without jumping ahead. And there is one of those instances where the exact same words that appear right before the storm, appear after the storm.
Daniel Lapin 23:59
what I have about this is the timing, Susan, in that, you know, if if we were teaching this in the 1960s or 1950s
Susan Lapin 24:12
It would have been very hard teaching it then, but okay,
Daniel Lapin 24:15
yes. Susan never misses an opportunity to point out well, I
Susan Lapin 24:20
would have been hard for you to be teaching as well in the 1950s. ...you were very precocious.
Daniel Lapin 24:24
Well, I mean, you know, I'm older than you. And and people have often asked, Why didn't I get married sooner after my arrival in the United States? And my answer is that Susan's kindergarten teacher wouldn't let her out for recess.
Susan Lapin 24:39
Not quite that.
Daniel Lapin 24:41
But at any rate, if you have the feeling that right now the world is sort of falling apart around you. And it's a legitimate feeling. I mean, there's this craziness going on. There's real craziness, the United States walks out of Afghanistan leaving nearly $10 billion worth of armaments for the Taliban. involvement in Russia, waving sabers and issuing dire threats to China.
Susan Lapin 25:14
at the same time constantly says that the military's main goal is climate change and diversity.
Daniel Lapin 25:24
Yes, exactly. Right. Yeah, the biggest problem facing the United States military is climate change. That's something that cheers up the Chinese. So, you know, you listen to all of this stuff, if you're living in the United States of America. And if you're if you're elsewhere, you know, if you're living in Germany, as I know, one, happy warrior, specifically, I'm thinking of, you're living in Germany, and you watched Germany shut down, its nuclear power stations. And then Russia starts cutting back on natural gas to Germany,
Susan Lapin 25:55
Who would have thunk?
Daniel Lapin 25:56
Who would have thought, right? And so Germany has re labeled nuclear energy as now green energy. So guess what, they started up three new nuclear power stations,
Susan Lapin 26:07
Well at least they're dealing with reality
Daniel Lapin 26:09
At least they're waking up to reality. So you know, when inflation and everything else you think to yourself, things are falling apart. Well, that is exactly what Noah's Flood is about. It's the world coming to an end
Susan Lapin 26:23
and how to cope ... how to survive
Daniel Lapin 26:23
and how to cope? How do you build How do you build a your Ark? How do you make sure that you and your family and your business, how do we make sure that your orbit survives. And, and that's really what this is all about. And I'm gonna put a link in the show description, so that you can go and read more about it's an online course, it's about two hours, about two hours, and you can download a study guide and slides that will help you regardless of the fact that I know you probably don't know Hebrew, nonetheless, you are going to be able to treat the Hebrew words themselves as if they're made up of mathematical symbols. And you're going to be able to understand the deepest significance and, and, and deeper meaning that God placed into scripture in those crucial chapters in Genesis describing the nature of the flood. So we'll do that.
Daniel Lapin 27:24
Susan. So we've done three out of seven. The first was, are is the person you're with nice and kind and sweet and caring, or are they bullies? Number two was, can you be your authentic self with this person? And number three, was, are your hopes and dreams and future goals being supported? And there are another four but I think if you don't mind, I'm thinking we'll do it on a separate show. We'll do the next four.
Susan Lapin 27:51
That's fine.
Daniel Lapin 27:52
Will you do it with me next week?
Susan Lapin 27:54
I will check my schedule but yes, I'm sure will
Daniel Lapin 27:57
well, I'd like to think that
Susan Lapin 28:01
week No, I think we may be expected company so you have to do it before earlier in the week for me to do it with you.
Daniel Lapin 28:09
At any rate, happy warriors. I hope that you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed preparing together with Mrs. Lapin and that you are able to look forward to a week of exciting growth and fantastic progress in your five Fs in your family life and in your friends, your friendship life. And in your fitness and in your did I say, financial. And in your
Susan Lapin 28:49
friendships. I believe maybe
Daniel Lapin 28:51
well, family and friendships, fitness and faith and finances. Yes, people are writing and they get amused when I stumble over
Susan Lapin 29:01
some of the many words that start with F
Daniel Lapin 29:04
frantic feverish. Yes. Yeah, frenzied, fanatical. Yeah, right.
Susan Lapin 29:11
Oh, all right. It's hard to limit it to the five until next
Daniel Lapin 29:14
week, you happy warriors. I'm thinking of you. God bless.
