TRANSCRIPT
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The Rabbi Daniel Lapin Podcast
Episode: Fearing Family Holiday Get-Togethers: Timeless Truths For Every Person in Every Place & Every Period
Date: 12/20/2019 Length: 1:02:35
Daniel Lapin 0:11
Welcome to the rabbi Daniel Lapin show where I, your rabbi, remind you that the more that things change, the more we need to depend upon those things that never change. And not only that, but I also reveal how the world or rarely works. And one thing that never changes. And one thing that is central to understanding how the world really works, is money. I was recently asked whether money is something recent, or to quote the person who asked me this during a radio interview, whether the writers of the Bible knew anything at all about money? And the answer is, yes, as a matter of fact, it is not hard to see that the Old Testament starting with the book of Genesis has more rules, rituals and regulations surrounding money than almost anything else. So did they have credit cards? Of course not. Did they have checks? Probably not. But did they have abstract representations of value? Absolutely. Did they have ways of transferring goods and activities and services among one another? Yes, of course they did. Whether or not we know the exact details is irrelevant. But in exactly the same way that they had concerns then, about raising children or relating to parents and siblings is without doubt, of course, they had those concerns, then, and they're not that different from the concerns we have now. And similarly with money, yes, of course, they had money, then there are certain things that are true for all places, and all times. And money is one of those things.
Daniel Lapin 2:46
There is another question that has been coming at me in several forms, quite recently. And at this time of the year, during which I am preparing this show, it is a time where families are planning to gather together for holidays. Very often, families that are far flung from distant parts come together, either at parents homes or at some arranged location. But families do do their utmost to try and get together at this time of the end. There is a question that has cropped up on a regular basis. Before I tell you the question, let me tell you of a nother question that I got. And the answer to this question that I provided help provide a lead in to the chief question that I'm going to tell you that I've been asked about the holidays. This question was somebody who wrote in speaking of how he was sure that if he could only get before somebody to present a concept, a deal, an idea that his entire future would change, because he would in fact be able to get this person enthusiastic about participating with him in a certain enterprise. But no matter what he tried, he was not able to get an appointment. The person's Secretary continually blocked him, and so on and so forth. So what I told him is I'm sure what many of you would have told him as well, I'm sure it's something that many of you have employed. I have employed it very effectively. And I have had it employed very effectively with me in one form or another. There are variations on it, but I'll just give you one example. Knowing that you as the happy warriors who do devote time who invest time and energy in this show? Well, you have more than sufficient resources to interpret various applications of this to various specific needs. And what I told this specific person was I said, Look, go along and buy a small mp3 recorder, it's, you know, it's going to cost you less than $30. And on this mp3 recorder, go ahead and record very carefully now prepared, if necessary, write out the script, practice saying it so you don't sound as if you're reading a script, basically present your pitch, but not in 15 minutes, not even in 10 minutes, not even in five minutes, you got to do it in about three minutes or less.
Daniel Lapin 5:53
Now, three minutes is both long and short, you can effectively say no more than a maximum of 500 words in three minutes, closer, probably to two, maybe 300 or 350 words. So you've really got to pack your message very carefully. But at any rate, when you're done, put a post it note on it by the on sign, set it in such a way so is that that message will play as soon as the specific and appropriate button is pressed. And then go ahead and overnight it by one of the overnight priority delivery services to the individual you want to reach. And what is going to happen is an overnight FedEx delivery will reach the individual, he will press the button, he will hear your message and the closing of your message is please accept the small recorder, which you will find to be very useful as a gift from me, regardless of whatever your decision is. And you will in all probability receive a call back from the Secretary saying Mr. or Mrs. So Miss so-and-so, whoever it is, will see you on such a date in such a time. And enough people have responded to me in the past. Wow, it worked. It worked. A number of other people have responded saying you know what? You're talking about me spending about $50 to do this? Yeah, that's right. And if it isn't worth it to you to do that, then obviously, you shouldn't be doing this in the first place. That's right. Yeah. In other words, are what you are indicating is that you are not trying to exploit the other person's time. Because different people value their times differently. Right? When when somebody tells me he chooses to bicycle to work, instead of take a car or public transport to work, I think that's fabulous. But he obviously values his time, differently from the way I value my time. I'm sure it's very nice and very lovely and very healthy to cycle to work. But I would rather cycle on a stationary bicycle, where I can be reading while I'm doing so then get my exercise where I need full attention in order to stay alive on the street. So it's not about exercise, it's about value of time, right? And if, if your valuing of time is low, and the person you're trying to reach as their as valuing of time is somewhat higher, then to not identify yourself as a giver before you wish to take their time, then you shouldn't expect things to go well for you. Because money is a wonderful God given that's right, God given mechanism to prevent people exploiting one another. That's right. But if somebody asks you for a favor, which is perfectly legitimate, then you are fully free to either accept or decline, you know? Sure, I'll be happy to do you a favor. What do you want? Or you might well say it depends or the person might tell you what the favor is. And you're then free to say,
Daniel Lapin 9:31
I'm sorry, I wish I could I'm not able to do that favor for you. That's perfectly acceptable. But if somebody is not asking for it as a favor, then it only makes sense because the God given system of human economic interaction that we sometimes called business or commerce, right depends upon being a giver. Before you are a taker. And that's one of the reasons that generally speaking, a shopkeeper will place your purchase in your hands before he holds out his hand for the money, or he'll put it in your hands before he accepts your credit card. Because subliminally almost anybody with experience in business realizes that you give before you get. That is how the divinely ordained system of human economic interaction actually works. And I received a letter you'll you'll see it on my website at Rabbi Daniel lapin.com. I received a letter from somebody called John recently who heard one of these shows he happened to say it turns out he was listening to it on YouTube, which is one of the many platforms on which you can hear the show. And he apparently called our office and spoke to one of my wonderfully professional assistants. And from what I've heard, he pretty stridently demanded to speak with me. He wanted to ask me something about what I had said on the podcast. And I say repeatedly on the show, that if you want to communicate with me, the best way is to connect with me through the website, to talk with me on the phone would probably be as as difficult as well, I guess is for me to talk to you on the phone, possibly. Phone time is is costly, it's expensive. It's timely, it's very difficult. And so they explained that to him, they wanted him to perhaps give some more information they recommended he wrote, but they were not about to put me on the telephone, right. That's their job is to evaluate and determine whether the the responsibilities I am committed to are best served by taking the time to actually talk to this individual on the phone or not. They made the decision, they arrived to the conclusion that this was probably not the best use of my time. And they indicated that to well, he was highly indignant and wrote in no uncertain terms to me. How, how upset he was now angry, was it my attitude? And who did I think Oh, anyway, whatever it's I understand. It can be frustrating. It's not a problem. But the the point that I tried to make in my hopefully polite response to him was that had he suggested, by the way is many other people have saying, Look, would you let me know what it would cost? I would like to pay for some of your time. And people do that all the time. And I have specific coaching clients. Yeah, because I do coaching in family and finance matters. So people do that. And, and there's a different response. Because money is a God given system to help prevent people exploiting one another. It's beautiful. It works just great. And I tell you all have that, only in order to tell you of this question, which keeps cropping up every year around about this time. And I've not spoken about it on the show before. But I will now. And here is the question. And I get it from two different sets of people. I get this from parents, and I get it from grown children. Here is the question. It's a, you probably already have a sense of, of what is coming. And it's very interesting. from parents, it goes something like this. And I mean, I could actually read some of the questions I've recently received. But it's, it's just fine if I give you a summary or a conglomeration of several of these, but essentially they're all the same, which is my grown son, or my grown daughter is coming home for Thanksgiving or for Christmas or for New Year. And my wife and I Oh, my husband and I are so excited. We're thrilled. We haven't seen him or her for x months. And we're looking forward to a wonderful family gathering and you know, Uncle Jim is coming and on Sally is coming, etc, etc. There's one little snag and that is our son slash daughter has indicated that they will be bringing their boyfriend slash girlfriend along with them. And our concern is that we feel pretty confident that they are going to want to share a room in our home over the holidays. And then sometimes they follow some explanation, we know that they are living together, etc, or we suspect that it doesn't matter. Bottom line is, the letter is always the same. My husband slash wife and I always I feel very uncomfortable with this. And it goes against our values that goes against the values with which our children are raised. However, we understand our son slash daughter is fully grown and capable of making their own decisions. We just don't know how to relate to this, while they're visiting with us. On the one hand, we feel uncomfortable having them share a room while they are visiting with us. And on the other hand, we know that they will be very angry, if we ask them to occupy separate rooms. In fact, our son slash daughter might even decide not to come, which would be very upsetting to us. Do you have any advice? Okay, that's the angle from from the parents side. And then I get essentially the mirror image of that question from the side of the child. And that's, you know, dear rabbi, and Susan, I am 24, or 28, or 31 year old man or woman, I've never been married. However, I have been living with my boyfriend slash girlfriend for the last four years in a committed relationship. And, and, and we're happy and, you know, we don't know what the future brings all we do whatever it is, but we are planning on visiting my parents for the forthcoming holidays. And we know that they would be unhappy to have us sharing a room, however, that is imposing their values on us. And we feel it would be hypocritical for us to occupy separate rooms while we're with them. Because that's not how we live normally, we have where we live together where we are in wherever it is, and, and so on the one hand, we don't want to upset them and bring stress and strain to the family gathering. But on the other hand, we don't want their values to impose on our comfort as well and make us feel as if we have to live hypocritically and differently from the way we ordinarily do. Do you have any advice for us? Do I ever? Now why did I start off with the the accounts of how it is that money is a God given system of exploiting of preventing exploitation in human interactions. And I mentioned that, obviously, because one of the phrases that often crops up in these kinds of letters I get at this time of the year, and usually from the parent side, or sometimes the child rights, I know that is that the parents say all we entitled to say that while you're under our roof, this is how we expect you to behave. We don't we don't necessarily expect you to change your values. We don't even expect you to change the way you think we certainly don't expect you to wait. We don't expect you to change the way you believe. But we do expect you to change the way you act because you're under our roof. Now that phrase crops up all the time. And obviously part of this whole question is whether or not that is a valid response for parents. Is it okay for parents to say? Yes,
Daniel Lapin 19:18
we don't really care. It's not our business, how you choose to live or what you choose to believe. It's only our business, how you act while you're under our roof. And what's happening there? And by the way, if if if that is then it would surely be appropriate. And sometimes you get a very mature question from a child who says, you know, and so there it is, my boyfriend and girlfriend are going to the to my parents. And and yeah, we realize we're under their roof and they expect us to conduct ourselves in certain ways while we're under our rules, but it would make us feel hypocritical, you know that. You understand all of that. That's the question as as it comes to us. Well, there again, you see a A VAT is a very simple reality. And it's something we've spoken off before. But it's very much a factor in this discussion, although it's not the end of the story. And that is he who pays makes the rules, this is very fundamental in the free interaction of human beings. In other words, I am paying you to work for me, here is what I need, you, for your part are absolutely free to say unacceptable, I don't want to work for you, or that's interesting, I'm interested. However, I would not be willing to do it for the amount of money you are offering. If you wanted me to do this, I would require this amount. And that's why to free human beings interact with one another to arrive at a way to exchange their services or their goods or their money in a way that makes both of them better off after the exchange than they were before. And that makes God smile. No, it really does when to human beings who may be strangers to another or maybe not, but interact with one another monetarily in a way that makes them both happier than they were before? Well, yes, that is something that does make the good Lord smile. How do I know I can explain and tell you that. And very briefly, it is because the word in Hebrew in the ancient language of the Hebrew Scriptures, the word for human economic exchange, is the word cane. It has other meanings as well that are closely related. I don't want to spend too much time on that right now. But I will tell you, it is the word that the translators of the King James Bible done by of course, King James, in the 1611. That Hebrew word is the word they chose to translate with the English word, Grace. And, yes, it is, in fact, an aspect of grace, when two strangers possibly strangers interact through money in a way that makes them both better off than they were before. And so it's it really is axiomatic that if the person is paying, then he gets to set the rules, now you aren't obliged to accept that. But then you can't accept the money. And so if I accept, you know, sometimes people are good enough to invite Susan and I to, to dine with them, or they're good enough to invite us to stay with them over a weekend and be weekend guests, house guests in their home. And we've had, you know, very delightful occasions when that happens. But when that happens, there are as many obligations that devolve onto our heads, as unto those of our hosts. In other words, when you accept value, you are implicitly also accepting certain obligations. If I am a guest in your house, I cannot discipline your children, no matter how obnoxious I may find them, you'll pardon me, I may not kick your cat, no matter what I think of felines, and I can't do any of those, I certainly cannot damage your furniture. They are obligations upon me when I accept something of value from you. It's pretty straightforward. And, and so obviously, when people use the phrase, well, as long as you're under my roof, as long as you're eating my food and sleeping in my bed and in the bedroom, I provide and using my water to brush your teeth, then you do have certain obligations, you're absolutely free now to do that you can go and live somewhere else or visit somewhere else or stay somewhere else. But there are actual real obligations now. Are they obligations that impact how you think, how you feel? How you believe? Absolutely not. They are only obligations on how you behave. Think about the fourth of the 10 commandments Exodus chapter 20. Honor your father and your mother. Right. Interesting, though. Really? Why? Yeah, it's interesting, because in the fourth commandment, found in both Exodus chapter 20, and Judah anime chapter five. The fourth commandment reads, Honor your father and your mother. And the Hebrew for the verb to honor is cut bait. And yes, it's translated as honor. But like what is it supposed to mean? What are you supposed to enter? What is Honoring Your Parents mean? Well, the clue is that the only other time throughout the Tanakh throughout the Hebrew scripture, that it is used as an instruction as in honor, is in the book of Proverbs, chapter three, verse nine. And in Proverbs chapter three, verse nine, it says in the Hebrew [Hebrew spoken]. Anyway, what is in English? What does it mean? Whatever this word means, let's say, honor, honor the Lord your God, with your finances, and with the first fruits of your produce, aha. Now there are other places in scripture where it says, And you shall love the Lord your God. So this isn't talking about loving God, this is talking about being obeyed. Or as the King James translators put it, honor, Lord your God. But now in this case, in in Proverbs, we're being told exactly what it means it means an action, right? It's not walking around, bowing down to God, that's not what it's talking about. That's not what it's what the Hebrew word honoring here means. cotbed It means you have to bring him your first fruits, and you have to bring sacrifices to in other words, it's actions. And so ancient Jewish wisdom explains that those are the only places in the Scripture where this word is used. There are no requirements, no way. Are we told to love your parents. Isn't that something? It's facet yet to love the Lord your God? Yes. But are we instructed to love our parents are always instructed to feel warm, good feelings towards our parents? No, I mean, it's great if you do so much the better. But hey, you know what we're talking about the real world. And in the real world, as children, we know there are times we we don't feel warm and rosy and terrific about our parents. And we know that as parents, yeah, there are times where you know, just because of the dynamics of parents and children, our parent, our children don't necessarily feel warm and rosy towards us. What's more, we're not even sure that they love us, or that we love our parents. Maybe we say, You know what, I hate you. I actually hate you. They're people who think that, and what is the correct response to the parent? is? You know, sorry to hear that, but it's not really relevant to our conversation. All I'm concerned about is that you follow the fourth commandment, which is you honor me, okay? What does that mean? Means how you behave, you have to behave respectfully toward me, is that something, that's actually all it means. And so in ancient Jewish wisdom, when we look for an actual real life application of what honor your father means, it means get up when he walks into the room. And I will tell you that in many Jewish families, when dad walks into the room, children stand up, they just do. Here's another thing, don't sit in your father's chair, if your father has a regular chair, there's a chair he sits in for every dinner
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time. That means you don't sit in your father's chair. That's in other words, it's all actual behavior. It's how you conduct yourself. That is the only obligation we have toward our parents how we behave. You don't want to love them, you don't have to love them. You don't have to like them. You don't have to like them, you're gonna really dislike them. Fine. You know, if that happens, that happens, but how you speak toward them, and how you behave in their presence. Now that is an obligation, which only a reprehensible and immoral human being shrugs, that it's not, you can't do that. You can't be a decent human being and behave badly towards your parents. ancient Jewish wisdom rules out contradicting your parents, even if they say something you know, is wrong. Your father says you know, the color of the thing is green and you know, it's blue. You don't contradict your your parents, certainly not in front of any other people. That's part of behaving in accordance with the fourth commandment and that's all the fourth command and also has to do, It all says to behave respectfully toward our parents. Isn't that something? That's all? And that is what lies at the heart of how we have to treat this very real question that crops up so regularly in so many families at this time of the year. And that is the basis on which we're going to embark on a fuller explanation. Let's invest in just a few minutes of looking into the human desire for permanence. This is is something that was deprived of us in the Garden of Eden, where life itself is not permanent. And yet, we are left with a deep yearning to be almost godlike in that sense, so as to be permanent. And this is one of the reasons that the affluent philanthropists often endow buildings for hospitals, or for universities or libraries for cities like Andrew Carnegie, because there's a sense that buildings are permanent. And there is the sort of, it's a deep psychic pain, that fortunately for most of us, we've, we've kind of got to dig down beneath the surface a little bit. But it lingers, nonetheless, where inside each of what and every one of us is this desire to be permanent, and to be everlasting. And then knowing painfully that unfortunately, we aren't, and we still try and structure some degree of permanence into our lives. Some people try and set up funds and pension systems and investment packages. So as that their money will be permanent, right. And one does one's best when one tries to achieve this. But it's worthwhile knowing what the yearning is that we are trying to satisfy, obviously, particularly the Jewish people, but many other people as well have had frequent reminders that very little is permanent. And you can build yourself a big beautiful home, and all of a sudden you find yourself evicted along with your brethren, you have to move to another country, or you, you build a beautiful home, and this is going to be the permanent home for your family. And for many people that works out beautifully. For other people, that quest for permanence is defeated by the city running a super, super highway through your area, the neighborhood changes. And you eventually decide you can't live here anymore, we have to move. But what we're trying to do in all these cases is achieve some level of permanence. Now, I know some people and assumptions young people, if I'm not mistaken, the mathematician, Esha was somebody like this, who just doesn't like any degree of material permanence. And so I know young people who don't own homes, they live in hotels, or they go from b&b to the next one, or they couch surf. They don't own cars, they use Uber or Lyft. And what they try and do is sort of remove all aspects of being rooted and permanent. And I understand that that that is that that's quite common. However, what makes that feasible, what makes it possible to live in that circumstance without a considerable and disturbing sense of anxiety is the internet which provides a sense of permanence. In other words, no matter where you log on from, whether it's from an airport, or a coffee shop, or your friend's living room, but no matter where you log on from, it's exactly the same, and that provides this deep, deeply needed sense of permanence. So, whether one tries to set about creating it concretely with buildings or with the financially or in any other way, in reality, that deep quest for permanence is probably best satisfied by number one, a relationship with God and you have an understanding then that that remains permanent. And that is part of of who you are. It's a it's a vital connection in your life. It's it's like having the internet right For other people, no matter where you are, you can log on to God and, and things are solid, right, no matter what turbulence is swirling around the foundations of your being, that part is permanent. Well, there's another part in life where permanence is sought. And that is marriage. It's different from a friendship which comes and goes. And it's different from blood relatives. This, and although family is much is very much a part of that, obviously, but essentially, this is what people seek in marriage. Women are more sensitive to it in general than men. Women want the permanence of a marriage. And I've spoken about this in in the past many times on this show. And most women sense this in themselves. And most men are very aware that the woman they've been dating, I'd say most men have been, most boys who have been dating a girl for six years, realize that, at its deepest, she's not really satisfied with that. They may be the exception here and there. But in general, the guy who tries to keep a girlfriend for year after year after year, begins to discover the whole yet yes, you know what she's not really as happy as I am. And this, this quest for permanence, which smart men recognize and boys do not, and is a huge source of strength in the life of a human being, to know that you are walking through life unshakably with someone else, you may have times where you're mad at each other, you may have times you don't even like each other, there may even be times where you don't even love one another. But it doesn't make any difference. You are together, that part isn't changing. And then you're going to work on the relationship and work with people who know what they're doing, who can advise you, and you restore it, you work on it. And, and and it's, you know, people who've gone through that speak with enormous gratitude towards whoever it was, who helped them. And they speak with enormous gratitude towards their spouse who stuck with it, and was as determined as possible not to imperil the foundations of this marriage. Because having this thing as a permanence in life is enormously helpful. It's a source of strength, it's a fuel that can propel you to achievement is just an absolutely terrific thing. And I also think that I probably need spend no time at all, on telling you that marriages tend to last longer than cohabiting relationships. Marriages tend to last much longer than partnerships, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever. And again, I've
Daniel Lapin 38:07
in weeks gone by I've devoted the shows, one in particular, "Hey, girl, do you want to be some boys girlfriend," that was the name of one show a couple of months back. And, and I've covered much of the thinking on these things. But by way of, of background to enable us to continue with this discussion. And number one, that the permanence of marriage is something that distinguishes it from other relationships, such as living together or anything else. And number two, that that permanence is actually desirable. It's something that people want in their lives, and certainly benefit from in their lives. So that being the case, how do you feel? If and whether you are the person who has the boyfriend or the girlfriend, or whether you are the parent whose child wants to bring their boyfriend slash girlfriend? How do you feel about let's say, you hire a photographer, right? That's something people do every now and then. Like anything else, grabbing your cell phone and making a selfie for the people or the family around you, just isn't the same as getting a professional. You're right professionals know what they're doing. I don't care what you are a professional, but I recommend you become professional at something. And if it happens to be photography, then I know that in spite of the fact that I'm an ardent and enthusiastic photographer with remarkably little talent. I'm simply never going to take pictures as good as you are. And so what families do is they hire photographers, at particularly if circumstances some kind of celebration of some reunion. and bring people together. So it's very, you hire photographer and you get some really good pictures of the family together. Now at this event, you are there with your girlfriend, and she's not part of your family. So now what do you say? And I'm, I'm aware that there have been situations like this on which I've been consulted, where the boy himself or the girl herself feels awkward. I mean, on the one hand, they obviously want to be in the family picture. But they feel uncomfortable saying to the girlfriend, you know what, we're just doing this family picture, do you mind? I'm going to drop your foot at a coffee shop, while we do these pictures, and I'll pick you up that you feel awkward about that. But do you really feel comfortable about including your boyfriend or your girlfriend in a family picture that's going to sit on grandpa and grandma's mantelpiece? For years? God willing, right? Do you feel good about that? Don't you feel it sort of limits your freedom of I mean, can you really break up with that girlfriend easily when she's in your family photograph? It's awkward. And then the same thing from the point of view of the parents who say, You know what? You know, she's like, she's your third serious long term girlfriend the last 10 years. You have her in the eye? It's just awkward, you know, down the road, somebody who's this And who's that? So that was Tom's girlfriend and back in 2011, or whatever. It's just awkward. What do you do? Well, that awkwardness is exactly what I'm talking about when it comes to Thanksgiving, and Christmas and New Year get togethers when the family gets together, and, and one of the nice things that Airbnb has made possible is that a number of families I know lately, have been able to rent a large home in a nice area, you know, some by a lake or something. And with enough room for all branches and pots of the family to come get together and be there. It's a wonderful thing.
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And now you got an at what do you do about your children's live in boyfriend slash girlfriend? Or if you the child? What do you do? Do you bring them along? And here is a another aspect of the problem. What I want to explain is something that sometimes people don't think about, you may have already thought about it. But some people don't. And that is to understand why a succession of relationships. A serial succession of relationships, is not only damaging to the men and women involved, but just as importantly, it's damaging to the other people in their lives. Let me try and explain. Okay, John, Meet Jane. They start dating. And pretty soon they're an item. And John and Jane are inseparable. And you know what, John and Jane have even moved in together. Let's hope they haven't been foolish enough to buy a home together and complicate things in that fashion. Sometimes Jane agrees when John suggests that because she thinks it's a step on the way to marriage. At any rate, along comes Thanksgiving. Jane's family has gone away for Thanksgiving. But Jane and John lived together. And John's family says, Hey, why didn't you bring Jane to our family? Thanksgiving, right? You've we've been hearing about Jane, we haven't met her. Whether you are living with her, and we know that or you're not and we don't or what? Doesn't matter. Let's not get into the sordid details. Bring her to the family Thanksgiving. Well, John brings Jane to his family Thanksgiving. And Jane is an utterly delightful young lady. And immediately John's sister you see John has a stutter. There's two siblings, a boy and a girl John and Debbie. And John's now dating Jane and Debbie a couple of years younger than John just loves this new girlfriend Jane. And and Debbie hasn't had a really close friend lately and she's always missed not having a sister. And Debbie really takes to her brother John's girlfriend Jane. And pretty soon Debbie and Jane are as close as could be. Well, this fills John with delight. It confirms the wisdom of his selection. He has clearly chosen as a golfer. and someone that his family just loves. And indeed, everybody loves Jane. Well, month or two later, John's dad has a birthday. And he wants to take his wife and Debbie, his daughter and Johnny's son out for a birthday dinner. And of course, everybody naturally anticipates that Jane is going to be there as well, obviously, why shouldn't she be she was there at Thanksgiving. And pretty soon after that, there is a family event, John and Debbie have a cousin getting married. And John and Debbie each got a plus one invite. And so Debbie found somebody to take with her to the family wedding. And John and Jane obviously go together. And wherever they go, people become more and more attached to this charming young woman, Jane, who has become not only such a part of John's life, but she's rapidly become a part of their lives, too. And people start relating to John and Jane as a couple. And they get invited places together. And people start saying hasn't John improved? I mean, since John's been with Jane, you know, he's, he's so much more mellow. He's so much more tranquil. He's so much more stable looking. Then one day, Debbie calls John and says, I'm doing a barbecue this weekend, John, will you and Jane come? And John shifts a little uncomfortably and says, Well, I'd love to be there. But Jane won't be able to make it. And Debbie says what? Why not? And John says, well, Debbie, it's like this, we've decided not to see each other for a little while. Now. He means forever, of course. But he he knows this is problematic. He knows that he has created emotional attachments that he is now shattering. Debbie's heart sinks. John's sister realizes that she's never going to see Jane again. Jane was the girl that she thought her brother would marry and would become her sister in law, like the sister she always wanted. And now she realizes she's never gonna see Jane again. And Debbie is walking around with a huge cloud hanging over her soul. What happened? Well,
Daniel Lapin 47:41
I don't know if John is ever going to tell his sister Debbie, exactly what happened. But what probably happened is that one day, surrounded by all this family serenity, and feeling so filled with joy at the sense of permanence that she saw in her eyes. And Jane had the temerity to raise the M question that's m for Mike, or M for music, or M form S, or M for model, but never M for marriage. Jane had the temerity to raise that M question one day, she probably said to John, I'd really like to go and look at a China display they've got on at the local department store. I'd love to see what table settings they have and what the new designs look like. It's it's kind of fun looking at the kind of stuff we'd like one day to put on our own table. Or she said something else that made John equally nervous. She might have said something about, you know, we've been together for a long time. Now. When are we going to make a decision about us? What are we going to when are we going to decide what we're going to do? Because Jane knows that her clock is ticking. And even if she doesn't know it consciously, she feels it. She already wants to be in what's called a settled relationship, right? One upon which she can depend for the rest of her life. But even she is nervous about using the marriage word, because it's going to make John scuttle away like a timid rabbit. And of course, that's exactly what it did do. And now John has to explain to his family that it's all over. And that doesn't really matter to John very much. Because within a few weeks, yes, there is going to be another Jane coming along. Her name will be different, and she'll look different. But she is going to be another hopeful, sweet young woman who sees in John the potential of a husband She deeply desires. And she too will fall in love, not only with John, but with his delightful parents and his lovely sister, Debbie. Because that's how these things work, she will fall in love, not only with the guy, but if he has a nice family that she'll fall in love with the family to, until finally, she also eventually will experience the deep pit of depression and sadness. When her seven or eight months was John come to an end. And she has to pick herself out from the wreckage of that emotional turmoil, while John simply goes on with his life. And meanwhile, his sister is now never again able to take seriously, the next girl he brings home, her capacity to love has been dramatically damaged. She prevents herself from bonding, she's skeptical, because she just doesn't want to go through the pain that's involved, that's been involved. The last two or three times, John ended his girlfriend relationship. And so finally, when John eventually does meet a woman, or John reaches the age where he realizes that he himself while his own clock is ticking in a way, finally he finds that the woman who is now with who doesn't feel particularly close to the family, and no one really understands why she doesn't feel close to the family. But perhaps the family themselves don't realize that they have been emotionally holding themselves back. And she feels that I don't blame them, do you look what they have been put through? Look at the emotional turbulence they've been subjected to. It's enough already. People don't want that. And so by John's succession of relationships, he has created a situation where people do not trust the closeness anymore, because they just don't anticipated losting that is really what this is all about. So it shouldn't really be a troubling time, when families get together. And the next generation in the family is deeply involved in a relationship. And maybe they're living together, it really shouldn't be a hard thing for a mature child, male or female, to say to the parents, hey, thanks for inviting me for Thanksgiving or for Christmas, I prefer Hanukkah, appreciate it, love to come. I know that there's much about my living arrangements that you and mom do not appreciate you don't like you don't value. But I'm mature enough to understand that. I'm also mature enough to understand that as a guest in your home. certain patterns are appropriate. And so obviously, although it's an makes me feel a bit weird, that doesn't matter. I just want you to know that. If you would prefer Jane and me to occupy separate rooms, if you want Jane to share a room with Debbie, and you want me to share a room with my brother. That's, that's just fine. I'll be happy to do that. Because I respect you as my father. I respect you as my parents. And I honor the values that you have built in your life, even if I don't duplicate them in my own. I that's a mature and adult way to approach it. If you are the child involved. It's fine. It's okay. You're not being a hypocrite. You're being a good child. You're, you're fulfilling the fourth commandment. Yes, you are honoring your father and your mother and it's up to you to explain to your girlfriend and the other way around just as much by the way, maybe even more. So. If you're the girl to explain to your boyfriend, you know, I've spoken to my parents. I'd love for us to go and I have indicated to them that we're just fine sleeping in separate rooms for the duration of our stay there. It makes them more comfortable and as I owe it to them As my parents, it's perfectly, perfectly mature and an appropriate thing to do. From the point of view of the parents, as I said earlier, for parents to say, look at this is, we're hosting, to put it bluntly, and you don't usually have to put it bluntly, but it's our money, and our money, we are entitled to buy certain things with our money, peace, of mind, happiness, and so on whatever we can. And so yes, we are paying for the whole family to get together for this holiday Thanksgiving, or this holiday crew, whatever it is. And we perfectly clearly understand that you have chosen to live your life by a different set of values from those, which your mum and I have lived by. And by which we raised you, you're an adult person, you've got to make your own way in life, we fully appreciate that. However, we're sure you won't have any trouble complying with our request, that you act as if you are separate people, and are asking you to be a hypocrite Ronaldo, right? None of those labels apply here. This is much simpler.
Daniel Lapin 56:24
And it may be because you have younger siblings that we want to be consistent with in their upbringing, no matter what they may decide down the road, no matter they may well be very familiar with your living arrangements doesn't matter. In our home, we have been consistent in the permanence of the family in which you were brought up, and of which you are a beneficiary growing up in a permanent, stable, strong, harmonious family. In tribute to that, we would like you to honor us. And we realize that that's what it is, is you're not agreeing with us. We're asking that you honor us as your parents, by living this way while you're with us. Now, obviously, you might be somebody who's really just fine with your son or your daughter coming home and indeed sharing a room with their loving boyfriend or girlfriend. And if that's fine. Well, then obviously, most of this show has simply not been that applicable at all to to your circumstances. So at any rate, there it is. And and that is probably the summation of how I tend to answer these questions when they do crop up. Almost every year, during the the last few months of the year, when there is a time of a family get togethers of thanksgiving and Hanukkah and Christmas and New Year. That's what people do and talking of Hanukkah. We have a resource which we make available every year around about the end of the year. And it's one that I think you will enjoy if you've not already heard it. It's an audio program that sheds a lot of light on what Hanukkah really is. It is not a Latter Day Jewish festival celebrating a military victory. As much as people might like to pretend it's that. No, it's It's nothing like that. It's something far more profound. This resource is called Festival of Lights, transform your 24/7 existence into a 25 Eight life. And you will find it on our website at Rabbi Daniel lapin.com. And go take a look at it. I think you will be I think you'll be excited by it. It's it's extremely inexpensive. It's a wonderful way to get into this. But it's it's a it's a tool for rethinking time in your life. You know, in the show, I spoke a little bit earlier about the sense of permanence and so on. Well, Hanukkah has a lot to do with that. So if you're interested in the role that Hanukkah has played in the durability and the effectiveness of the Jewish people, and if you'd like to incorporate some of the spiritual strategies of Hanukkah into your life, then you definitely want to take a look at this. It's called Festival of Lights, transform your 24/7 existence into a 25 Eight life 24/7 hours a day days in the week. 25 8/25 of the month is the start of the Festival of Lights. and eight days it's the only holiday in the in the Jewish calendar that has an eight day event. And so what are these two numbers have to do with one another? What is eight have to do with anything and by the way, a clue on that, in the current ask the rabbi, also visible on our website, ask the rabbi. And somebody actually asks us about circumcision. And circumcision takes place on the eighth day of a little boy's life. So that gets to be kind of interesting how that ties together with Hanukkah, all of that on this audio CD, which you can download immediately after the show is done. And you'll find it on the website. So Rabbi Daniel lapin.com, you might want to also shoot us an email and a message you may have a question for Ask the rabbi column. Or you might want to look at back episodes of thought tools or Susan's musings. But there's always something going on on our website, we try to keep it as current as we possibly can. And that means it is very current. You will also be as entertained as we are, by the discussions that follow after every thought tool after every Susan's musings after every ask the rabbi column, all of that on the website. Thanks so much for being part of the show. And again, also a particularly big thank you, for those of you who have been helping to promote the show and making it better known. You're doing a great job and I very much appreciate that. It's wonderful hearing from people who are listening to the show literally in dozens of Karnataka say in every country because that's not true. But in literally dozens of countries around the world. We now have people listening regularly. Our Facebook page is friends our Rabbi Daniel Lapin Daniel and Susan Lapin friends or Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin is a Facebook page for conversation and discussion with others who might have comments on this particular show. At any rate, you'll find all of that right there. So thanks for being part of the show. Wishing you a wonderful Hanukkah and a joyful and uplifting Christmas and a week of good health and prosperity until we're together again here on the rabbi Daniel Lapin show next week. God bless
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
